Never Always
by ChaosAme
Summary: Jrock story of life and love centering around Kaoru of Dir en grey and Yoshiki of X-Japan etc. Readable as original fiction. Chapters are disjointed.
1. As it just so happened

For Yoshiki, it started on the phone. As he was talking to this young man, who sounded cocky and hopeful and scared to death, something happened to him that he couldn't explain. He got a feeling, one that told him there was something he should know. But it passed quickly and didn't bother him for a long time.

It was an American studio, because it was convenient, and he was used to it, and hell maybe just because Yoshiki _wanted_ it that way. What mattered was that it was a studio. He had planned on meeting them somewhere else, like where they were practising or maybe even at a restaurant (which was just _slightly_ odd, but it had occurred to him). But things had come up and he'd had to be in the studio while meeting them. They ambled in, completely nervous and star-struck, led by Kaoru, who looked like he was trying hard not to shake like a leaf or collapse onto his hands and knees when he walked up to Yoshiki. The other person in the room, whom Yoshiki had been talking to, pointed them out. He stood to greet them, and they bowed so low he was afraid they were going to hit something. Shinya, the shy little drummer, really was shaking, and that made him smile, it was so cute. However, it occurred to him quickly that this feeling would have to disappear fast, or they wouldn't get much done. It also occurred to him that whatever it was about Kaoru would have to wait for _after_ the job was done. Because there certainly was something about him.

The first step was making them comfortable. This meant Yoshiki had to let up on the scolding and nitpicking he knew he'd start doing once _he_ was confortable with _them_. Unfortunately, this hadn't been as easy as it sounded in Yoshiki's head. They were good, definitely, but not as great as he'd thought, and while he was glad to work with them it was, as always, a little frustrating. The first time he remembered yelling at them was also the moment he began to realise what it was about their lead guitarist. They were recording a song for the tenth time in half an hour, at their second recording session, Yoshiki remembers very clearly. It was Die's fault this time, unlike the last few, which were Kyo or Shinya's. Shinya was still shaking intermittently, which hurt his drumming, but that was something Yoshiki had started to simply grit his teeth against and keep going. But when Die managed to slip up - and _severely_ at that, the long bottling-up of emotion against Shinya broke out.

"Okay, okay, stop," he said through the speaker. They hadn't heard him - or, at least, Kyo, Shinya, and Die hadn't - and that was the last straw. "I SAID FUCKING STOP!" Everything fell apart suddenly, and Yoshiki fumed for a moment, his forehead in his hand. "Die," he said, dropping his hand and looking up at him through the plexiglass. "What was that?" Die was silent for a long moment, and looked over at Kaoru as if for help.

"I...I'm sorry, Hayashi-san, it was just-"

"No, no, no, not 'just'. No 'just', okay! Do you realise how many times you've done this song?" Another silence, and Yoshiki clicked his tongue. "No? Okay." He feigned searching for the information. "TEN TIMES!" he yelled suddenly, making half the band jump. Shinya hid behind his hair, and Toshiya's jaw threatened to drop. "Ten fucking times in thirty minutes! Do you even practise this song?" No one answered him, and he stood up and went to the door, dropping his headphones. "Someone answer me," he said once he had the door open. "Anyone. Just, let me know if you're actually serious about this." Shinya, in the corner, stifled a small sob. Everyone else merely blinked at him. That was, until Kaoru stood up, setting his guitar on his chair. He locked eyes with Yoshiki, and even though they were glaring at each other Yoshiki felt his heart flutter. It confused and suprised him so much he almost collapsed. The feeling manifested itself in a small gasp, and his crossed arms loosened and went to his side.

"Hayashi-san," Kaoru said quietly after a very long moment. "Can I please ask for a break?" Everyone's eyes went to Kaoru as he spoke, then back to Yoshiki. They continued to stare at each other, and Yoshiki had to take a few deep breaths to calm his now red-hot and fluttering nerves.

"I think that's a good idea," he answered, before turning on his heel and stalking back to the console to occupy himself. "Take a few minutes. How's ten? No, fifteen. Take a whole fifteen. Go smoke if you smoke, have something to eat, be back here in fifteen." The band members watched him for a moment before sidling out quietly, leaving only Yoshiki and Kaoru. Yoshiki replaced his headphones and was getting ready to do some work that was totally unrelated to Dir en grey when Kaoru stood up from leaning against the wall and walked over to him. He gazed up at him with his best "Didn't-I-tell-you-to-leave-well-then-what-the-fuck-are-you-still-doing-here?" look. Kaoru merely stared back, and after a moment Yoshiki felt his heartbeat quicken again, his breath catching in his throat. _Shit_, he thought, _There is no way in _hell_ I am falling for this punk._ "Yes?" he asked, as calmly as he could. Kaoru watched him for a moment more, before nodding minutely.

"Nothing," he said, then stopped before turning to leave. "It's...we're all really nervous," he started, turning back completely and leaning a little on the console. "We've been going through some really rough stuff between us lately, and trying to stay focussed while working with you is hard for some of us. We appreciate everything you're doing for us - I really can't emphasise that enough." Yoshiki nodded. He'd heard this a billion times since they'd come in. "But I'd like to ask you to show them a little more patience." That was what did it for him. That last phrase, where little, pink-haired guitarist Kaoru suddenly started to blossom in Yoshiki's eyes into the leader-sama he was to everyone else. The tone of his voice had changed completely, and he'd referred to his band as if they were his children, and all he wanted was what was best for them. It was the first time he'd been himself around Yoshiki, and something in Yoshiki bent and broke completely at those few words. He could do nothing but nod, almost ashamedly, although his slight blush was for a completely different reason. Kaoru nodded a little in response and looked up at the clock, then left without another word.

Immediately after he was sure the man was gone, Yoshiki ran to the closest bathroom and splashed his face with cold water for a good five minutes straight. Then he made himself some coffee, drank it in the next couple of minutes, and managed to get back before the rest of them. It was one of the few times Yoshiki himself wondered how he did things like that. The rest of the day went fairly smoothly, mostly because Yoshiki was focussing more on ignoring the guitarist than being nitpicky. Fortunately, that song turned out to be one of the best, in Yoshiki's opinion.

To celebrate them living through his admonitions, and to try to patch up any wounds he may have made, Yoshiki invited the band to his house for some drinks, dancing, and general relaxation. It was a very casual party, mostly consisting of sitting around, talking, and watching Toshiya dance wildly to the music Yoshiki had put on. After he was drunk, of course. As the evening was winding down, Yoshiki wandered outside through the open door and began to pace slowly around his pool. The lights were on for the special occasion, and he smiled a little at them, at their cheeriness. He had gone outside partially to get fresh air, but mostly to escape the haunting guitarist, who had somehow found himself right next to him most of the evening. But as he was making his second round, he heard soft footsteps and looked toward the door to see Kaoru, drink in hand, paused right outside the doors. He had stopped in the exact right place for the lights to reflect across him in dancing, rainbow waves, and glimmer somehow off his glass. It seemed to surround him with light, and Yoshiki felt suddenly as if something had hit him square in the chest. He looked like...an _angel_.

Kaoru caught sight of him and smiled genially, tilting his head in a small, awkward bow. He did the same, but much more elegantly, as he wasn't drunk, and continued his circuit. Once he reached the side that Kaoru was standing on, however, he stopped, facing him. His hands were shaking, and he stuck the empty one in his pocket. The light had shifted a little, and Kaoru now stood almost half in shade, which changed Yoshiki's perception of him somewhat. Now he was suddenly very handsome. Had he ever thought that about him? For that matter, about anyone, for...well, a long time. And to add on top of that, had he been turned on by anyone who wasn't naked and on a television screen for that long, either? This man was doing insane things to him, his mind and his body, that he wasn't sure he liked, but he definitely wanted. He felt himself twitch, and sent his body a silent admonition.

"Hey, I've been meaning to say," Kaoru started. Yoshiki noted his slurred speech, and the way his eyes fuzzed over every few seconds. He was _smashed_. It occurred to Yoshiki that he might - just _might_ - be able to get away with murder tonight. As he took his next drink, he shot it back to give himself some false courage, and began to flirt. "Sorry for Kyo. You know, he's got some problems and such..." He began to gesticulate vaguely, but largely, with both hands. "He gets really bitchy when he's recording sometimes. I know he's a good singer and everything, but I just have to-"

"Did I ever tell you how much I like your hair, Kaoru?" he asked suddenly. _Oh god_, he thought, _This is fucking suicide. This man is straight. This man is straight. What the hell am I doing? Oh fucking hell..._ His stomach got butterflies, but he valiantly fought back the thoughts and the nerves and held tight to his demeanour. Kaoru looked over at him abruptly, startled at being interrupted. "People might think it's girly of me, but I love the colour pink." Vaguely, Yoshiki wondered if he'd even catch on to the fact that he was being so familiar with him, dropping the honourific for the first time. To be more forward, Yoshiki took another drink, and eyed the man over the top of his glass. Okay, it was definitely working; he had the man's attention now. At this point, Yoshiki summoned up all his strength and completely shut off the nerves and doubtful voices threatening to overwhelm him. If there was ever a time he needed to be collected, it was now.

"Thank you," Kaoru said, a small amount of confusion in his voice. Okay, maybe he _had_ noticed the omitted honourific. Even better. As Yoshiki took the glass from his lips, he shaded his eyes and turned himself just _slightly_, giving his best flirtatious expression with his whole body. It worked perfectly. Kaoru's eyes widened slightly, and his expression relaxed into one of mild fascination. Before he'd noticed he was doing it, Yoshiki had taken a step forward, and was slowly closing the distance between them. His entire being was screaming _OH SHIT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!_, but it made no difference as he could feel the heat of Kaoru's body agonisingly close, his breath ghosting across his cheek as the last few centimetres were bridged and suddenly, instantly, Yoshiki's entire world turned upside down and then abruptly righted itself. He had barely pressed their lips together, but it had been enough - perhaps too much - and Yoshiki had almost jumped away, scared to death. There was no way, absolutely _no way_ he was going to fall in love. He abruptly took another drink, attempting to distract himself, but couldn't help continuing to stare at the man. He felt as though he was going to cry, and his heart was breaking but still beating like a rabbit. _Don't forget_, his mind was saying, happily triumphant, _He's straight_.

Suddenly Die bounded outside and tackled Kaoru from behind, yelling "What are you doing out here, stupid?" However, it sounded more like "Wha-oo-do-at-here stupid?" The instant Yoshiki had seen Die running, his mind was taken off of Kaoru and went immediately to the safety of both the men. Kaoru threw Die off of him and he stumbled, and Yoshiki was about to run forward when he caught himself. Annoyed and very relieved, Yoshiki sighed and rolled his eyes, ushering them back into the house.

"Come on, you two, you're too drunk to be out by the pool," he said, and closed the door behind them for good measure. Die made a sound between a whine and a snigger.

"What's wrong with the pool, Yoshiki-san?" he asked, and fell into a chair. Yoshiki stood still for a moment, his hands on the door. What was he doing...?

"I once nearly drowned in a pool," he answered quietly, even though he knew Die wasn't listening. The memory flashed in his mind's eye, and hide's laughing face. What the _hell_ was he doing?

"Hontou?" he heard someone ask, and thought at first that it was himself asking if he was serious about all this. But in an instant he registered the voice, and turned to look up at Kaoru. He nodded.

"Yes. With Hide." That's it, his mind told him. It's done now. Now get these boys out of here so you can go upstairs and sleep, and tomorrow you can pretend none of this ever happened. Yoshiki downed the rest of his drink and walked to the middle of the room. "Alright, you all," he said, turning around to get their attention. "It's getting late, and none of you are sober enough to drive yourselves back to your hotels, so I'm going to call some cabs for you. Don't do anything stupid, I'll be right back." Hurriedly, Yoshiki went to the nearest phone in an adjacent room and did just that. Then, he wandered into the kitchen and went straight for the nearest wine bottle, meaning to get himself raving drunk so that, hopefully, even _he_ wouldn't remember anything in the morning. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts, he didn't hear Kaoru come in, and nearly jumped when he saw him standing in the doorway. He closed his eyes for a moment, calming himself, then found he was unable to move. Something was rooting him to that very spot, and he didn't like it one bit. He looked back up at Kaoru, knowing he must look pathetic, and they merely stood there for a very long moment. Then Kaoru spoke.

"Why-"

"I'm sorry," Yoshiki interrupted, and finally found the strength to drop his eyes to the floor. He _knew_ it! It was all a terrible mistake, and he shouldn't have done something like that to this poor young man who he was trying to have a business relationship with. He heard a footstep, and closed his eyes, wincing and feeling terrible. But he hadn't stepped away, and suddenly there was a warm, calloused hand gently lifting his head, and those lips pressing hesitantly, carefully against his own, as if he were asking for permission. Instantly, Yoshiki set the wine glass down and melted into the kiss. _YES! YES! OH HELL YES!_ his until-now hidden heart was screaming at his mind. His mind went away to sulk in a corner, leaving the rest of him to enjoy the experience. With his now free hands, he reached up and entwined his fingers timidly into the man's hair. As he did this, Kaoru's hands came to his waist, pulling him even closer, and his entire body trembled in want and perfect happiness. They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, an overwhelmingly comfortable warmth spreading through Yoshiki's body. And then suddenly it hit Yoshiki - this isn't _right_. It _can't_ be this way. Nothing can _ever _be this way! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, _god_, Yoshiki, what are you _doing_!

In an instant, Yoshiki had pulled away, practically throwing himself against the counter. He stood there, clutching the edge of it so hard his knuckles were white. For a moment, he stood still, breathing and trying to regain control of himself. Oh, Yoshiki...what have you done...? He bit his bottom lip self-consciously, a very old habit he'd been trying to get rid of because it was girly, and then laughed softly at himself for the action. He found the strength and stood, but couldn't bring himself to look at Kaoru. His eyes wandered around the room aimlessly, looking everywhere - _anywhere_ but Kaoru.

"Kaoru..." he heard himself say, but that one word took all the conviction out of him. He sighed, and closed his eyes, composing himself a little more before looking up at the man. If he could have cried, he would have, and he knew he looked absolutely pathetic as he gazed up at him. He looked so innocent, so perfect, and in that instant Yoshiki knew that he would never again be as happy as he had been in those few seconds. "You're drunk." He smiled sadly, realising the irony of it all. "You won't even remember this in the morning. Now go on, your cab will be here soon." Kaoru hesitated for only a moment, then turned around and left. Alone, after hearing out each of them, Yoshiki turned back to the counter and crossed his arms, laying his head down on them and squeezing his eyes shut. "I'm so sorry..." he said, wishing he had someone to say it to. There was no reason to feel sorry for himself, now, was there? "I'm so sorry...I just couldn't."

That night, for the third time in just over a year, Yoshiki almost committed suicide. What had stopped him this time was new, however. It was a feeling deep in him that he couldn't - and perhaps didn't want to - explain. There was self-pity, too, which had started the last time. Why the hell do you want to do something like this to yourself, to everyone else? And that night, crying the dry tears he was becoming so familiar with, he fell asleep on the floor next to his piano.

In the morning, when he'd met with them to do more mork, Kaoru showed no sign of remembering the previous night. Yoshiki shoved all thougths related to the man in the back of his mind to forget forever. There was a new awkwardness between them, however, and they showed it most prevalently in physical ways. They made a point of never sitting next to each other. When they spoke, it was only to work. Yoshiki especially made sure that they were never alone together. But the thoughts never went away. They surfaced at the worst times, and fought hard against his will. Whenever he was alone and they decided to poke their horned heads out he was unable to do anything productive. Worse than that, he found he had to deny himself any sort of stimulating action, sexually or emotionally, because they always, _always_ made him think of - and long for - Kaoru. It seemed to reach its peak the day they left, as Yoshiki realised they were now an entire ocean apart, and there really was nothing he could do about it.

Gackt was the first to notice Yoshiki's odd behaviour, after his secretary. But he didn't say anything about it. It was Heath who spoke up first. A good three months after they had left, in mid-October 1999, they were sitting together at a restaurant when Heath turned to him and gave him the most straightforward confrontation he could remember.

"What's her name?" he asked, and Yoshiki looked up from eating. His brow knitted.

"What do you mean?" Heath practically rolled his eyes.

"I mean, there's something bothering you. So what's her name?" Yoshiki stared at him, completely taken aback. "Yoshiki, you're dripping tomato paste," Heath said after a long moment, and Yoshiki sat up abruptly and cleaned himself.

"It's not a 'she'," he said quietly. Heath cocked his head.

"What?"

"I said, it's not a 'she'," Yoshiki said a little louder, trying to keep his voice low enough that no one around them would hear, or at least keep himself well hidden.

"That's what I thought you said." Heath sat back a little more and looked around, as if for inspiration. "Look," he said finally. "I don't care if it's a fucking _cat_. Whatever it is, it's seriously bothering you. I can see it when you _walk_." He looked back at him. "So if you're not going to do something about it..." He sighed, almost helplessly. "I don't know what to tell you," he said softly, and began to fold his napkin absently. "Come to Japan with me," he said suddenly. Yoshiki looked back at him, somewhat shocked. "Come on, Yoshiki, just a few days. Take a break. Come home."

"This is home," Yoshiki responded, almost darkly. Heath nodded.

"I understand. Yoshiki, please," he said. "We'll lie low, okay? Just a few days, that's all I'm asking." Yoshiki took a long drink from his large wine glass, and shook his head.

"No."

Despite Yoshiki's protests, he found himself suddenly back in Japan, the very _last_ place he wanted to be. Heath had kept his promise, letting Yoshiki do whatever crazy things he wanted to disguise himself, and didn't make a big point of dragging him everywhere. As he kept insisting, it was a break. A little time to compose himself, get whatever was bugging him sorted out so that he could go on living. Little did Yoshiki know he was fated to do just that. As he and Heath were walking into a club, someone rushed out and ran straight into Yoshiki, knocking them both over. Heath ran to Yoshiki's side and helped him up as both men apologised profusely.

"Daijoubu?" Heath asked, genuinely concerned, but Yoshiki didn't hear him. The man flat on his ass, rubbing his palms clean distractedly, was none other than the very person he had been trying so hard to avoid. Unable to stop himself, he walked to him and bent over him, gazing at him in near reprimand. Heath, watching, cocked his head a little.

"Daijoubu?" Yoshiki asked softly, and Kaoru looked abruptly up at his voice. They stayed as they were for a moment, during which it was obvious to any passerby, including Heath, that they shared some sort of moment. Realising this must be the problem, Heath quirked an eyebrow. Hadn't he seen that man somewhere before...?

"Yoshiki?" Kaoru asked softly, and the mentioned man clicked his tongue and pulled him up by his arm.

"Don't just sit there like an idiot," he scolded, shaking his head. A small smile crept onto his face. This really wasn't as awkward as he thought it would be. He was actally happy to see the man again. "Haven't changed, have you?" Kaoru merely stared at him, shaking his head mutely. Deciding it was now or never, Yoshiki sighed and turned to Heath. "I think he's drunk. Do you mind if I take him home?"

By now, Heath was ready to threaten to push the man over a cliff if it meant he would talk to the "problem". It was painfully obvious by the very way they interacted that there was _something_ between them, and Heath's instincts told him it was a very good something. He answered immediately.

"Sure." On second thought, if you don't talk to him, I can at least get my two cents in. "Go sleep, then, too. I'll see you tomorrow." He opened his mouth to protest, but Heath gave him a look that he'd been using for years to tell drunk Yoshiki to shut up and do as he said. It was a rare look, but Yoshiki recognised it and didn't continue. Heath walked casually into the club, hoping for the best. After he was gone, Yoshiki turned back to Kaoru, and the look in his eyes made it plain he knew Kaoru wasn't drunk.

"All right, you, what's wrong?" he asked, suddenly reverting to manager-mode. Kaoru hesitated to answer him, and Yoshiki suddenly got a very bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I need to talk to you," he said, his eyes coming to rest on Yoshiki definitively. His voice was the same tone as it had been the very first time Yoshiki's resolution had broken to him, and he felt it begin to crumble again. He found himself unable to speak, and once again merely nodded.

Kaoru brought him back to his house, and immediately after showing him to the couch went in the kitchen to make tea. It was a quaint little apaato, with nice tatami mats and all black furniture, except for a very old looking table in the dining room. It was burnt wood, and had many little imperfections in it. Yoshiki wandered about for a few moments as Kaoru was in the kitchen, something Kaoru never knew about. He noticed things about the apaato that spoke to him as little bits of, or explanations for, Kaoru. The clock in the dining room, for example, which was also old and black, but was a cuckoo clock. It looked like it had been painted black a long time ago, and the paint was about to peel any moment. That was Yoshiki's favourite piece, and would remain so. By the time Kaoru peeked out of the kitchen, Yoshiki had seated himself on the couch, his back to the kitchen, and was playing nervously with his bracelet. Yoshiki was the kind of person who, especially when nervous, needed something small to do with his hands. When he'd had to start regularly wearing wrist braces, he'd developed the habit of scratching the skin around his nails, which was another one of those habits he hated but never seemed able to break. He felt eyes on him, and looked over his shoulder to see Kaoru walking into the living room, and he sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Yoshiki had spread himself almost sideways across the thing in an attempt to relax, and he sat almost against his knee.

"That's going to take awhile," he said, gesturing behind him, toward the oven, with a thumb. "My stove barely works." Yoshiki merely nodded and went back to playing with his bracelet. After a long while Kaoru sat forward, and as Yoshiki looked up he met the man's eyes. He shivered, his hand falling from the bracelet, and Kaoru sighed.

"Do you ever take those sunglasses off?" Kaoru asked, smiling a little. _Oh, no, please not that..._ Yoshiki pleaded silently, but didn't hesitate to remove them and fold them neatly into his shirt pocket.

"Better?" he asked, trying to control his voice so it wouldn't waver. Kaoru merely nodded, the ghost of a smile passing over his face. "What did you want to talk about?" Yoshiki asked after a moment, trying, hoping, to change the unspoken subject. "Is something wrong with the band?" Kaoru smiled again, a little spitefully, and shook his head, his gaze falling.

"No, not the band." He said softly. "Something's wrong with _me_." _No,_ Yoshiki thought, _Don't say that. There's _nothing _wrong with you_. Sympathetically, he sat up more, pulling his legs in and turning a little toward Kaoru.

"You can talk to me," he said, silently hoping he would. Or he wouldn't. Yoshiki didn't know what he wanted anymore. He just wanted to be safe, to be loved. But he couldn't have that, now, could he? Kaoru nodded a little.

"I...I don't really know how to say this, Yoshiki-san," he stuttered. Yoshiki felt the cold dread rise in his stomach again. Suddenly Kaoru sat up and looked directly at him, and Yoshiki felt the same feeling he had the first time he'd looked at him like that. As if, were he standing, he would have fallen. Thankfully, he wasn't, and he tried hard to silence his beating heart. Maybe if he thought about it long enough it would stop beating altogether. Now wouldn't that be something. "I don't even know _what_ to say," Kaoru continued. "Ever since that party..." Yoshiki's eyes widened for a split second, and he literally felt his heart skip a few beats. When he could breathe again, his composure was back without question. But his heart had crumpled and was sobbing in a little ball, while his mind just watched with a cruel smile. "I didn't forget," he said, quietly, and Yoshiki felt his entire world begin to fall apart. _No, no...please_... "I remember everything. And it's been bothering me, this whole time. I can't focus on work, my mind keeps slipping during practise and suddenly _I'm_ the one getting yelled at." Despite his bleeding heart, Yoshiki smiled at the image. His strong, defiant Kaoru getting yelled at by his bandmates. _Mine_? ..._Oh, god..._ "I don't even know what to think." _That makes two of us..._ "There's just one thing I need to ask you, I've needed to ask you this whole time." He hesitated, and Yoshiki got chills. His gaze faltered, and suddenly that hand was on his chin again, and he was begging, pleading all the powers in the world to let this last. Oh, please, let it not be a dream. But even so, it's all too much. Even if it is real, it won't be for long... Their eyes met again, and Yoshiki began to glance back and forth between Kaoru's eyes nervously. There was no avoiding it now. He was going to have to answer for his crimes.

"Why did you kiss me, Yoshiki?" Yoshiki's eyes stopped suddenly, and he closed them, unable to look at the man any more. _For your sake, and for mine..._ He took a slow, deep breath, but was interrupted. "If you're going to say it was drunken desire, don't. I don't want to hear that, and what's more I won't believe it." Yoshiki's mouth closed suddenly, and his lower lip slipped into his mouth. He couldn't tell him the truth. What was the truth...? He really didn't know. He shook his head a little, so minutely Kaoru didn't notice.

"I don't know, Kaoru," he said after a long time, and so quietly Kaoru almost couldn't hear him. "Why does anyone do anything? It seems right at the time..."

"Then tell me this," Kaoru said gently in a voice almost as quiet as his own. "Do you regret it?" Yoshiki's heart peeked its head out from under its arms, and his mind began to shrink back. He did know the answer to that one. Blinking a few times, he looked up at Kaoru confidently.

"No, Kaoru, I don't regret it," he said, quietly but with great conviction. "I can't tell you what made me do it then, that night, at that moment, but I can tell you if it hadn't happened then it would have happened some other time."

"Like now?" Yoshiki barely had time to blush before Kaoru's lips were on his own, and he felt so helpless, so perfectly wonderful. This kiss was different from the one they'd shared before. The first was so hesitant, so timid, and this one was perfect, passionate, and confident, and took Yoshiki's breath away. It _said_ something, a thing no words could ever say, and Yoshiki's entire being melted with that kiss. No more were his mind and heart battling. Gone was the fear of rejection, of hurt. The very kiss said that Kaoru would never hurt him, was so flawed that he would never be hypocritical, and so wonderful he would never stop loving him. Yes, that was it, the kiss was pure _love_. Yoshiki closed his eyes, and pressed himself to the man, wanting more and yet for this never to change.

After a few awkward mistakes, Kaoru managed to make love to him, and it was the first time he'd been meaningfully touched by another person in three years. He had never felt so loved in his entire life, even though for months afterward he would tell himself it was just sex. But even Yoshiki had to acknowledge that the experience changed him forever. After they had made love, Yoshiki curled up into Kaoru's arms and wept, thinking only one thing: _Love. It does exist. And I've found it..._


	2. aisu

Yoshiki stood slowly, stretching his arms high, his drumsticks held in one hand. Pata, impatient, was still playing a few random notes on his guitar, and after singing Toshi had immediately abandoned his microphone for the more favourable bottle of water. But Heath was the best. Having jumped around during the last song, which was a torture on him after so many long hours of practise, he had collapsed into the last note and was lying spread-eagle on his back, his bass next to him and his tongue sticking lazily out of his mouth like a dog's. Yoshiki smiled at his band, laughing internally at what Hide would have said to tease Heath.

"Okay," Yoshiki said finally, and the entire band turned minutely toward him, expecting to be asked to do it _again_. "I think that's good for now." Heath made a loud sound of weary happiness, and Pata laughed at him, poking him with his toe once he had set his guitar in its stand. Yoshiki set his drumsticks on the stool and leaned down to pick up his discarded shirt. The sound of the door slamming went unnoticed, as it was assumed someone was leaving, but Toshi's mutter of acknowledgement threw that away completely.

"Konban wa, Kaoru-san." Yoshiki stood abruptly, smacking his head into one of his cymbals, but he caught it before it could tumble to the ground, stilling the metal with one hand as he uprighted it. Kaoru smirked at him from the doorway, and he blushed slightly. Walking by him, Pata patted his shoulder, and Yoshiki waved the hand away. Toshi called goodbye as he left, followed closely by Heath and Pata, who seemed in a great hurry to get out. Once they were alone, Yoshiki rolled his eyes minutely.

"Wonder why they were in such a rush," Kaoru commented sarcastically, and Yoshiki gave him a mildly annoyed look, buttoning up his shirt. "What did I do this time?" Kaoru asked, pulling out his cell phone as it beeped. Yoshiki sighed and stretched a little more, waiting patiently for Kaoru to respond to his text message before approaching the man and pressing their lips together. His hand trailed down Kaoru's spine, sending chills all through the guitarist's body, and kept going, slipping into his side pocket. Suddenly the hand was withdrawn and the kiss broken, and Yoshiki lit the stolen cigarette.

"You've never come to our practise before," he said nonchalantly, hooking his thumb into his pocket as he replaced his lighter. Kaoru stood dumbfounded for a moment, staring at the cigarette as it burned slowly.

"No," he said after a moment, putting his hands back in his own pockets warily. "Why so shocked? Do they know about...?" he asked vaguely, and Yoshiki merely looked at him.

"Why?" he asked, taking another drag before continuing his thought. "Would it bother you if they did?" Kaoru shrugged.

"Not really. I just...didn't expect it." Yoshiki sighed and flicked the cigarette in a rather feminine way, which made Kaoru smile internally. He slipped his hand into his pocket and lit up his own cigarette.

"It's been so long..." Yoshiki said quietly, and Kaoru tried not to second-guess that phrase. "It doesn't matter, then, does it? So, why did you come? Just to tease me?" Yoshiki stepped a little closer, a teasingly inquisitive but deadly look in his eyes. It held the kind of intensity Kaoru had been drawn to in the man, and he fought back dirty thoughts of the many ways to cause that expression.

"Didn't you know? That's my goal in life," he joked, earning a quirked eyebrow as Yoshiki put the cigarette out in a random ashtray by the couch. "But no." He stalled, sucking down the rest of his cigarette and crushing it into the porcelain next to Yoshiki's. "There's a new ice cream shop nearby, and I thought you might like to have some ice cream with me." There it was, and it sounded just as childish out loud as it had in Kaoru's head. He nearly winced. Yoshiki blinked at him.

"...Ice cream?" he asked after a moment, as if it were the strangest thing in the world. Kaoru raised his hand, ready to wave the comment away, but Yoshiki stopped him. "You mean it?" The question was high-pitched, as if he were a child struggling to hide their enthusiasm. Kaoru let his hand fall and nodded.

"I didn't know if you'd want to. It is public...and I know you probably don't want to be seen in public with me too often. I sort of..."

"Kaoru," Yoshiki said softly, an admonition. "You came to invite me to ice cream, not babble all over yourself like an idiot. Are we going?" He was already off, and Kaoru had to jog a few steps to catch up to him. He waited for him to lock the door, then set a brisk pace down the street.

"No car?" Yoshiki asked, lingering a little.

"No. It's a just a little way; I parked my car there," he called back, not hesitating as he knew the older man could catch up. He did so quickly, and walked beside him, leaving a little space between them for decency. They came upon the ice cream shop quickly, and Kaoru ducked into it, followed by a somewhat wary Yoshiki. Being out so casually was a little unnatural for him, especially in the middle of the day, in the middle of a Japanese city...but once he was sure no fangirls were going to squee and approach him for his autograph he came up behind Kaoru. The guitarist gave him a look, to which he shook his head.

"In a few years, you'll understand," he said, which didn't help Kaoru any. He turned back to the huge array of sweet frozen treats in front of him, and began to negotiate pricings per scoop with the man behind them. The place was much like a Baskin Robbins, which Yoshiki adored, and he eagerly scanned the buckets for something to make an interesting combination with. He heard Kaoru pick out his own, and then his name, and turned to the man behind the buckets.

"I'd like to have chocolate," he said, definitively, and Kaoru looked at him, a little shocked. He knew better than to question Yoshiki in public, but in his mind he was thinking _That's it? What did I bring you here for?_ The man gave Kaoru his ice cream, then Yoshiki, and they payed for it separately. Kaoru led the way out of the ice cream shop, starting to munch impatiently.

"Itadakimasu," Yoshiki said quietly, and Kaoru shook his head a little.

"I'd think you'd be out of that habit by now," he commented, and Yoshiki blinked at him. "Did you want to eat here, or go someplace?" Kaoru asked, and Yoshiki thought for a moment.

"Can't we just walk?" he asked, and Kaoru hesitated before nodding and leading the way down the sidewalk. Today felt very different. They were simply there, together - in public even! There was no hiding, no secrets, no sex, just something pure, something sweet, yet slightly cold, like ice cream. After a moment Kaoru broke the silence between them, feeling somewhat awkward.

"Why chocolate?" he asked, and Yoshiki glanced at him fleetingly, continuing the slaughter of his triple-scoop cone. "You had all those options, and it's so unlike you to not do something crazy with them." Yoshiki merely continued eating, not even turning to look at him.

"What did you get?" he asked after a second, and Kaoru glanced at him.

"Caramel-vanilla-pistachio-mocha," he said, suddenly realising the oddness of the combination. "Why do you ask?" Instead of answering, Yoshiki suddenly pulled Kaoru close and sniffed at him, then at his ice cream cone. Kaoru stopped, startled.

"I like chocolate better," he answered cryptically, and continued walking as if nothing at all had occurred between them. Kaoru stood in his place, watching as Yoshiki drifted to a park bench and slouched in it, resting one arm across the back of it and licking at his ice cream placidly. Taking another large bite of his own cone he followed the man and sat next to him, somewhat hesitantly.

"Okay," he said after a moment, "who are you and what have you done with Yoshiki?" Yoshiki laughed quietly, closing his eyes.

"It must be the sugar, getting to my head," he said quietly. "You know, I adore the smell of your cigarettes on you. I like it even better than your ice cream." Kaoru smiled.

"Better than chocolate?" Yoshiki scoffed.

"_Nothing_ is better than chocolate." Kaoru quirked a brow and shut himself up by eating more ice cream. There were a million things he could have said at that moment, but to each of them the rule "not in public" applied. A silence fell over them, to the background of a light breeze stirring the trees and cars on a fairly distant street. Kaoru let his own eyes close, keeping the ice cream close enough that he would still be able to eat it. It was so comfortable, just sitting in his presence, knowing there was no strife between them, that everything was fine in the world, if only for a few moments. Unconsciously, their hands found each other against the wood of the bench and linked themselves, making them inch closer. After what seemed like an eternity, Yoshiki broke the stillness with a sudden, loud crunch. Kaoru opened his eyes and turned to Yoshiki, who was eating the cone the ice cream had been in.

"You _eat_ the _cone_?" he asked, incredulous. Yoshiki's brow furrowed.

"Don't you?" Kaoru continued to stare, and he smiled and ruffled the younger man's hair, something he knew irked him. "Wierdo." He laughed a little and broke off a piece, holding it out to Kaoru.

"It's sweet and crunchy. This one kind of tastes like a burnt graham cracker." Yoshiki laughed aloud at the face Kaoru made. He loved to share the things he enjoyed with others, in the hopes that they would enjoy them, as well. So, knowing he would hear about it later if he didn't, Kaoru took the piece from him and cautiously put it in his mouth. Politely, he chewed, trying not to make a face, which only made Yoshiki laugh more. His gaiety was infectious, and soon Kaoru was laughing, too, the evil piece of cone completely forgotten. Yoshiki broke their laughter suddenly by taking a bite in the middle of Kaoru's ice cream. The smile lingered on Kaoru's face, though he was somewhat stunned. He looked sadly at the ice cream, and pouted, wanting instinctively to hear more of the man's sweet laughter. Instantly he was rewarded, and Yoshiki shoved his shoulder playfully.

"Hey, that's not too bad," Yoshiki said, his eyes shining from laughter. "I'll trade you." Kaoru gaped playfully at him, and they both laughed some more. The laughter died slowly this time, and they both settled back once more. Yoshiki turned on his side to watch as Kaoru finished his ice cream, munching slowly on his cone. When he was down to his cone, Kaoru glanced flirtatiously at Yoshiki.

"I imagine you want this," he said, offering the cone to him. Yoshiki took it, but dumped both of the cones into the trash can beside the bench. He scooted closer to confide in Kaoru, and smiled mischievously.

"I've thought of something better than chocolate," he said quietly, his voice low and suggestive. Kaoru nearly gulped. It should be illegal to be as beautiful, desirable and...well, perfect as Yoshiki.

"What's that, tenshi?" he asked. Yoshiki's eyes softened just a little. Glancing indiscreetly around them to make sure the coast was clear, he gave Kaoru a soft, meaningful kiss.

"You." Suddenly there was a squee, and Yoshiki reacted to it by pushing himself into a casual sitting position, totally composed. A young girl approached them nervously, a huge smile on her face. She had blue hair, which she had tied into pigtails, and she was wearing a slightly gothic schoolgirl outfit.

"Are you Yoshiki?" she asked in somewhat broken Japanese. Yoshiki nodded placidly, leaning forward. "Can I have your autograph, please?" she asked, this time in English. Yoshiki smiled at her happily and held out his hand for her paper and pen.

"What's your name?" he asked, and she took a deep breath, beaming.

"Ashley." Yoshiki wrote the girl a brief note, then signed his name, putting the now blessed paper and pen back into her shaking hands. She threw herself abruptly into a 90-degree-angle bow, and thanked him in the most elabourate way she knew. Then, smiling, she bounced away as if she were afraid of the man. Kaoru watched with fascination, and Yoshiki sat back and watched her go.

"That was..."

"Absolutely terrifying," Yoshiki finished. He sighed. "I love them, perhaps more than they love me, but sometimes they really do have bad timing." He rubbed his temples for a moment, then turned back to Kaoru. "Do you mind-"

"Come on," Kaoru interrupted, standing and offering his hand. Yoshiki took it and stood with him. Suddenly Yoshiki's phone rang, and he took a few steps away to answer it. Kaoru watched as he had a clipped conversation with someone in English, then walked back over, an apologetic expression painted onto his face. "I'll give you a ride," Kaoru offered, not waiting for an explanation. Yoshiki nodded slowly, looking ashamed, and followed Kaoru back to his car.

"Thank you," he said when they had settled into the car. Kaoru put his keys in the ignition and turned to give Yoshiki a much longer kiss. His hand snaked behind the man's neck, and Yoshiki's hands drifted up toward Kaoru's shoulders. After a moment he pushed him away, biting his lip. "I'll be late," he said quietly, almost an apology. Kaoru blinked for a moment, before settling back into his seat and asking for directions.

After dropping Yoshiki off, Kaoru picked out another cigarette and lit it, then turned on the radio because the silence in his mind was getting to him. Ironically, they were playing "Crucify My Love", and Kaoru smiled. The song made him think of Yoshiki, not the tragedy of the band or the lyrics itself, and he found himself sniffing the air. The pleasant smell of his special mint-tobacco cigarettes filled the car, and he knew the smell was on him. Randomly, he found himself struck to drive to the convenience store, because mint chocolate ice cream sounded like the perfect end to such an interesting day.


	3. all the love I have for you  pt1

_He's standing on the balcony, his back to me while he chain smokes. I hate it when he does that, especially when he won't talk to me while he does it. If he's angry, I want to know why. It's usally at me, anyway, so I think I deserve to know. But he just stands there, leaning against that goddamned railing, sucking down one cancer stick after another, pretending he hasn't got a care in the world. And today he's doing it because of me, that much I know. Why else would he be doing it in _my_ hotel, in the middle of the night, with the excuse of staying up to wait for _me_?_

Yoshiki sighed and took off his sunglasses, setting them on the small bedside table slowly. He wanted to take as much time as he could, hesitate for strength before going into battle. Kaoru sniffed a little and tapped his cigarette against the balcony railing, signalling that he'd heard Yoshiki come in, and Yoshiki took a slow, deep breath. He knew he was being hypocritical in his apprehension, as he was just as much of a time bomb as the younger guitarist. _But I don't go off as often as Kaoru_, he thought to himself. Then, _...do I?_ Kaoru cleared his throat this time, and finished with his cigarette dropped it carelessly into the ashtray on the railing by his arm and pulled out his next one. He struggled with lighting it, and Yoshiki came up quickly to light it for him. He turned minutely toward the man, locking eyes with him for just a moment and nodding his head a little in thanks. Yoshiki took the quick glance and analysed it as best he could for the cause of the man's agitation. His eyes had been sorrowful, as if he were hurt, but they were also defensive. _What on earth could I have done?_ he thought. Slipping the lighter back into his pocket, he turned to lean against the balcony next to Kaoru. The younger man stayed silent for a while, just smoking and staring out across the city, which made Yoshiki even more nervous. Evntually he finished his cigarette, and after stubbing it out didn't take another.

"How was it?" Kaoru asked. Yoshiki nearly flinched. He _hated_ when people avoided the subject. A tense silence fell between them, and Yoshiki sighed loudly and turned so he leaned back against the railing.

"What's wrong?" he asked, and Kaoru actually did flinch, though not very dramatically. The younger man dropped his chin against his chest and didn't respond. After a moment Yoshiki reached for him slowly and brushed some of his hair behind his ear, wanting to see his face. Kaoru shook away from him violently, making him start.

"Don't touch me," he said quietly, more of a plea than a reprimand. Instantly his demeanour changed, his fists clenching at his sides and his face becoming distorted with rage and sorrow. "God DAMN it! I am so fucking sick of people talking! They think they know fucking EVERYTHING!" Yoshiki recoiled a little, unwillingly. The man was absolutely terrifying when he was truly upset. He advanced on him, and Yoshiki tried hard not to flinch and hide his face. "Do you know one of them had the _audacity_ to _walk up_ to me today, and ask me _outright_ if I was gay! God DAMN it!" He flew to the rail again, launching himself at it before leaning onto it nearly desperately. Yoshiki almost laughed at the irony of the situation. He walked up to Kaoru cautiously and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Kaoru," he began, suppressing chuckles, "they _all_ think we're gay. We wear _dresses_."

"That's just it, isn't it?" he said after a second, his voice low and very nearly tearful. He choked back a sob, and all the laughter fled Yoshiki, leaving him feeling suddenly cold and empty. There was something very wrong, and it went much deeper than some stupid fan's quip about homosexuality. "That's why you never come out with me. That's why we can never been seen together. All because of the stupid goddamned fans..." A few tears found themselves out of his eyes, and Yoshiki shivered.

"Kaoru, you can't really think..." Kaoru rounded on him instantly.

"I don't _think_, Yoshiki! I _know_!" He threw his hands down in frustration and began pacing a little. "I hate it..." he mumbled, partly to himself. "I hate it all...There's no reason anymore, is there? No reason at all. It's not worth it...!" He had stopped in mid-step, unable to walk and hold back tears at the same time. Yoshiki, who had watched him patiently long enough, approached him and wrapped his arms around him slowly. He bit back the tears, giving in a little and leaning against the older man.

"No, Kaoru, that's not it...not it at all." Slowly he returned the embrace, and Yoshiki rocked them a little. "Think of all the wonderful things you've done, all of the things you can do. Honestly, think of all the peoples' lives you've saved..." Kaoru withdrew a little and gazed up at him, and he sighed a little and held him closer. "Last week I read a message on my MySpace from one of my fans. She told me I had saved her life. She said she'd felt like she had nothing left to live for, and then she heard my music, and realised that if something so beautiful could exist in this world, it must not be as bad as she thought." Kaoru scoffed a little.

"She said that?"

"Don't laugh," Yoshiki scolded softly, and Kaoru fell silent, closing his eyes and listening to the man's heartbeat. "She may need help, but gods..." Unable to finish the thought, he gulped softly and closed his own eyes, nuzzling into Kaoru's shoulder and curling one hand into his hair. After a long moment, Kaoru mumbled something indiscernable against him. He pulled back a little and questioned him quietly. His eyes had fallen, as if he couldn't look at the man, and he said it again, still too quiet for Yoshiki to hear him. As he began to ask him again, Kaoru brought his eyes up abruptly to meet his own. Yoshiki nearly gasped. There were tears in them.

"That's not what I meant," he said softly, spitting out the words. His eyes fell again, his whole body seeming to sag and become weak. Yoshiki watched him for a long time before speaking.

"...What do you mean?"

"When I said...it wasn't worth it...that there's no reason," he managed. He was talking slowly, as if fighting with himself. "I...I wasn't talking about...the music..." Yoshiki's expression changed subtly as he felt something invisible and heavy hit him square in the chest, taking the breath out of him. It took him a moment to start breathing again.

"What, then?" he asked softly, not sure he was audible outside his own mind. But Kaoru shook his head a little, a single tear falling from his bent face.

"I don't know..." he said. He looked back up at Yoshiki, who felt himself choke at the younger man's tearstained face. He'd never seen the man cry before - not once. He had always assumed he considered himself too manly. But now here he was, weeping before him like a helpless child. Yoshiki wanted desperately to reach out and clutch the man to him, hush him to calm, tell him how much he loved him...anything. But his body wouldn't move. It was enough effort just to continue to think; it seemed so impossible that he was still breathing. "I don't know," Kaoru said again, his voice a helpless whine. He choked back more tears, closing his eyes for a moment to compose himself. Once calm, he shook his head again. It was beyond words now, the feelings surging though him confusing him more than ever. Suddenly Yoshiki took a few quick steps forward, and met his lips in a desperate, passionate kiss. Before he knew what was happening, Kaoru had pushed the man off him so violently he almost fell and was backing away warily. His eyebrows knitted, and he shook his head, backing away slowly to the other side of the balcony, while Yoshiki clutched the rail and watched him, absolutely dumbfounded. Suddenly a shrill sound came from the bedroom, making Kaoru start. As he realised it was Yoshiki's cell phone, he sighed in relief and turned to the man.

"Aren't you going to get that?"

The instant he'd said it he regretted it: his words were harsh, commanding. And while Yoshiki was used to that demenour in bed, it was extremely rare otherwise. It ripped through him like a dull knife, and he felt himself choke again. Kaoru gaped at himself for a moment, his expression almost matching Yoshiki's, before he turned suddenly and strode into the room. He grabbed his jacket off the bed and swung it over his shoulders as he opened the door. Yoshiki could only stand still and stare after him as he walked quickly away, shutting the door behind him. It took him a moment to command his body to move, before he raced out the door, calling the man's name. The room was on the second floor, and Yoshiki stumbled down the stairs in an attempt to catch up with him. He was at the hotel door when Yoshiki caught himself at the bottom of the stairs, a number of bellboys and desk clerks rushing forward, concerned. He practically thew them off, jumping up instantly and running after Kaoru. He caught up to him right outside the door, where he had slowed down, barely able to continue walking. Yoshiki snatched his wrist as soon as he was close enough and pulled him around to face him forcefully. Kaoru averted his eyes, knowing what he'd see if he looked up. The man never cried anymore, but the expression he knew was there anyway would have sent him to his knees, begging for mercy. The older man stared at him, his hand still clutched around his wrist. It was shaking.

"Why?" he whispered after a moment, his voice barely audible. "Kaoru...I don't understand..." His own eyes strayed as he tried to think coherent thoughts over his racing heart. "What have I done? Just tell me, talk to me...please..." Kaoru closed his eyes, trying to think of a consistent response. But he couldn't lie to the man, he couldn't avoid that angel voice, begging him for the truth.

"I...I'm so sorry," was what he found himself saying. His voice was desperate, pleading to be let go, to not have to deal with this anymore. Yoshiki looked back at him, focussing himself on the man fully. His hand stopped shaking, but Kaoru's whole body trembled in its place. "I never meant to hurt you...you shouldn't be hurt like this. I'm a fucking daemon, Yoshiki, compared to you. You make me feel so guilty sometimes..."

"What do you mean?" Yoshiki asked, genuinely confused.

"I've...done some really stupid things, Yoshiki...some of them recently. And...I can't make you face that, face me...It would be so selfish of me-"

"You're being selfish _now_," Yoshiki interrupted him, his hand falling from his wrist. He grabbed the man's shoulders and forced him to face him. Kaoru's entire demeanour was fearful, but Yoshiki's eyes were stern, reasonable. It made Kaoru feel like he was being judged by the fearsome Christian God. "We've all made mistakes, Kaoru, gods! Is this really what all this is about?" Kaoru tried to look away, but the power of Yoshiki's gaze seemed to keep him locked right where he was. "Stop being so goddamned immature. You think I've never done stupid things? You think I've never been with people who have done stupid things? We're all human, Kaoru. I love you for you, and that package includes everything, the good news _and_ the bad news." His expression changed a little, becoming slightly exasperated and very tired. "Are you finished?" he asked after a long moment. "Can we talk about this now?" Kaoru hesitated before nodding a little, his eyes finally being released from their invisible grip as they fell onto his feet. Yoshiki sighed and let go of him, coming to his side to put his arm around his shoulders and lead him back inside. The doorman glanced at them slightly as they passed, and Yoshiki smirked to himself. _So much for not being seen with you in public..._


	4. all the love I have for you pt2

As they walked back inside, Yoshiki let go of Kaoru, and the younger man trailed after him, his hands buried deep in his pockets and his hair slung into his face self-consciously. It took a few moments for him to catch up with Yoshiki, and he shut the door behind them as Kaoru slunk over to the bed and sat slowly. Sighing, Yoshiki went over to sit with him. His eyes were down still, and with a little smile Yoshiki turned his chin up and brushed the hair from his face. Upset as he was, he was still so handsome.

"Now," he said softly, the smile drifting off his face. "Tell me what's bothering you." Kaoru blinked at him for a long time, then looked away.

"I-" he began, weakly, then dropped off completely. Yoshiki closed his eyes for a moment, collecting himself so as to not go off on him.

"Would it help if I asked you to start from the beginning?" he asked, his voice tinted with exasperation. Kaoru glanced back up at him briefly, then nodded a little. There was a silence, and Yoshiki settled back, waiting patiently. The air was tense, and he fought not to play with his hands, one of his nervous tics which he knew would make Kaoru even more nervous himself. Instead he settled for chewing inconspicuously on his lower lip. Kaoru drew in a slow, deep breath.

"A few months ago, when we were in America - the band, I mean - we were at a party..." His voice was halting, and he hesitated in his speech to sigh and close his eyes for a moment. "We were all so drunk, even Kyo, and he doesn't get smashed as often as any of us. It was late when we finally went back to the hotel, and we were all so drunk we barely made it into our rooms. I..." He paused again, and Yoshiki shifted a little, urging him on silently. "I was...changing...in my room...when the door opened. I was a little startled, but I was too drunk to really care. I didn't even see who it was, because I hadn't bothered to turn the light on. But he closed the door behind him and all of a sudden he was...kissing me." Another pause, and Yoshiki stopped chewing on his lip. He felt something tighten in his chest and his entire body go suddenly cold, but he made no sound. "I pushed him away..at f-first." Kaoru was struggling with his words now, and was starting to tremble bodily. "But...but he didn't stop. H-he just came at me again, and this time he...he started touching me, and I was - gods, that's not an excuse...! I didn't even think, I was so fucking drunk and tired." He took a deep, shuddering breath, attempting to calm himself. "I don't remember most of what happened..." he said softly after a moment, "I j-just know it did." His trembling had increased a good deal, and he was staring fixedly at the sheets between them, his eyes full of confusion and desperation. Yoshiki's hand twitched of its own accord, and he cleared his throat, fighting back the rage that was building up inside him.

"Who-?" was all he managed to whisper out, as his hand clutched at the bed sheets. Kaoru cringed slightly at his voice.

"K-Kyo." Yoshiki shut his eyes, letting go of the sheets and clenching his jaw. As hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to make his mind work. He took a few slow, deep breaths, but it didn't help much. Kaoru whimpered something softly, barely audible, but Yoshiki wasn't listening.

"It...wasn't...it was the drink," he said softly, halfway between a question and a statement. Kaoru didn't answer him for a long moment.

"Yes...b-but..." He fell silent again, and Yoshiki gulped. He took a deep breath and barely managed his next question, fighting it out through clenched teeth.

"But?"

"It happened again," Kaoru said, his voice noticeably less shaky but much darker, filled with a deep note of sorrow. He had resigned himself to his fate: he'd gotten this far, there was no going back. He'd tried to make it easy, just push the man away, but he couldn't. Then again, he'd said he couldn't do a lot of things, and ended up doing them anyway. "During the last tour. We weren't drunk that time." There was another silence, during which Yoshiki tried for the last time to control his anger and failed. He snapped.

"And how long, Kaoru?" he asked, his voice quiet and laced with venom. He turned to him slowly, his eyes filled with rage and sorrow. "How long did you hesitate? Did you even bother!" His voice was rising, and Kaoru shrank back a little. "For that matter, how long were you planning on keeping this from me? Fuck!" He jumped to his feet, his back to the man, and began to scream. "Why? Why, Kaoru!"

"Because you weren't there!" Kaoru retorted, the tears he had been fighting back finally spilling forth and cracking his voice. "You were never there! That's why! You _are_ never there!" He rose and went to the man's side, and Yoshiki closed his eyes again, his fists clenching at his sides. "You may be perfectly content with a relationship across the phone, across an entire _ocean_, but that's just not cutting it for me!" He began to pace, from one side of the room to the other, in quick, sharp strides. "You can call it my youth if you want, say it's my dick talking and I need to learn to control myself, that I'm fucking immature. And you know what? You'd probably be right. I know you'd be right!" He stopped right in front of Yoshiki, his voice lowering a little. "You're _always_ right." Yoshiki's mouth fell open slowly, and he blinked a few times. He shivered.

"Stop it," he whispered. "Please..." A small, barely audible whine escaped his lips, and Kaoru felt the tears coming again. This was what he was afraid of; the terrible alternative to tears. Angels don't cry with tears, they cry with their very souls. Yoshiki's eyes darted around, as his mind raced to catch up to his heart. He shook his head a little, no longer able to form words to express his thoughts. Kaoru started trembling again.

"I tried, Yoshiki," he managed. A plea, or an apology. "I tried..." Yoshiki's eyes stopped moving, fell upon the floor and glazed over, seeing nothing. Kaoru felt hot tears chasing each other wildly down his flushed face. He was so stupid, so weak, to fall for someone else and to sit here crying over it. No, he hadn't fallen for Kyo. Kyo hadn't fallen for him. It was just sex between friends. He almost scoffed at himself. _Friends don't have sex._

Yoshiki's mind started to catch up, and he closed his mouth. He shivered again, feeling his too-tense body start to relax. His wrists and hands hurt like hell, from the forced clenching and unclenching. So did his head. He could feel his heartbeat in every part of his body, as feeling returned to him, and he sighed. He blinked a few times, slowly, registering everything and letting it settle a little, giving himself time to think of something intelligent to say. This was a crucial moment, and through the haze in his mind he knew if everything didn't go right he'd walk out of this hotel and back into a solitary life.

"What now?" he said, softly. Kaoru looked at him slowly, then shook his head.

"I should leave," he answered, but made no move to do so. Yoshiki was still staring at the ground. He licked his lips, which were extremely dry, and bit his bottom one lightly.

"I think so," he said slowly, and looked back up at him. "I think...one of us should. But...we have to come back." His eyes drifted downward for a moment, but he brought them back up to meet Kaoru's. The younger man scratched his chin self-consciously, then nodded.

"I...I don't want-"

"Neither do I. But this is...it's going to take some time." Kaoru nodded again, his hand falling from his chin and both finding refuge in his pockets. Yoshiki sighed heavily, his gaze drifting once more. "You should go now." His brow furrowed for a moment, and then he nodded. After a moment Kaoru turned and started out the door. "Can I call you?" Yoshiki asked as he reached for the knob. "When I feel like I can talk." Kaoru glanced over his shoulder and nodded.

"I love you," he said softly, then instantly regretted it. Yoshiki cringed at the phrase. He opened his mouth to urge him away again, but the man was already out the door, shutting it quietly behind him. As the door hissed shut, he felt something within him collapse entirely. His heart was pounding in his chest, a coldness settled next to it. Yoshiki fell back onto the hotel bed and, for the first time in over a decade, cried himself to sleep.

Three weeks later Kaoru was walking down to the Tokyo underground when his cell phone rang. Cursing, he ran back up the stairs and answered it quickly.

"Moshi-moshi? Kaoru desu."

"Moshi-moshi, Kaoru." Kaoru's breath caught in his throat.

"...Yoshiki." There was a long pause, and Kaoru took advantage of it to slip into a fairly quiet restaurant. He slunk to the very back and sat himself down quickly. Yoshiki cleared his throat.

"Where are you now?"

"I'm in Tokyo at the moment." He dismissively ordered a random drink from the waitress who had bustled over to him. Yoshiki cleared his throat again, this time softly.

"I see. That's good." Kaoru's cell phone beeped again, and he sighed frustratedly.

"Excuse me for just a second." He took the phone away and pressed a button to read the text.

_Hungry?_ It was from Die. He punched in an answer as fast as he could.

_Bad time. Don't text back._ After pressing the send button he brought the phone back to his ear and apologised. Yoshiki laughed softly.

"Texting?" Kaoru's brow furrowed.

"How-?"

"It beeps when you press buttons." Yoshiki laughed a little more, and Kaoru made a sound of exasperation. "Baka..." he said softly, almost as if he were afraid the jest would be taken seriously. There was another pause, then Kaoru cleared his throat. The waitress brought him what turned out to be a black coffee in a small cup perched on a saucer. He thanked her softly and reached for the sugar. His hands were shaking a little, but he fought rushing the man. Things didn't look good as it was, why make the situation worse? "I'm in Tokyo, too," Yoshiki said finally. "I thought maybe we could meet somewhere and talk." Kaoru stirred his coffee, taking his time answering so as to not seem too anxious.

"I'd like that. If you want." Yoshiki made a small noise of assent.

"Where are you in the city?" Kaoru peered out the window for street signs, and told him. He made another quiet sound. "Can you be at the park around the corner in fifteen minutes?"

"Of course."

"Thank you." There was another small silence, while Kaoru wondered how to respond. After a moment he realised there was only one thing he could say.

"You're welcome."

The sky was grey, imminent of rain, and the weather had started to cool. Summer was ending, being replaced by the gloom and harshness of autumn and winter. Kaoru sat on a park bench, his arm slung over the back and his sunglasses on his face, hoping it wouldn't rain. As he sat he thought, about when he'd finally told Yoshiki how he felt, about how much they had gone through to get to a stable relationship. Fleetingly, of how he had criticised the older man for constantly wearing sunglasses, a habit he had recently acquired. Then his thoughts drifted to the more recent events, and he wondered why Yoshiki had decided to call him so soon. For the third time that minute, he glanced at his watch. Still fourteen minutes. It was a bit odd that Yoshiki was on time, or even potentially late; he was nearly always frustratingly early. That habit had spoiled a number of Kaoru's attempts at a romantic surprise, until he had learned to have everything ready at least an hour early. He smiled a little at the thought. Suddenly he was shaken from his trance as soft footsteps crunched toward him, and someone sat on the other end of the bench. Kaoru didn't even have to look, he could smell the man's cologne and was still so used to his presence. They were silent for awhile, as the clouds drifted over the sun intermittently. Then Yoshiki shifted.

"I didn't want to talk on the phone," he said. Kaoru nodded, turning to him finally. He was staring at his hands, which were fidgeting in his lap like a pair of puppies. It made Kaoru smile, and he shivered a little. He had missed the man more than ever, fearing he'd never see him again. It took a lot of effort to not embrace him.

"I understand." Yoshiki pursed his lips and nodded a little. Kaoru suddenly had a horrible feeling settle in the pit of his stomach. He'd expected Yoshiki to be nervous, but there was something wrong, something he hadn't expected. He turned to him, and his hair fell across his face elegantly. He was wearing sunglasses, too, so Kaoru didn't see him roll his eyes. A tiny smile crept onto his face as he realised the irony of the situation.

"Can you take off your sunglasses, please?" he asked, and as Kaoru moved instantly to do so he mirrored him. Yoshiki folded his neatly in his lap and turned back to look Kaoru in the eye. "That's much better." He sighed slowly, and Kaoru tried to ignore the unsettling feeling. "I've done a lot of thinking in the past few weeks. You wouldn't believe," he said, then shook his head. "No, I imagine you would." He closed his eyes for a moment to stop himself from rambling, avoiding the subject, and went straight to the heart of the thing. "What matters is that I trust you. I trust you more than anyone. And you betrayed that trust." Kaoru's eyes fell a little, but Yoshiki's stayed fixed. "I want to have it back," Yoshiki said after a moment, his voice much softer. "For better or worse, I love you, and even though you hurt me I can't help but forgive you. I want to be able to trust you again, Kaoru, because there can't be anything if we don't trust each other." Kaoru nodded. "And I want to hear you apologise," he added suddenly, his voice a little harsher. "That was one thing you never did." Kaoru looked back up at him, his eyes filled with sincerity and a near desperate hope.

"I am so sorry," he said. "I can't believe you're willing to forgive me, because I haven't even forgiven myself yet - but I am infinitely grateful." He bowed his head humbly. "I don't deserve it. I'm so sorry..." Yoshiki watched him, and his face melted into an expression of tired sorrow.

"Thank you," he said after a long silence. Kaoru kept his head bowed. Yoshiki sighed again, and fiddled with his sunglasses. "It might take a while - and honestly, I hope it does, because you're going to have to _earn_ that trust back - but...I don't want this to end." Kaoru raised his head a little so he could meet Yoshiki's eyes. He couldn't believe he'd heard the man correctly. A part of his heart he'd denied and hid away seemed to peek its head out cautiously to test the air. Was it really safe? Was he getting another chance? He didn't even feel he deserved one. He'd expected Yoshiki to walk away as fast as he could, and every step would have been justified. But here he was, sitting on a park bench staring at Kaoru almost kindly. But there was a sternness to his gaze, as well. As forgiving as angels were, they were hard to appease. They had seen too much.

"Thank you," Kaoru said softly. It seemed somehow odd, that he was the one saying it instead of the other. But he finally understood the way he meant it so often. He was being given another chance at life, at happiness. Kaoru himself had been that for Yoshiki, and he had stolen that from him. His heart ached, and he felt more guilty than ever. Yoshiki nodded. "I love you," Kaoru said, his very voice wondering if he was allowed to say the simple, perfect phrase again. A small smile curved Yoshiki's lips, softening his eyes.

"I love you, too."


	5. Almost

Blood. That's all Kaoru could remember of the first few seconds. Being surrounded completely by it. The smell of it, the feel of it, even the taste of it. Somewhere deep inside him he knew someone had died, and he hoped at first that it wasn't him. Unfortunately, he'd been right.

After the first few seconds, he remembered the sound of the car horn. It was being laid on, and that sound has always freaked him out. Even before, and even more now.

Then came the smell. The smell of clean air, smoke, and burned rubber, mingling in with the blood. His sight started to return about then, too, and he had a splitting pain in his head. He could feel a heavy weight against his right arm, a _dead_ weight, and he tried to muster the will to turn toward it. Someone was screaming. Someone in the other car was screaming through tears, muffled through the glass but there still. Incoherent English and a name, over and over.

It had taken him a while, but that's what made him realise there had been an accident. Was anyone calling for help? Maybe they were on a road, and someone else was...he couldn't remember. His mind was swimming, along with his vision. Everything looked bright somehow. And suddenly it occurred to him that it was important that he inspect the weight slumped against him. He heard himself mumble something, but he didn't hear what it was, and turned very slowly. The weight slid a little, somewhat off of him, as he turned toward it. And as if he had been drunk, the sight that followed sobered him. The word slipped free of his lips again, but this time he heard it.

"Yoshiki..."

Kaoru could only remember bits and pieces after that. They flashed like a film with broken negatives under his eyelids, only in his sleep. He remembered counting the wounds, then stopping and restarting with only the major ones. Trying to figure out if he was too hurt to move, to reach out and inspect the older man. Then the feel of Yoshiki's warm blood against his fingers, followed by the faint pulsing of his heartbeat. The sound of sirens, then flashing instantly to the flourescent lights of a hospital, flying past. A woman asking him in English what he later guessed was "How many fingers am I holding up?", or something like that. He doesn't remember how many there were, just that they were there. And then he said the word again, and the woman looked down at him with a frown. The incoherent memories end there.

He woke up in a hospital bed in a private room. The window was open and there was only one other person in the room. He was sitting in a chair by the door, with his hands clasped together under his chin, and was staring at the wall with an almost hurt expression on his face. When Kaoru stirred he turned to him, and standing came over to the bed.

"How are you feeling?" Gackt asked softly in Japanese, his voice soothing. Kaoru shook his head.

"Where's Yoshiki?" Gackt frowned a little, and pushed Kaoru back into the pillows as he tried to sit up.

"The doctor wants you to stay still for awhile. They have you on a lot of painkillers, and you banged up your head pretty -"

"Where's Yoshiki!" Kaoru demanded, then cringed at the pain the overexertion caused his head. His vision swam again for a moment, then re-focussed, and he settled back. Gackt brushed a little hair out of his eyes concernedly. He became a total mother hen when someone he cared about was hurt, and Kaoru had often teased him about it.

"He's still in intensive care," Gackt said quietly. When Kaoru didn't respond, he went over to the chair and brought it beside the bed, sitting where he was facing the man. "Would you like to hear about him first, then?" Kaoru tried to nod, but it hurt.

"Yes," he said softly, almost afraid of hearing more. All he could think was _He's alive! ...For now..._ Gackt sighed and brought his hands together in his lap.

"They think it must have been the other car's fault. Either way, the other car hit the passenger's side very hard at an angle, which threw Yoshiki almost sideways into the dashboard. Backlash made his head hit the passenger's side window. All I've heard of the damage is that he has a concussion and possible damage to his back or neck, one or some broken ribs, and there's something wrong with his leg." Kaoru eyed him a little, and he shrugged. "I needed to know. I overheard the doctors talking."

"You eavesdropped."

"Wouldn't you have done the same?" Gackt smiled a little. "It's good to know you're not badly hurt. You can still bitch at me." Just then a nurse walked back in for a moment, then left and returned with a doctor. Gackt stood and pulled his chair back while the doctor inspected Kaoru. After a moment the doctor waved him over to play translator.

"Do you hurt anywhere?" the doctor asked.

"Just my head. I have a headache and my vision swims when I move." The doctor nodded when Gackt had finished translating.

"I'd expected that. We'll get you a neck brace, that should help. I'm afraid it's just one of the aftereffects, though." The doctor instructed the nurse away as Gackt translated, then turned back to him. "You received a mild concussion, but those are fairly easy to recover from as long as the patient cooperates. Other than that, you haven't got any major injuries. You were the luckiest person in the whole thing." The nurse came back with a neck brace, and then fitted it on him. Then she gave him some water.

"What happened to Yoshiki? Is he alright?"

"Yoshiki?" the doctor asked. Gackt explained to him, and he nodded. "I haven't heard. He's in the ICU at the moment, but I do know he's stable. Please rest now, everything will be fine." The doctor left and Gackt pulled the chair back up. He gave Kaoru another drink, then sat back and cradled the cup a little.

"Tell me he's going to be O.K." Kaoru asked warily after a moment. Gackt smiled a little and tapped his nose gently.

"You're both going to be just perfect."

The next time Kaoru woke the lights were off, and Gackt was standing over him. His hands were on his shoulders, which he had been shaking gently to wake him. Kaoru made a disapproving grumble and tried not to stretch.

"Kaoru? They didn't want me to wake you, and they certainly didn't want me to tell you this, but I knew you'd want to know." Kaoru stared up at him, worry painting itself across his face.

"Yoshiki-"

"Yes. He's going to be fine, I'm sure, but..." Gackt trailed off, trying to translate the medical terms into Japanese. Direct translation was much harder for him.

"What!" Kaoru demanded. Gackt hushed him.

"He has a blood clot," he said slowly, then nodded a little. "The doctors are worried about it, but I think it's going to be fine." Kaoru closed his eyes to compose himself. His vision was swimming again, minutely.

"When did you hear this?"

"I woke you up right after I heard." Kaoru bit his lips, and Gackt brushed a finger over them.

"You're going to bleed," he said, his voice just above a whisper and filled with worry. It was hard to stay composed when a good friend was facing death and his lover was upset enough to kill him, if he could stand straight. He fought the urge to mirror Kaoru's action, and instead plopped into the chair again. "Please try to sleep. They were right, I shouldn't have told you..."

"No. Thank you," Kaoru insisted. Gackt stared at his feet, fighting tears. He had said it. Yoshiki was going to be fine. On top of everything, a fucking blood clot was not going to ruin all the doctors' work. Everything was just fine. From Kaoru's method breathing, he had accepted that, and now Gackt just had to convince himself. But why was it so much harder...?

Kaoru didn't wake again for many hours, during which the doctors flitted in and out, one of whom instructed Gackt to sleep, which he did. He wouldn't move from the chair, however, which the nurses frowned at, but he was needed for translation so they let him stay. When Gackt woke, fitfully and covered in a cold sweat, light was coming in through the partially open curtains and Kaoru was propped up in his bed, munching on jell-o and sipping carefully at some water. He smiled a little and held out a spoonful of the green, wiggling substance to Gackt.

"Hungry?" he asked. Gackt shook his head. What did he know that Gackt didn't?

"Any word on Yoshiki?" Kaoru swallowed his spoonful and shook his head.

"They would have woken you if there was. None of them speak Japanese and I only know enough English to coordinate breakfast foods. Can you believe that?" He took another drink, then prodded a blueberry muffin sitting next to his plate.

"This was the only thing they brought I didn't ask for. Sort of. You can have it," he said, and moved it a little toward him.

"No, thank you, I'm -" Gackt was cut off as Kaoru glared down at him with a stare as frightening as any Yoshiki could give. Infected with the carefree manner, Gackt smiled and took the muffin.

"I imagine if he was going to die he would have done it by now," Kaoru said after a moment. "So I'm not too worried." Gackt nodded a little.

"That makes sense." A nurse came in then, and seeing Kaoru still eating went out and was replaced by a doctor. It was a different doctor than the one they were familiar with. This one was smaller and Asian, and bowed a little to them as he approached.

"My name is Ken," he told them in Japanese. "I've been treating Hayashi-san." Kaoru sat up a little.

"How is he?" The doctor smiled kindly.

"He's doing much better. We moved him out of intesive care this morning. He's asking for you, actually, which is why I came down here." Gackt sat back, a little miffed that he'd been made to translate when there was a Japanese doctor, but glad that Yoshiki was living and functional.

"Can I see him?" Kaoru asked expectantly. The doctor smiled again.

"I'm waiting to ask your doctor. I just thought you'd want to know how he was doing. I'll be back in just a moment if you can come." With that he bowed himself out, and Kaoru sighed, relieved. Gackt smiled a little.

"What did I tell you?" he said. Kaoru looked down at him, too happy to be annoyed but trying to glare at him through his wide smile.

"I never said I didn't believe you." The doctor came back in a moment with a nurse and a wheelchair, and they helped Kaoru into it. Gackt stayed behind in his room, and Kaoru tried hard to contain himself. After the stress and fear, he could finally stop worrying. They wheeled him into an elevator and took him to a higher floor, then into a larger room than his own. It was also a single-person room, and Yoshiki lay in the bed with his eyes closed. The sight of him made Kaoru's chest hurt, as if someone had grabbed his heart and squeezed. His face was battered and bruised, cut in some places. The one visible hand was also bruised. Kaoru was almost glad the rest of him was covered, because he didn't want to think about anything but that the man was alive and would soon be well.

"He sustained a bad concussion, so he's still struggling with many things such as speech and movement, but he's conscious. I thought you'd be good for him," the doctor explained quietly as he brought him beside the bed. "I'll leave you for a moment," he told Kaoru, then took the nurse out with him. There were more machines in this room than in Kaoru's. He wished he knew more about medicine, so their presence might explain to him what was wrong with Yoshiki. The older man lay still, his breathing method but a little shallow, his eyes closed. He looked like the victim of some sort of domestic violence, and the thought of that wrenched Kaoru's heart more. Carefully, he reached out and brushed the backs of his fingers against a fairly unbruised part of Yoshiki's hand. After a moment he stirred a little, his eyes opening blearily.

"Hi, tenshi..." Kaoru said softly, smiling. Tears were welling in his eyes, and he fought them back. Yoshiki blinked at him, unresponsive. Slowly, his lips started moving, as he fought to vocalise his thoughts.

"K-Kao..." he managed after a lot of struggle. Kaoru reached up and brushed his lips with the very tips of his fingers. "Ai-ai-ashi-" Kaoru couldn't hold back a huge smile, and a few tears found their way down his cheeks as he realised what he was trying to say. He hushed him, pressing against his lips gently.

"Aishiteiru mo," he responded, and Yoshiki closed his eyes once more. Kaoru could swear he felt the man sigh against his fingers. "You're alive, and we're both going to be fine," he assured him, blinking against the tears. "I love you..." he said again, his voice barely creeping above a whisper. He began to repeat the phrase, over and over, not even trying to hold back the tears anymore, and rest his forehead against the cool metal of the collapsed bed rails. After a while, he took a deep, shaky breath, and closed his eyes. "I almost lost you, tenshi...I don't know what I would have done..." He sobbed a little more, quietly, trying not to be too violent about it lest he trouble Yoshiki. He tried to remember something - anything - that might help distract him a little. The memories of the previous day were still hazy, but he managed to remember one thing that almost made him smile. He took a deep, calming breath, to steady his voice. "Next time, I won't be so damned stubborn. I promise. Next time, you can drive."


	6. Dear Diary pt1

Today was going to be the best day of Yoshiki's week, his month, and maybe even his year - considering it was only March. That morning the sun had been shining, and it was nice and warm but not too humid, which Yoshiki loved. It was a plus that California wasn't nearly as humid as Japan. His favourite outfit was packed neatly in his bedside suitcase, therefore easy to slip right into after a long shower. The many people he had passed by on his way out had all greeted him genially, and a couple of them even asked for his autograph, which since they were small in number remained a nice thing. His driver didn't talk to him at all on the way to the venue, so he had plenty of time to plan his entrance. First, he would walk up to the bus with his hands in his pockets, casually, as if he just happened to be in town and heard they were playing there, so decided to stop by. Then if no one noticed him he'd lean against the bus and smoke just one cigarette, so that anyone who was going to point him out would have just enough time to. And if that still didn't work, he'd rap on the door lightly and pretend he was suprised when Kaoru opened it. It had been, for at least a moment, a perfect plan.

That was, until he found their bus empty. And Kaoru's bag open. And something sticking _out_ of the bag...

Naturally, Yoshiki's curiosity had gotten the better of him, and he had prodded and pulled the thing until it came out. It turned out to be a small, black spiral notebook with glossy, hard covers. Yoshiki had looked around as if he knew for certain he shouldn't read it, then plopped onto the nearest soft object and opened it. His reasoning was that if it was important, or something he didn't want people seeing, he wouldn't leave it practically in the open like that.

He was wrong.

So wrong, in fact, that he actually almost put the thing back after glancing at the first page. It was a journal. The pages didn't start with "Dear Diary" or anything like that, and if they had Yoshiki would have replaced it, thinking it to be owned by someone other than Kaoru. But it was definitely a journal, and a _naughty_ one at that. Its pages were filled with hastily scribbled vertical lines of Japanese, and Yoshiki was suprised to find Kaoru was the only person he'd ever known to use kanji in a journal. The thoughts trailed on and on, constantly, flitting here and there, so passionate, like some kind of dance. Many of them were angry, such as when a show didn't go right or Kyo was being bitchy. Some were sad, in a terribly depressing sort of way. Every few pages there might be a snippet of lovey-dovey trains of thought, all of which involved Yoshiki. Those were his second favourites. But the most abundant scribbled thoughts were much, much worse. They were _definitely_ Yoshiki's favourites. For the thing Kaoru tended to rant about the most was how terribly horny he got on tours and how he wished he had Yoshiki there with him to vent on after concerts. The accounts were often vivid, with detailed fantasies and often times laments over lost time to masturbate. Which, while he knew he should have better control of himself, for some reason really turned Yoshiki on. He flipped through the pages enthusiastically, stopping on random ones and reading the date, then settling down to read. The first one that sunk in began with sheer frustration:

_I HATE FUCKING CONCERTS! The backstage crew this tour is so AGGRAVATING! They have no idea what they're doing. I don't know why we agreed to come to America in the first place. The fans here are amazing, definitely, but everyone else is SO HARD TO WORK WITH! They're lazy and stupid and they have no respect for the performers. We're humans, NOT GODS! Stop expecting so much of us after we worked our asses off on stage for you!_

_Similarly, the fans on our website are arguing over us again. Many of them have respect for us as people, which makes me feel much better. They keep telling the others to stop expecting so much of us. But unfortunately, they're saying these things to the people who are asking us to hurry back or to come for the first time to the country they live in. Don't they realise that's part of the reason we read the posts? Maybe they don't realise we read the posts at all. I can't answer fanmail AND those posts, and I doubt anyone else can either. Maybe we should get someone to do it for us. But not an American. Definitely NOT an American._

_Fuck. Kyo stumbled his way back onto the bus. Hopefully he'll just get some cigarettes and leave. I can never be fucking alone, ever. I wish so bad I could just go home and soak in a tub. You can't really do that here, unless you get a really nice hotel room. And even then if you're sharing it with anyone they say you're hogging the water. SHUT UP DIE!_

_I miss Yoshiki. Stop being a fucking girl, Kaoru. Oh, great, now I'm talking to myself. I need some coffee. Or a smoke. Or both._

The entry ended there, and Yoshiki flipped to another page. It was earlier in the book.

_I feel like someone has died. This dream I had again...I shouldn't let it get to me, but I can't help it...Why can't I just take a break, go back home for just one day and sit down and have some beer and forget...? It's like life stops when you go on tour. Everything else stops around you and you're still going, being run down like a treadmill with a bulldozer on it. Torn up or something. If I was Kyo I'd write a song about it. But I'm not Kyo. I'm scared, tired little Kaoru, some kind of guitarist for a band called Dir en grey, and I'm full of bullshit, just like everybody else. I know I should sleep, but I can't go back to sleep. I'm too fucking scared of that dream. If it comes back I know something in me will snap and I'll go crazy. They'll put me in a straightjacket and haul me off because I'm dangerous. I think there's some vodka in the refrigerator..._

His finger had settled itself in another page, and he turned to it. At a glance, this one looked much less depressing, and he licked his lips and settled back more comfortably.

_Shit...nevermind fucking fanservice jokes. This is serious. Somebody found gay porn somewhere, and I walked onto the bus this morning to screaming and laughing men. The screams were, or course, the porn, and the laughter was Die and Kyo. Kyo can be such a fucking hypocrite...I almost threw him down right there just to reprimand him-_

Disturbed, Yoshiki flipped as fast as he could to another page.

_I thought America was supposed to be some kind of free land. Yeah, okay, I'm being stupid. But just today I wish it was possible somewhere to just clear your throat and say "Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom," and NOT have other people in there the whole damned time. We were watching old X PVs, and damn Yoshiki for being so hot when he drums. I got through the clearing my throat and leaving part, but of course there HAD to be someone else in there the WHOLE DAMNED TIME. So here I'm sitting with an extremely painful erection, and this guy is TALKING TO HIMSELF in the mirror. I thought I knew disturbed people...I guess I was in there for a really long time, waiting for him to leave, because Toshiya came to get me. THEN the guy leaves. But I had to go back with them, and what do you know we're STILL watching X PVs! I waited as long as I could, but I had to run back pretty soon, and thankfully the place was free of schizoids. But then the very worst thing that could happen, FUCKING DID! I'm in the middle of fucking my hand when somebody walks in, and I couldn't just stop then, so I just shut up, but then the guy almost fucking OPENS THE DOOR._

_Fuck America and people who don't have enough sense to not check closed stalls. Damnit._

By the end of the entry, Yoshiki found himself cringing. Poor Kaoru. He couldn't help but laugh a little at the last part, however. Amused and a little disgusted, he turned to the next page.

_God, Yoshiki, I wish you were here right now so I could show you what I wanted to do to you after the show..._

A deep sort of worry settled itself in the pit of Yoshiki's stomach, and he paused for a moment. For just a second, he wondered if he should keep reading, but his curiosity got the better of him. After all, he was talking to him, right?

_The audience tonight was AMAZING. I could practically feel the electricity of the place surging through me. I want to share that with you so bad, tenshi...I want to make you feel that electricity run through your whole body, but I don't want to do it with music...It's not like you don't know what I'm talking about, because you've been on stage more times that I have, probably. But I want to find out if there are other ways to get that feeling. If you share so much intensity, so much raw PASSION with someone like we all did tonight, can you get that same feeling? Can you make your skin tingle like you've been shocked, and your whole body start to shake, and your heart race so fast that even though you're shaking so bad you shouldn't be able to move you just keep GOING...I want to know, Yoshiki. I want to experiment on you, and then let you experiment on me. I want to see if you make my heart race so fast that energy just has to go SOMEWHERE, and I want it to go into you, Yoshiki...In as many ways as you can think of. I want to make a dance with you to the music of your screams, and get dressed up for the stage in your blood, sweat, and cum. I want that so bad, Yoshiki...and you don't know. Would you be scared if I talked to you like this? I hope not, because I think I'll have to next time..._

A shiver ran through Yoshiki's whole body. _No, Kaoru,_ he thought to himself, _It doesn't scare me. And you've never talked to me like that..._ Suddenly he was tempted to grab a pen and scribble into the margin "You shouldn't be so scared of what you don't know." But he didn't. Instead, he turned to the last page, sighing slowly and breathing in the scent of the book, of Kaoru and his mint-tobacco cigarettes, as the pages flipped in front of him. Once he got there, he leaned back against the wall and began to scan the page.

_He's coming! In English that would have a double meaning, wouldn't it? Well, I'm speaking Japanese...or, rather, writing it. Yoshiki called and said he'd try to come to one of our concerts! It makes me so excited, like a child getting candy. Except this kind of candy doesn't disappear when you lick it all over, or bite into it, no matter how long you do it for, does it? So it's the best kind of candy in all the world. Yoshiki, I wish I had the courage to tell you how sexy you are. I know I tell you you're beautiful enough, but I almost never use the word "sexy". I'm sorry. Maybe here I'll have the courage, because you can't see this._

Yoshiki gulped.

_And maybe someday I'll be brave enough to read this for you. Or...paraphrase it._

He shivered. The guilt went away, and he trained his eyes back on the page.

_I think if we ever sat down and talked about it - not that we'd be sitting, but that's not the point - you'd ask me what I found the most sexy about you. And then I'd think, just like this. And I would end up saying your eyes. They're the first thing I see when I look up at you, and I know you don't know it, but they're so expressive. Maybe it's just because I've known you for so long, so intimately, but they are. They look so alluring when you hide them just so under your eyelashes, telling me you want me to ask YOU today. And sometimes you blink this certain way that just screams DAMMIT KAORU FUCK ME! That's one of my favourites. But my very favourite eye-expression is the one you get when I push into you for the first time. You never close your eyes, you look right at me, and it's so erotic and so beautiful I just want to cry. Something happens in your eyes. They get bigger and misty, clouded with lust but begging, as if for mercy. So I have to give it to you, in the only way I know how. By doing exactly what you want me to._

_Then I would start listing the rest of the sexy things about you. Like the way you put your hands in my hair when you're turned on. I LOVE that. Sometimes you pull on my hair when you want me to hurry up, and that little bit of pain is SO erotic. I'm so used to having your fingers in my hair, sometimes when I'm just sitting I'll curl my hair through my own fingers. It's calming, and it's amazingly sexy when you do it._

_Next I would talk about your mouth. Kissing you is a constant reminder of why I love you. Next to your eyes, your mouth is the most expressive thing on you. Sometimes it's forceful, when you want me to fuck you hard, and sometimes your tongue just barely touches mine, when you want to give in and want me to treat you like a god. Which I always do, because you're my tenshi, and because I love it when you feel good. I can feel it when I please you, and it makes me feel so good too, all the way from the inside out._

_Then I would have to start being an actual guy and bring up your body. Because you have amazing hips. They're perfect. The way they fit into my palms so well, and your skin on your hips is softer than any other part of you, except your lips. When you wear slim, low-cut jeans - and I really wish you would do that more often - it's like your smooth, toned stomach beckons whoever sees it to follow it down to your hips. And then, of course, your hips beckon to an even better part of you._

_When I realised I was attracted to you, it was really strange, because I always thought I was straight. For some reason I assumed I would have to be the one getting fucked if I was gay, and then there was the feeling that it would probably be really awkward to touch another man's penis. But the first time I saw you naked - REALLY saw you, beause it took me a few times to be able to pause and look you over - it wasn't awkward at all. It was awkward because it wasn't awkward. You're beautiful, Yoshiki, as I say so often. Everything about your body leads to something else, even more beautiful or at least perfectly matched with the last thing. But when everything comes together, closes, leads down to your wonderful, hard, wet cock and your tight, smooth ass, it's like the world crashes to a halt and my entire universe is focussed on you and your body. You radiate lust and sex and it always makes me so hard, makes me want you RIGHT NOW when I see you completely naked and exposed._

_Oh fuck. You went and turned me on. Stop making your image float up in my mind like that, you diabolical bastard. At least no one's on the bus-_

"Yoshiki?"

Yoshiki screamed and slammed the book shut, then sat on it for good measure. Kaoru stood mere feet away from him, eyeing him somewhat coldly. He gazed up at him, trying for demure but ending up with deer-in-the-headlights. Self-consciously, he sucked his lower lip into his mouth and chewed on it fiercely. Kaoru quirked an eyebrow.

"What's that?" he asked, and pointed to Yoshiki's hand, which was still on the book under him. Yoshiki practically cringed. Withdrawing the book, he immediately began to stumble over apologies.

"Kao-ai, I'm so sorry...it was just sitting there, and there was no one here, so I-"

"No, not that," Kaoru said. Yoshiki stopped and looked up at him. "_That_." Suddenly Yoshiki's eyes went huge, and he could swear he blushed from head to toe. But all the embarassment didn't do a thing for his semi-hard cock. As his gaze faltered, Kaoru smirked, and gently took the book from his hand.

"Which page were you reading?" he asked offhandedly, rifling through the pages while shooting Yoshiki the occasional mischievous glance. Yoshiki continued to chew on his lip.

"The...most recent one," he said quietly. Kaoru's mischievous attitude withered.

"Oh," he responded after a long moment. They shared an awkward silence, and then something ocurred to Yoshiki.

"Mm...Kaoru...?" he said. Kaoru made a small noise, and Yoshiki looked up at him. Suddenly the younger man was tackled, and pinned to the ground. "You shouldn't be so afraid..." he said quietly, staring directly into Kaoru's wide eyes. "You never know if you don't try..." Slowly, he pressed their lips together in a long, deep kiss that took Kaoru's breath away. The instant he broke the kiss he went for Kaoru's neck, kissing and licking his way down to the man's shoulder. Kaoru was practically panting, partially from shock and partially from arousal. His hands found their way to Yoshiki's hips and caressed them, making the older man smile and moan softly. Yoshiki brought his mouth to Kaoru's ear and took his earlobe in his teeth, pulling gently, and then licked the shell of Kaoru's ear. "Now I know what's sexy about me," he whispered, and pressed a kiss against the small, soft spot behind Kaoru's ear. He moaned. "Don't you want to know what's sexy about _you_?"

OH! WHAT! *does a dance* I can get two prompts done with this, and I have to stop for now, so I'm going to finish this later :) haha! XD


	7. Dear Diary pt2

Kaoru's first thought when Yoshiki tackled him was _What's the shortest possible time it would take Toshiya to get changed and back to the bus?_ The older man's ministrations drove that thought out of his mind for only a moment, before he had to reluctantly push him away. As he pressed gently against Yoshiki's chest, he pouted down at him.

"No?" he asked, a note of real disappointment in his voice. Kaoru was gasping for breath, and forced his brain to allow his mouth to form coherent sentences.

"The others...are right behind me," he managed. Yoshiki glanced up at the half-open door and bit his lip. After a moment he smirked down at Kaoru, and placed a finger against his lips.

"I'll be right back," he whispered, and jumped up. Swiftly, he closed and locked the door, and practically jumped back onto Kaoru before he could even think about sitting up. The instant he was back in place his mouth returned to Kaoru's ear, and he trailed soft kisses across his jawbone. Yoshiki sat back slowly, straddling Kaoru _just so_ that his ass barely touched the man's rapidly growing arousal, making him bite back a moan. He gazed down at Kaoru, his eyes trailing all the way down him from his hair to his waist, inspecting him. It made Kaoru feel more exposed than if he had been naked underneath the man, and gave him chills that travelled slowly from his tailbone to his neck. He fidgeted, and Yoshiki smiled. "Where should I start?" he asked softly. Licking his lips slowly, he leaned back down onto Kaoru in one lithe movement, pressing their bodies together. His eyelids fluttered closed for just a moment, before he glanced back up at Kaoru mischievously. "How about from the top?"

Yoshiki's next move caught Kaoru so off guard that he practically screamed. Without warning, he slid his hands underneath Kaoru's shirt and went immediately for his hard nipples. Kaoru's back arched into his touch, and he scratched his nails gently against the man's hot skin. Slowly, he pressed his palms against his chest and began to draw them down. Inch by inch they crawled down his torso, giving him goosebumps that followed the man's touch. His eyes slid closed and his mouth fell open some in a silent gesture of pleasurable assent. As they made their way down, the hands separated, and trailed down his sides to his navel, where they came back together and tickled him just slightly. Kaoru moaned low in his throat, tossing his head to one side. Slowly, carefully, Yoshiki pushed up Kaoru's shirt and leaned down to lave his tongue across the skin just above the top of his jeans.

"_Ah_, Yoshiki..." Kaoru whispered, feeling his body begin to tremble. Yoshiki smiled a little, reminded of the journal. He pressed his lips against the skin just below his navel in a soft kiss.

"Is this what you meant by _electricity_, Kaoru?" he breathed. Kaoru made a soft mewling sound, feeling more goosebumps rise under the stimulation of Yoshiki's breath. It was a sound more characteristic of the older man, and he smiled as he pressed his lips against that spot again. Kaoru's hands balled into fists and he dug his nails into his palms, trying to fight the overwhelming sensations Yoshiki was already causing. Every other time it would have bothered him that he wasn't in control, but today it just seemed _right_. Yoshiki's hands drifted back up to his chest, taking his shirt with them, and he pulled Kaoru's shirt off and lay back against him. His mouth found its way to the man's throat, and he sucked gently on his adam's apple. The vibrations of his groan tickled Yoshiki's lips, and he pressed his tongue lightly to the skin there, tasting sweat, aftershave, and _Kaoru_. Kaoru's hands suddenly found the will to move again, and settled themselves in the crook of Yoshiki's back. As Yoshiki traced his tongue down, Kaoru's hands followed in their own postion, coming to rest on the man's thighs as Yoshiki made his way to a nipple. Moaning softly, Yoshiki pressed himself down against his lover and rocked their hips together, his hand coming up to tangle in the man's hair.

"_God,_ Yoshiki, I thought you-" Kaoru was cut off as a finger came to rest across his lips. Yoshiki lifted his head to look into his eyes, smiling.

"I'm getting there," he said, and pulled himself up to kiss him, rubbing their bodies together as he did so. They both moaned into the kiss, swallowing the sounds and pressing together even more. It was Yoshiki's turn to gasp for breath when the kiss was broken. His hands came back down to Kaoru's chest, while his mouth remained against his gently. "Your _chest_," he said, accentuating the phrase by digging his nails into the mentioned area. Kaoru threw his head back, hitting it against the floor a little. Taking advantage of the exposed skin, Yoshiki brought his mouth to his neck and bit down gently. Kaoru responded by gripping his thighs tighter, his nails sinking into them slightly through the denim of the man's slim, low-cut jeans. "_Nngh_ - stop that! I'm trying to talk..." Yoshiki complained, moving down a little, away from his neck. "I love the muscles in your chest, they're so toned..." he breathed as he moved down to lick the skin again. His tongue trailed over a nipple, and Kaoru groaned softly and moved against him more. He bit down on it, making Kaoru moan out loud, and then licked over it as if to apologise.

"What else...?" Kaoru gasped, licking his dry lips fleetingly. Yoshiki laughed darkly against his skin, and slid himself down to sit between Kaoru's legs. _Oh god,_ Kaoru thought, _He's not going to do that _already_...?_ Yoshiki's fingers trailed gently against the hem of his pants, and Kaoru felt himself start to tremble again. He squeezed his eyes shut, preparing for the onslaught of sensation, but found himself once again startled. "FUCK!" he screamed, and bucked his hips against the sensation as Yoshiki bit harshly into the skin just below his navel. That was one of his _spots_...and he didn't think Yoshiki knew! _Stupid_... Yoshiki latched onto his skin and pulled, making Kaoru writhe. "_Ah_, fucking _**hell**_! _Yoshiki~_!" he practically screamed, his hands clawing vainly at the hard floor underneath him. Yoshiki let go of the skin and began to lave his tongue over it, making Kaoru hiss and toss his head frantically from side to side. As he continued to torture the skin there, his hands settled themselves on Kaoru's hips and began to slide down slowly, massaging as they went. If he'd been standing, Kaoru would have fallen as Yoshiki brought his hands to the inside of his thighs and latched onto him. This time, Kaoru did scream. Yoshiki left his navel to sit back a little, hissing in pleasure as his ran his fingernails over his inner thighs, his expression turning into one of vicious, carnal satisfaction.

"Do I even have to say it?" he practically whined, his expression changing a little as he looked back up at Kaoru, who was staring down at him needily. His nails continued trailing downward, then got to his knees and turned to come back up. Kaoru let his head fall back and closed his eyes again as the fingers trailed upward, but was disappointed when they stopped far away from the place he wanted them the most. He whined, feeling even more the tightness of his pants as his erection strained against them. There was a soft rustling sound, and then the button on his jeans was popped, followed quickly by a short, satisfied, _zzzzip!_ Kaoru's breathing became laboured, and he shivered as Yoshiki shimmied his pants off his hips and the cold air connected with his hot skin and even hotter manhood. Yoshiki made a sound of approval low in his throat, and then paused for a moment. This time Kaoru distinctly heard the crumple of Yoshiki's jeans as he slid out of them, and turned back to see the thing he'd been wishing for since the previous day. Yoshiki was between his legs still, sitting back on his heels, and he raised his arms above his head, stretching his back and exposing himself completely. A wave of lust washed over Kaoru as he watched his lover, and he sat up and reached out to him. But Yoshiki reacted quickly, pressing against his chest and crawling on top of him.

"Dame, dame, Kaoru..." he scolded, his voice dripping with lust. Kaoru shivered. Yoshiki straddled him once more, and sat back and began to rub his ass rhythmically against Kaoru's hardness, supporting himself against Kaoru's chest. His own arousal was already red and swollen, and dripping with pre-cum, and Kaoru brought his hand down to him and began rubbing the liquid over the head, slipping his finger gently in and out of the slit there.

"_Ahnn...__**Kaoru~**_!" Yoshiki moaned, moving his hips to meet Kaoru's hand, his eyes fluttering shut and his tongue flicking across his lips vainly. "I want you inside me..." he breathed. "_**Mmm**_...don't tease me, goddamnit!" Yoshiki slid back a little, effectively catching Kaoru's cock in the cleft of his buttocks, and Kaoru gasped. Yoshiki moaned longingly and gestured toward his pants, which were at the moment closest to Kaoru's shoulder. "Get in my pocket...there's some lube," he managed, then bit his lip and tried his best to keep still. He was so aroused that any little movement threatened to send him over the edge. Kaoru reached over swiftly and dug in the pocket of Yoshiki's pants until he found his prize, then handed it to him. But Yoshiki pressed his hand back, shaking his head. "You do it," he gasped, and lay back down a little, longing for more skin-on-skin contact. Kaoru bit back a groan and worked above Yoshiki, opening the small bottle and coating his fingers with its contents. With Yoshiki still on top of him, he brought his hand down and circled his entrance with a finger. Yoshiki's nails dug into his shoulders, and he moaned loudly. "**Stop it**!" he insisted, and pressed eagerly against the finger. Unable to resist, Kaoru pushed the first finger in and followed it almost immediately with a second.

"_**Aahh! KAORU~~!" **_Yoshiki screamed, rocking himself down against his lover's hand. "I-I want..._more_..." he insisted. "**Fuck** this!" With Kaoru's fingers still inside him, he reached for the lube and spread some on his palm, then abruptly sat up. The action caused Kaoru to brush against his prostate, and he arched his back, moaning. Recovering quickly, he reluctantly slid himself off Kaoru's fingers and moved back a little, coating Kaoru's erection thickly and messily. Kaoru watched, biting his lips and trying to resist bucking his hips into the man's hands. Once finished, Yoshiki climbed back onto Kaoru and pressed them together again. His lips caught Kaoru's in a searing, lust-filled kiss, and he pulled back sloppily. "Let me ride you, Kao-ai," Yoshiki whimpered, and Kaoru groaned, nodding enthusiastically. With a satisfied sigh, Yoshiki pushed himself back up and positioned himself over Kaoru's cock. Kaoru was about to help him when he felt his head slide into the tight ring of muscle, and Yoshiki moaned loudly. It took all his will not to push up into the man, and he let him slide down slowly, balancing himself on Kaoru's chest. Their eyes met, and Yoshiki's face was a mask of pleasure and lust, his eyes half-lidded, his brow knitted, and his mouth hanging open. Kaoru groaned as he felt the man slide onto him inch by inch. He felt everything, and although Yoshiki wasn't nearly as tight as he had been at the start of their relationship it always felt _amazing_. Being eveloped in the warm, slick insides of the man he loved overwhelmed Kaoru's senses, and he fought to keep his eyes locked on Yoshiki's, his hands hovering by his hips, waiting so impatiently. When Yoshiki was seated to the hilt he threw his head back and closed his eyes tight, giving himself a moment to adjust. Kaoru's trembling hands settled themselves on his hips, and after a moment he nodded just slightly and pushed himself up. When he felt Kaoru barely inside of him he slid back down, impaling himself quickly. Both men moaned in tandem.

"**Fuck me!**" Yoshiki screamed suddenly, and Kaoru complied as best he could. Yoshiki rocked harshly against him as he thrust up inside of his lover, completely lost in the sensation of being enveloped.

"_**Nngh**_...Yoshiki, _yes..._!" he groaned, and Yoshiki moaned in response.

"_**Kaoru~~!**_" he moaned, and leaned more onto him. "_F-faster! __**Mo~re**_...!" Completely lost, Kaoru began to pound into him, groaning in time with his thrusts. Yoshiki balanced himself on one hand and brought the other down to his own throbbing cock, grabbing onto himself and pumping roughly in erratic time with Kaoru's thrusts. He tried to hold back, but in moments was screaming and moving shakily back against Kaoru and into his own hand as he came hard across his hand and Kaoru's chest. Exhausted, he pressed his hands back against Kaoru and tried to keep up with him. "Come for me..." he insisted, and coupled with the still-spasming muscles around him that did it for Kaoru.

"_**YOSHIKI~~~!**_" he screamed, throwing his head back as he came deep inside his lover. Spent, Yoshiki collapsed on top of Kaoru, and Kaoru brought his arms around him possessively. Carefully, Kaoru moved to pull out of him, and Yoshiki merely settled more comfortably against him, nuzzling his face into the crook of his neck. Kaoru's eyes fluttered closed, and as they regained proper breathing he let himself relax into sleep.

"Damn..." Yoshiki muttered against his neck as he drifted off. "I forgot your fucking shoulders..."

Four minutes later, Kyo moved forward and pushed Die aside to get to the door and take over banging on it.

"Kaoru, you fucking whore! Open this door!" Toshiya was practically wringing his hands a few feet away.

"Ooh, he's gonna kill him..." Die stuck his hands in his pockets and eyed Kyo for a moment as he started to pull on the handle.

"You're never going to get in. It's locked, and he's got the key." Kyo turned to him and shot him a glare. Suddenly, everyone turned to Shinya, who had been leaning against one of the wheels of the bus the whole time, casually cleaning his nails. He turned to them when he felt their eyes on him, and stared back.

"What?"

"What do you know, you fucker?" Kyo asked. Shinya looked at him for a moment before shrugging.

"Nothing. Just don't feel the need to be on the bus right now." They all gave him skeptical looks, but he just stared back, his eyes full of honesty, until Kyo resumed his previous banging and everyone looked away. Indiscreetly, he sent his gaze out to the nearby street to watch as a sleek black vehicle passed slowly by for what must have been the fiftieth time, and smiled to himself. _Oh, yeah, definitely Yoshiki's car..._


	8. For The Longest Time

For those who knew Kaoru and Yoshiki, knew of their relationsip, it was easy to imagine them together from the beginning of time. The perfect couple, happy and worry-free. Kaoru always at Yoshiki's side, whispering things that made him smile no matter what he was doing, Yoshiki scolding his younger lover as if he were the man's mother, earning only a sheepish grin in response. But the truth of the matter was much, much darker. The few people who did know of them knew very little, only one having any idea of what they had to go through to get there.

Heath sat back in his chair and smiled a little, his eyes softening under his sunglasses as he watched the couple whispering to each other a few tables away. This was the kind of dark, loud place they could get lost in, perfect for them these days. He took another drink, only to realise there was nothing left in his glass, and sighed softly, setting the cup back down. Kaoru scooted a bit closer to his friend, and must have said something to him, because Yoshiki hit him scoldingly on his arm, making him laugh. Heath laughed too, quietly. They had no idea he was watching them, although Yoshiki knew he liked the place almost as much as they did. It made him feel good, to watch them together, to remember just what it meant that they were together. All that Kaoru had done for Yoshiki, and how hard they'd worked to get where they were. He didn't know all of the story, just the bits and pieces he was there for, but it struck a chord in him no less. Just thinking how Kaoru had saved Yoshiki's life...how many times...?

_Ring_

...

_Ring_

...

_Ring_

"God, Yoshiki, please pick up..."

_Ring_

...

_Beep_

_You have reached-_

Kaoru cut the line before he could hear the dreaded message again, and after waiting a few seconds hit the redial button on his cell phone. Nervously, he ran his hand through his hair and sighed, leaning back to wait for the next few rings. After a few seconds of waiting, there was still nothing, and Kaoru's brow furrowed just a bit. Then suddenly

_Beep_

A low sound meaning the line was busy. Confused, Kaoru took the phone from his ear and looked at it. It had hung up his call for him, and dancing across his screen was Yoshiki's contact information. It took him a second to realise what was going on, but as he did he hurriedly switched lines.

"Moshi-moshi?" he answered breathlessly. He heard a tired sigh on the other line.

"Kaoru, would you stop calling me? I already told you I was going to bed..." Across the ocean, Yoshiki sighed again, and Kaoru closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself.

"You never said that," he said quietly after a moment.

"What?" His answer was clipped, angry. Kaoru took a slow breath, and then repeated himself louder.

"You never said that, Yoshiki." Silence, and then the sudden _click_ of the line being cut. Frustrated, Kaoru ended his own side and hit the redial button again. He sat there as it rang once, twice, tapping his foot nervously against the leg of his coffee table. Then suddenly

"Damn it, Kaoru, I told you to stop calling!" Kaoru sat up instantly, his temper flaring.

"I won't stop calling until you talk to me!" he screamed back, regretting himself even as the words left his lips. Another long silence ensued, and Kaoru sighed softly. "I'm sorry," he whispered, shaking his head and letting it fall into his hand. "I just can't let you do this to yourself."

"What does it matter to you?" Yoshiki asked softly, his voice acidy and cracking. "What the fuck do you care?"

"Oh, come on, what is that supposed to mean, huh?" Kaoru asked, his patience wearing thin, as this was the third time they'd had this exchange. "We both know I do, and nothing _you_ do or say is going to change that. Do you understand?" With another sigh, Kaoru sat back and crossed his arms as best he could with a phone in one hand. "Look, don't hang up the phone this time, 'cause I'm not going to say this again. I don't care how hard you push, how much you try to make me go away, I am not going _anywhere_. We both know how much this means to us, and we both know how stubborn we are. I will kick your _ass_ if I have to - I swear to god, Yoshiki, I will fly all the way across the fucking Pacific Ocean and come kick your ass if it means you'll stop doing this to yourself, okay? I get so tired of having to call you every single day just to make sure you haven't-" his voice broke a little, but he was too determined to stop now, "haven't _killed_ yourself, or run off somewhere, or done something totally stupid just because you're too afraid...too afraid to be _happy_, Yoshiki..." His voice fell as he finished his rant, and he sat forward, cradling his forehead wearily. "Do you know how much it hurts..." he asked softly, "to worry about you like I do? To think every single day, 'what if...? What if he's not there tomorrow...?'"

"'_What if_?'" Yoshiki asked, then scoffed. "You have no _idea_ how close we all are to death. I could die in a car accident, for all you know!"

"That's not the point!" Kaoru cried, stifling a sob. "That's not the point..."

"Then what _is_ the point?" Yoshiki asked after a pause. Kaoru shook his head, gulping down his own sorrow and frustration.

"The point is...I love you," he breathed, weakly, unable to hold back the following sob. "Please, _please_, just remember that..." Kaoru sighed and wiped his eyes, silencing the sobs that threatened to rack his body. Yoshiki didn't respond for a very long time, so long that Kaoru began to worry he'd hung up the phone.

"I will," he whispered finally, and then the line was cut. Dropping the phone, Kaoru gave in to the sobs, curling in on himself on the couch. How many times was he going to have to do this...? How many times _could_ he do it, before he, too, turned into a festering pot of emotion? How many more tears did he have left before he followed Yoshiki into the darkness, became cold to sorrow and a stranger to hate? How much longer would he have to fight for both their lives...?

Kyo remembered it, too, though in a much different light. He never really knew what caused it, he just remembers watching it happen. Kaoru sleeping at their studio, or coming in late when they'd managed to drag him home for the night. Always looking like shit; forgetting to shave - which was horribly unbecoming of a bishounen, moving with a listlessness that betrayed lack of sleep, speaking softer and without the command his band had come to expect of him. But his eyes are what Kyo really remembers. They were like his own; dark when smiling, pensive when quiet, and with a hint of personal hate that made him look _so_ sad. He felt sorry for him, and hated whatever it was that made him that way. He knew it wasn't just something Kaoru was putting himself through; he was too smart for that. But he was so quiet...Kyo did what he could; he hated along with him, felt for him, hurt with him.

It was when he played that Kyo heard his hurt come out, as he would never admit to it, and they never bugged him about it. It wasn't certain whether anyone but he and Shinya noticed - nothing slipped past their ever-watching drummer. When he played, however, it was somehow more soulful. Like every note was an escape, every chord he played a cry that he himself couldn't make. He was so hidden within himself that he could only make the guitar speak, make it scream for him; speak his frustration that he wanted to give up, give in, but was too afraid to.

And it was that very guitar that brought it home for Yoshiki, as well. Kaoru had stayed late at the studio, refusing to leave, saying he just _had_ to finish this song up or it would drive him crazy and he wouldn't be able to go to sleep, anyway. After awhile they let him be, drifting away like the ghosts he felt they all were. Kyo lingered for a bit, pretending to gather his own equipment up, but after finding himself unable to think of an intelligent way to bring up Kaoru's current state trailed after the others. So Kaoru was left alone with his thoughts and his music, sitting with a guitar in his lap, tabbing here and there, trying so hard to forget everything that hurt. He stayed that way for hours, the sun setting out the windows and giving way to the overhead lights that gave him a headache. But he didn't mind. He had a guitar, and that was excuse enough to stay exactly where he was.

Yoshiki stood in the doorway for a long time before he made any move to announce his presence. He watched Kaoru play, slowly and obliviously, every once in a great while stopping to wipe his eyes before they could betray his feelings. He watched the man's small hands move gracefully, powerfully up and down the neck of his guitar and across its strings, speaking to it, speaking _with_ it. After playing the same part over for about half an hour, he moved aside the tablature in front of him and pulled over another. This one was slower, and after a moment of scanning the page as he played along, his eyes closed. He leaned back in the chair and hummed very softly with the music, and as he reached the guitar solo a single tear escaped the corner of his eye. Instantly the playing stopped, and he sat forward and banished all traces of sorrow from his face. After a long hesitation, he sat back and eyed the page once more for where he'd left off. But as he was getting ready to change a couple of chords, he heard the shuffle of someone walking into the room and looked up, startled. Yoshiki laughed a little.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he said quietly. Kaoru didn't respond, merely watched him with wide eyes, unmoving, the pencil still poised above his tabs. Yoshiki shifted a little, uncomfortable in the silence, making his trenchcoat swish open to reveal the bottom half of a very visual-kei outfit. Kaoru blinked a little, and finally found the will to sit back and set the pencil down. He shook his head.

"No, no, I just...wasn't expecting you," he answered, organising the things in front of him a bit before taking his guitar off. Yoshiki watched him as he set the instrument in its stand and turned to face him. They stood there for awhile, neither of them moving or speaking, before Kaoru gesticulated to the small, dilapidated couch.

"Please," he offered quietly, "sit. Can I make you something? I think we have some tea..." He bustled off, and Yoshiki eyed the couch for a moment before sitting. "Oh, there's some beer in here..." Kaoru called from the other room. Yoshiki fiddled with his fingers, and shook his head when Kaoru walked back in for an answer.

"No, thank you, I'm fine," he said finally, and Kaoru nodded sharply, thinking better suddenly of going and getting a _lot_ of beer for himself. He leaned against the wall, also deciding against coming to sit with Yoshiki, as he didn't know if he could stand being that close to the man. Not yet.

It had been months since they'd seen each other, and it felt like that long since Kaoru had so much as heard the man's voice. The last time he'd tried to call, Yoshiki had been busy, just like the four times before that, and Kaoru had fairly well given up getting hold of him. If he was in the middle of something, some musical project or the like, it would be next to impossible to get his attention away from it for more than a moment. And though Kaoru would have settled for an instant, he'd let the matter drop, figuring Yoshiki knew he wanted to get in touch with him and would do so in his own time. He hadn't expected a direct encounter, however, and had _definitely_ not been expecting the thing that sat on their threadbare couch. It was certainly Yoshiki, that was undeniable. But he was some sort of mesh of _different_ Yoshikis...which didn't even make sense in Kaoru's _head_, let alone on his _couch_. His hair was short but slightly wavy in places, meaning he hadn't bothered to style it in awhile. He wore the large sunglasses Kaoru had come to expect, and a tan trenchcoat that fell almost to the floor, its belt loose and also hanging long. But underneath all that he had dressed in patent high-heel boots, as well as a knee-length frilled skirt and some sort of shiny jacket Kaoru knew he recognised from some X function, though he couldn't put his finger on what. As he eyed him, Yoshiki sat forward and played with his hands, a nervous habit Kaoru usually found endearing but was lately coming to recognise as a bad sign. Another bad sign were his unadorned wrists, as he knew if the man was in Japan he was probably doing something that bothered his carpal tunnel. In a few seconds, Kaoru had measured the entire situation by appearance, and had quickly become extremely anxious about it. When Yoshiki spoke, it startled him, and he jumped a little.

"I'm sorry to just drop in like this," Yoshiki said quietly, then turned to him as his gasp reached his ears. He eyed the younger man for a moment, and then turned his eyes back to his own feet. "I...I had to see you..." he admitted, his voice barely making it past his lips. "I _needed_ to see you...I left early to come down here, so they'll probably be calling me soon to find out where I am..." Kaoru nodded a little, feeling a little clueless but knowing he didn't need the details; everything he did these days was pretty much on the same track, anyway. "Can I talk to you, please?" he asked after a moment, and Kaoru gazed at him in slight confusion. Weren't they already talking...? "I mean, I know I've been brushing you off for...for a long time, really, and I feel kind of guilty coming down here and asking you to listen to me when I've been turning you a deaf ear for...a long time." He looked up at Kaoru, and even though he was wearing sunglasses Kaoru knew there was pain in his eyes, knew that hurt expression with his whole being. Hesitantly, he nodded, and Yoshiki looked away again as he came to the couch slowly, taking off the sunglasses as he sat.

"I'm not mad at you," Kaoru said, and Yoshiki nodded a little.

"I know. You tell me that every time we talk. That and," he laughed softly, "'I love you.'"

"Both of which are true," Kaoru insisted. Yoshiki merely nodded again. It was so hard for Kaoru not to touch him, to at least make him look at him, or brush a bit of hair behind his ear so he could see his eyes. But there was also something in him that didn't want to, was afraid just sitting next to him. After a moment Yoshiki sighed.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "It's not something you did, it has very little to do with you at all..." His voice broke, and he cradled his head in his hands, sighing. "This really isn't something I wanted to say over the phone...it's not really something I want to say in the first place!" Kaoru watched him quietly as he shook his head, sat up, and stared away as if there was something in the distance he could see that Kaoru never would. It hurt Kaoru to be so close to him and yet so unable to help, hurt his heart and his head and his very soul. But he stayed silent, patient, waiting. "I...don't want you to hate me..." he began, weakly. Kaoru shook his head, but as Yoshiki turned to him he halted his refusal of the statement. Their eyes met, and Yoshiki stared at him silently. After a long time, his eyes fell closed, and he sighed. "It's not that I don't want to be with you...and it's not that you've done anything...it's just that...Kaoru, we have to take a break from all this for a little while," he said finally, shaking his head again and looking away, unable to meet the man's eyes, as he knew he'd find sorrow and maybe even anger there. And anything above his own would be too much. "I need some time...to work some things out with myself. And you can't help me this time. I have to do this myself. I'll miss you so much, believe me..." His eyes closed again, and Kaoru really expected him to cry for a moment. The moment passed quickly, however, as he spoke again. "But I can't live with myself, doing this to you, to _us_." Slowly, his eyes opened, and he looked back at Kaoru, blinking rapidly for a moment before focussing on him once more. There was no hurt in his eyes, no anger, no hate. Instead, there was calm. Perfect, sincere calm, as he waited patiently for the explanation he'd been expecting for so long. It was his fault for rushing into the situation, his fault for expecting too much of Yoshiki too fast, and he'd realised that mere days before, and had come to terms with it, and was now able to take this speech as if he'd been preparing for it his whole life.

"I love you, Kaoru..." he breathed, every syllable weighted with sorrow and the greatest conviction. His voice was steady now, as he gained more confidence and was less afraid of Kaoru's own reactions. "What we have is real, is innocent, is everything I want, and I don't ever want it to end. So I'm not going to screw it up playing like this, living the way I'm living now. It's almost too late to do this, and I know even if I do it will never go away, it will hardly get better and it will always be hard for us...but I have to do it. I have so much I have to do, so much to straighten out with myself and my past..." He paused for a moment, and his teeth captured his bottom lip fleetingly. Kaoru very nearly smiled. That was a nervous tic that didn't spell doom. "I'm so sorry, Kaoru..." he breathed, shaking his head a little. "I swear...I'll cry for you, too..."

After two years, Kaoru had begun to understand just why Yoshiki didn't cry. He'd always thought it was that peotic reason; that he'd cried too much, the tears were all gone. But after two whole years of solitude, of watching the man on the internet and reading about him here and there, having only his own thoughts to link him to the real thing, he started to get it. But even after ten years of being with him, he couldn't tell you in words the reason why. He merely understood it, like he'd eventually begin to understand so much about the complicated man Yoshiki really was. The reason for his 'thank you's, the meaning behind each of his smiles, the special ways he moved when he used that instead of words to convey his feelings. Most of all, though, Kaoru found himself maturing through contact with the man, coming to realise things he was fairly sure he'd never realise at all if it weren't for his presence in his life. Through the time Yoshiki spent in and out of Kaoru's company, Kaoru watched something blossom, grow speedily, and then die suddenly, in cycles, until it settled upon growing, and decided to do so at a slower pace. There certainly were a million things Yoshiki had to settle with himself and his life, and it was apparent he'd be doing so for a very, very long time. But through it all, Kaoru knew, he would follow him. Not only because he'd given his word over and over in that troublesome time period, but because he really couldn't let it happen any other way. He couldn't imagine a life without the man, his happiness _and_ his pain. It helped him grow, too, in a way he eventually realised he would never understand. Later, he would come to the conclusion that not everything needed an explanation, and a lot of things were better left unsaid.


	9. He remembered

Kaoru sighed and fell into the leather couch, lighting a cigarette and taking a long, slow drag. Practise had gone well that day, especially considering how the new song _had_ been going. Kyo shot him a glare from across the room as he lit himself a cigarette, and he waved his own at him in a salute, making him roll his eyes. Kyo coughed as he exhaled, and rubbed his throat.

"What time tomorrow?" Toshiya asked once he had his bass put away. He clasped his hands in the air over his head and stretched languidly, his eyes squinting shut for a moment, and Die shook his head.

"You're such a girl," he commented. Toshiya stuck his tongue out at him, which only made Die laugh more. Shinya backhanded Die's shoulder, which earned him a punch in his shoulder. Kaoru stood quickly before they could think to fight.

"How's one sound to everybody?" They groaned collectively, but with much less enthusiasm than they would have a few years before. As it were, they were much too used to it. "I know it's early, but we need to get as much practise in as we can, so we can be ready for the recording. So eat lunch and come down here, okay?" He was acknowledged vaguely and they took their time trickling out. Kyo approached Kaoru, his hand still at his throat self-consciously.

"You know you're a bitch, right?" he said, his voice faltering. Kaoru smiled at him and nodded a little.

"Yeah, think what you want. You need something for that?" Kyo waved his hand dismissively.

"I'll go home and drink some tea. It's nothing." Kaoru nodded again, and they stood smoking together for a moment. When Kyo finished his cigarette he stubbed it out in an ashtray on the floor. They had rented the place out to a couple of aspiring bands recently, and therefore had to come to new standards of "clean" for the place. It had taken a little getting used to, but Kyo was now regularly putting his cigarettes out in the ashtray instead of on the floor. Kaoru made a mental note to commend them all tomorrow.

"Well," Kyo said, and left it at that, raising his hand in a half-wave as he walked out of the room. Kaoru looked down at his own cigarette and stubbed it out hesitantly, falling back onto the couch. The room still seemed to echo of the heavy drum beats, power chords, and demonic screams. They had been practising there for years, and Kaoru liked to think they had made some sort of mark on the place. As if their music had seeped into the walls, and if it was quiet enough you might hear the ghosts of the Macabre days, all wild hair and painful messages. The room was silent, and his very reminiscences made the effect seem real. He remembered all the fans, all the offers, and realising they would need a more permanent place to practise. Then the ad on a billboard in the Tokyo subway, and how he missed his train because he couldn't get hold of the stupid renter. And when he finally did, the guy sold the thing to him for less than the original asking price. How perfect it had seemed, and how excited they all were. He remembered their first practises there, how enthusiastic the music was, how it seemed like the future stretched on forever and it was perfect and inescapable, and they were joined together by the music and the overwhelming passion.

He remembered the struggles, the fights, the original threats to leave by nearly every member of the band, at some point in time. But they always stayed, didn't they? And what would have happened if they didn't...

He remembered the love. The love they all shared for the music, and the love that came pouring out from the smattering of fans. They were always the most devoted, and they made Kaoru love them right back. It was the fans he indulged himself for, in the beginning, when it seemed like there was nothing to fight for anymore. He played for them, and they kept him going. He couldn't disappoint a person, even if he wanted to.

He remembered the first time he heard Yoshiki's voice. He had spent days building up the courage to call him, feeling absolutely pessimistic over it all. Sure, he was helping other bands, but what did the little visual teenagers of Dir en grey have to offer that would make him help them? They were nothings, nobodys, with little to offer and even less to give. Weren't they? Yoshiki hadn't thought so. He'd been truly amazed when he'd heard them. Kaoru remembered how relieved he was when Yoshiki said yes, and how happy they all were when he told them...it was like beginning again.

He remembered the man. How he stood when they walked into his studio, his hair falling about his face perfectly. He always had such beautiful hair; even when it was messy it looked like it was supposed to be that way. He had bowed to them all, and they had bowed lower, scared to death and so excited they could barely breathe, let alone play. He remembered how fast it had gone - it was a blur now, really. The recordings, the meetings, then more recordings, and more meetings, and more recordings, and on and on it went. But the important thing was that it happened. And when it was settled, they would celebrate together. Their idol would join them in their revelry and they thought it couldn't get better than that. In some ways, they were right. Kaoru leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths as he followed the memories. It was like falling through a rabbit hole, much the same feeling as the first time...

He remembered the kiss. They were drunk, he remembered. No, Kaoru was drunk. Yoshiki wasn't, he'd later told Kaoru so. It was at a party, one day after a recording. They were standing outside by Yoshiki's coloured rock-star pool, drinks in hand, just talking shop. That was when Kaoru had found Yoshiki looking at him. It wasn't such an odd occurrence; he was talking to the man, after all. But there was something about it this time. Something that struck Kaoru as odd.

"Did I ever tell you how much I like your hair, Kaoru?" Yoshiki asked, practically interrupting Kaoru's speech on why Kyo got so bitchy during recordings. It was the use of his name that caught his attention. That was the first time he'd dropped the honorific. "People might think it's girly of me, but I love the colour pink." Yoshiki casually took another drink, but the way he eyed the man over the top of his glass was distinctly flirtatious. The strange thing was, Kaoru actually found himself pleased with the attention. He'd never thought of himself as gay. Actually, every time it was mentioned he avidly defended his heterosexuality. But didn't Yoshiki do that, too? It all seemed so odd at the time, and sometimes still did.

"Thank you," was what he heard himself saying in return. As Yoshiki took the glass from his lips his eyes closed a little, and Kaoru found himself suddenly fixated upon his manager. He blinked up at him, and the image that night was the image that Kaoru would always remember as distinctly _Yoshiki_. A wisp of his trademark mischievous smile caressing his lips, his eyes shaded just enough to be fatally attractive, his hand placed casually in one pocket and his hip jutted out just slightly, just enough to cause the illusion of curves. It was like a bomb hit him right there, and for a long time he didn't know what had happened. As drunk as he was, it hadn't been very conscious, and had slipped away before his brain could acknowledge it. But then Yoshiki was coming closer, he was inches away, and Kaoru didn't pull back, didn't resist as soft warm lips barely pressed against his. It was like a whisper, a lovely, teasing promise of so much more in the future. And then it was gone, and Yoshiki's drink was at his mouth again, and he was almost a foot away. They were at a party, after all, and something like their manager kissing their guitarist wouldn't go unnoticed by the band for long. But it was so surreal Kaoru had been unsure that it had happened at all, except that Yoshiki was still looking at him over the top of his glass, and the expression had changed a little. It was softer, less playful and more meaningful. That was a look Kaoru would get very used to seeing over the next few years.

He had stood there like an idiot, staring at Yoshiki, waiting for something to happen. For him to laugh at him, tell him he was teasing, or at the very least kiss him again. Because he hadn't disliked it. No, it was actually very pleasant. It had created a coldness in the pit of his stomach, like regret but much deeper and less painful. A few moments passed in silence, until a very drunk Die bounded outside and jumped Kaoru.

"What are you doing out here, stupid?" he asked, but his speech was slightly slurred so that Kaoru could barely understand him, in his own inebriated state. He threw Die off him clumsily, and the red-haired man laughed, stumbling and very nearly falling into the pool. Yoshiki had started the instant Die had hit the ground, and rolled his eyes and sighed in an expression of extreme relief and frustration as he caught himself. Instantly he ushered both Kaoru and Die back into the house.

"Come on, you two, you're too drunk to be out by the pool," he said, and closed the door behind them for good measure. Die made a sound between a whine and a snigger.

"What's wrong with the pool, Yoshiki-san?" he asked, falling into a chair.

"I once nearly drowned in a pool," Yoshiki said quietly, his voice tinted with indignation, though he knew Die wasn't listening. Kaoru heard him, however.

"Hontou?" he asked, incredulously. Yoshiki turned to him, and it took him a moment to understand what he was asking about. When he caught up, he nodded.

"Yes. With Hide." He downed the rest of his drink, then walked to the middle of the room and addressed them. "Alright, you all. It's getting late, and none of you are sober enough to drive yourselves back to your hotels, so I'm going to call some cabs for you. Don't do anything stupid, I'll be right back." He strode out of the room, leaving the five of them in a slightly awkward silence, punctuated only by the music in the background.

"Well, that's a night," Kyo said after a while, and spread himself across Yoshiki's couch to sleep. Die made a sound of acknowledgement and slumped in his own chair. Toshiya, who had made a sour face and stopped dancing when Yoshiki came in, sat daintily at Kyo's feet and continued drinking. Kaoru looked around at them all, in various states of exhaustion, ending up at Shinya, who turned his eyes away from the man quickly. His chair was the only one facing the door, and he seemed a little tetchy. In a moment of drunken intelligence, Kaoru hoped Shinya would remind him of what had happened the next morning.

As they were waiting for the cabs, Yoshiki wandered back into the kitchen, and on a whim Kaoru decided to follow him. The older man was pouring himself a glass of wine, and didn't look up when Kaoru walked in. He stood a few feet away from Yoshiki, watching him work, then caught his eye as he picked up the glass and turned to leave. They were silent for a moment, just looking at each other, and a certain small fear had entered Yoshiki's eyes. Kaoru was the first to speak.

"Why-"

"I'm sorry," Yoshiki said instantly, dropping his gaze. It fell onto the wine in his glass, and he stared fixedly at it. There was another long silence, and then Kaoru took a step, and Yoshiki closed his eyes, ashamed. But instead of leaving, Kaoru stepped forward, and lifting the man's head kissed him tentatively. He felt Yoshiki melt almost instantly, kissing back carefully, and the impression he got from the kiss was an enthusiastic "thank god". He placed the glass of wine on the counter and brought his hand up hesitantly, threading his fingers through Kaoru's hair. They had been so timid in the beginning, so unsure, but perfectly willing. Kaoru smiled to himself, marvelling for the millionth time that he hadn't forgotten a single detail. How when Yoshiki's hand slipped into his hair he felt chills all through his body, and an overwhelming desire to stay that way forever. His own hands reached instinctively for the man's waist, and they held each other for a long moment, just savouring the feel of the closeness. Then suddenly Yoshiki broke the kiss, leaning back against the counter as if he were wind-swept. He blinked a few times, and Kaoru watched him, feeling a deep sort of desire creep up his spine. It had never occurred to him that his manager was so beautiful...

Yoshiki bit his bottom lip, which Kaoru found fetchingly cute, and then laughed softly at himself for the action. He looked around slowly, as if thinking of something to say, maybe an apology, and Kaoru just stood there, staring at him and wondering at all the strange feelings he was being bombarded with. He felt like his mind would explode, but there was only one thing on it. Then Yoshiki took a deep, slow breath.

"Kaoru..." He started strong, but faltered, sighing out excess breath and closing his eyes for a moment. Once composed, he looked up at Kaoru, and his eyes were watery. "You're drunk," he said softly, his voice heavy with sorrow, and he smiled a little at him as if it were some cruel joke. "You won't even remember this in the morning. Now go on, your cab will be here soon." Kaoru had lingered only a moment before turning and walking awkwardly away.

Later, Yoshiki would tell him the reason he'd sent him away: he didn't think something that made him feel so loved could be real. He'd thought it was only the drink, the combination of Kaoru's drunkenness and his own, and it scared him. It always frightened Yoshiki when he got attached to something. Loss does that to a person.

But he had been wrong. Kaoru remembered everything the next morning, and hadn't forgotten it since. It was true he hadn't remembered at first, but the look Shinya gave him when he walked out into the lobby, the same look he had seen the night before, brought back everything crystal-clear. They stayed away from each other after that, only talking when it was for work and never sitting by each other at functions and parties, careful never to be alone together. It took Kaoru two and half months to realise he was making a mistake. He was on a plane back to Japan, they were going to have their first big tour, and he had so much to bother his mind during that flight. But for some reason the thoughts kept going back to Yoshiki. He couldn't get the memory out of his head, and it had been plaguing him off and on the entire time. The pleasant feel of Yoshiki's lips barely yielding against his, the almost sensual chills Yoshiki's hand in his hair gave him, and how perfect he had seemed right up against him. And that was when he felt the aftershock. He had sat up abruptly, gaping, and Toshiya, who was sitting next to him, nudged him and asked him if he was alright. He turned to look at Toshiya, and saw across the aisle Shinya was watching him. He blinked at Shinya, asking him in his mind for help, unable to form the words because he was in such shock. As if reading his mind, Shinya gave him a small, reassuring smile, that seemed to say "I knew you'd get it eventually."

For all the strength of his revelation, Kaoru didn't know what he would say to the man, so postponed calling him. It took another few months before the nagging feelings and subliminal commands gnawned through his uncertainty, and by that time Yoshiki was back in Japan, working on god-knows-what. Kaoru had finally decided he was going to call the man, and was leaving a club to do that very thing, when he ran straight into someone, sending them both stumbling. They each apologised all over themselves, and the other man's companion asked him concernedly if he was okay while helping him up. Kaoru sat on the ground for a moment; shaken abruptly from his thoughts he was somewhat stunned.

"Daijoubu?" the man asked, and Kaoru started, his gaze shooting up toward the voice. He was bent over slightly, one hand on his knee, and his hair was falling into his face slightly, framing his sunglasses, which he was wearing despite the waning light. Kaoru had to wonder for a moment if he had gotten a concussion, or if the thing in front of him was an illusion brought on by lack of sleep (which seemed to be an increasing problem), but the presence of a concerned and slightly miffed Heath confirmed it.

"Yoshiki?" Kaoru asked softly. The older man clicked his tongue and took Kaoru's arm, helping him up.

"Don't just sit there like an idiot," he scolded, shaking his head with a small smile. "Haven't changed, have you?" Kaoru could only stare, shaking his head minutely. Where had all his courage gone? He had been so determined, and now the very presence of the man he was so recently obsessed with made him falter completely. Yoshiki sighed and turned to Heath. "I think he's drunk," he said quietly. "Do you mind if I take him home?"

"Sure. Go sleep, then, too. I'll see you tomorrow." Yoshiki began to protest, but Heath gave him a little look, and he yielded and waved half-heartedly, turning back to Kaoru as Heath walked into the club.

"All right, you, what's wrong?" he asked abruptly, suddenly making it plain he knew the man wasn't drunk this time. Kaoru's gaze shifted a little, awkwardly.

"I need to talk to you," he said finally, looking back at Yoshiki definitively. How he'd wished the man wasn't wearing sunglasses. That would have made everything so much easier. Yoshiki nodded slowly after a moment, distant.

They went to Kaoru's house, and Yoshiki seated himself on the couch as Kaoru put some water on to boil for tea. It gave him an excuse to hesitate, and he pondered making pot-moving noises with the ones hanging from the walls until the tea was ready. But that was stupid, and he decided he was being childish. He had gotten the man here, which was a million times better than talking to him across the phone, and though it made things much more difficult there it was. It was like fate was testing him by throwing large, painful rocks at him until he stopped dodging and learned to catch them and throw them back. He stepped into the main part of the apaato and watched Yoshiki fiddle with his bracelet. The man had smoked on the way over, and Kaoru envied him but thought better of lighting up at a time like this. His back was to him, and he simply stood there for a long time, thinking about all the speeches he had prepared and how none of them really fit what he wanted to say, now that the man was sitting on his couch, in his apaato... Yoshiki glanced over his shoulder, and Kaoru started toward him, not wanting to appear as if he had been staring at the man. He sat down on the opposite end of the couch, although Yoshiki was sitting almost sideways, making him hard to avoid.

"That's going to take a while," he said, gesturing toward the oven with his thumb. "My stove barely works." Yoshiki nodded but didn't say anything, playing with his bracelet still, patiently. Kaoru was suddenly so nervous he wanted to rip the thing off just to relieve some tension. After a long while he sat forward and looked into Yoshiki's eyes. The man stopped playing with his bracelet and looked back, but Kaoru sighed at him.

"Do you ever take those sunglasses off?" he asked, trying not to sound as frustrated as he felt. Yoshiki slipped them off almost apologetically, folding them and placing them neatly in his shirt pocket before turning back to Kaoru.

"Better?" he asked softly, and Kaoru nodded. "What did you want to talk about? Is something wrong with the band?" Kaoru found himself smiling a little at the irony, and shook his head again, his eyes falling.

"No, not the band. Something's wrong with me," he said, avoiding every good introductory phrase that popped into his head. Yoshiki drew his legs in some and sat forward, as well.

"You can talk to me," he said gently, and nearly rolled his eyes at how cheesy he sounded. Kaoru only nodded again, keeping his gaze down. It was now or never, and never wasn't an option.

"I...I don't really know how to say this, Yoshiki-san," he started hesitantly, but once he'd begun he found the sudden strength to continue. He sat up, looking directly at the man again. "I don't even know _what_ to say. Ever since that party..." Yoshiki's expression wavered for a moment, but Kaoru caught it as if the man had waved an emotional flag. "I didn't forget. I remember everything. And it's been bothering me, this whole time. I can't focus on work, my mind keeps slipping during practise and suddenly _I'm_ the one getting yelled at." Yoshiki fought back a smirk. He knew how that felt. "I don't even know what to think. There's just one thing I need to ask you, I've needed to ask you this whole time." He hesitated, and Yoshiki's gaze fell this time. Kaoru moved closer, tilting the man's head up carefully until their eyes met again. Yoshiki's eyes were wavering a little, and he looked back and forth between Kaoru's eyes, nervously. "Why did you kiss me, Yoshiki?" Yoshiki's eyes stopped, and they closed slowly. He took a slow breath, but Kaoru cut him off. "If you're going to say it was drunken desire, don't. I don't want to hear that, and what's more I won't believe it." Yoshiki's mouth closed, and he bit his lower lip unconsciously. After a long moment, he responded.

"I don't know, Kaoru. Why does anyone do anything? It seems right at the time..." he said, so quietly Kaoru could barely hear him.

"Then tell me this," Kaoru requested in a voice almost as low as his own. "Do you regret it?" Yoshiki blinked his eyes open, and looked directly into Kaoru's, confidently.

"No, Kaoru, I don't regret it," he said, quietly but with great conviction. "I can't tell you what made me do it then, that night, at that moment, but I can tell you if it hadn't happened then it would have happened some other time."

"Like now?" Kaoru asked, and Yoshiki blushed instantly. It hardly took Kaoru a moment to place his lips against Yoshiki's once more, but this time it wasn't the timid, awkward kiss they had shared almost a year before. This one caught Yoshiki off gaurd, in that it was gently passionate and deeply meaningful. It drew him in, and he found himself closing his eyes, pushing himself closer to Kaoru. Kaoru drew him into his arms, and they shifted a little until they were facing each other. It was an awkward position, though, and Kaoru found himself slipping. He fell back and hit his head hard against the arm of the couch, which made him break the kiss to mutter an obscenity. Yoshiki winced as he heard the thud, and then laughed a little at the awkwardness of it. Kaoru reached a hand back to rub the spot on his head, and Yoshiki's hand followed his.

"Daijoubu?" Yoshiki practically laughed. Kaoru winced at the pain as he touched the hurt spot.

"That's going to leave a bump..."

"You just keep getting yourself hurt, don't you?" Yoshiki asked, slightly concerned. He looked down at Kaoru and suddenly realised the position they were in. Kaoru looked back at him and watched a dark blush creep across his cheeks. "You...ah...we..." Yoshiki began to say, but Kaoru touched a few fingers to his lips to quiet him.

"You're very skittish, aren't you?" he asked. Yoshiki shook his head at himself.

"I'm sorry, I just..." He sighed a little, and Kaoru leaned up to press their lips together again. This time his kiss was slow and a little demanding, and as Yoshiki closed his eyes he felt Kaoru's hands dragging along his sides to rest at the small of his back. He moaned softly into the kiss and deepened it, and in response Kaoru slid his tongue gently across his lips, only suggesting. Pressing against the younger man more, he opened his mouth eagerly and sucked his tongue back erotically. Kaoru groaned and shuddered, and Yoshiki brought his hands up, one to rest on Kaoru's chest and the other to tangle in his hair. The familiar chills ran down Kaoru's spine, and he moved his tongue around Yoshiki's mouth enthusiastically, committing the man's taste to memory. His tongue dragged along Yoshiki's teeth, making the older man whimper despite himself. They broke the kiss for air, and Yoshiki sat up a little, using his hand on Kaoru's chest for leverage.

"Don't ask me why," Kaoru said, seeing the look in Yoshiki's eyes. He slipped his hands under the hem of the durmmer's shirt, making him arch his back some at the touch. Yoshiki sat up a little more and let Kaoru pull his shirt off completely, then leaned down and kissed him again, but only briefly.

"What about the tea?" he asked, slightly breathless. Kaoru shook his head and kissed him again, but he broke it stubbornly. "I don't want that water to boil over, because then you'll be upset and I'll feel obligated to clean it and-"

"Okay, I get it!" Kaoru said, and moved out from under him to sprint to the kitchen. Yoshiki took the opportunity to remove all the bothersome jewelry he was wearing, which wasn't a lot, and to move his sunglasses to a safe place. He sat cross-legged on the couch once he was finished, waiting patiently. Patient was not a word to describe Kaoru, however, as he came striding out of the kitchen and moved back onto the couch, kissing Yoshiki instantly. But Yoshiki put a hand on Kaoru's chest and pushed him back gently, making him groan a little in frustration.

"I've done this on a couch before, and it's not exactly easy," Yoshiki explained. Kaoru almost said something, but thought better of it, and instead took the older man's hand and led him into his bedroom.

"Light on or off?" he asked as Yoshiki sat down on the bed, giving the room a quick glance.

"It doesn't matter to me. You decide," he said, sitting back after his brief inspection of the place. Kaoru left the light off and came to the bed, crawling over to Yoshiki and wrapping an arm around his waist. Yoshiki leaned up and crushed his lips against Kaoru's, letting himself be laid down and straddled. Their tongues fought ravenously, twining together and slipping past each other, their breath becoming bated once more. Kaoru suddenly abandoned his lover's mouth for his neck, and began kissing slowly down from his jaw to his collarbone. Yoshiki turned his head eagerly, letting him have free reign of his skin as he wished. His kisses slowly became nips, and suddenly he sank his teeth into Yoshiki's shoulder, making him cry out. Kaoru caught himself and pulled back, starting to mutter an apology, but Yoshiki grabbed him and crushed them together again. His hands roamed across Kaoru's back and chest, then pulled impatiently at the hem of his shirt. They broke the kiss long enough for Yoshiki to rip Kaoru's shirt off and throw it across the room. Kaoru bent down and began to lick at Yoshiki's nipples, his hands drifting down to the man's hips and sliding up and down his thighs. Yoshiki made a choked groan and threw his head back, his hands going to Kaoru's hair once more. Kaoru wondered briefly why he had such a thing for hair, but it was a fleeting thought that was quickly replaced as Yoshiki yanked hard on said hair, bringing him up enough to flip him over suddenly and straddle him. Kaoru paused for a moment, surprised, and stared wide-eyed at a grinning Yoshiki. The blond ran his hands across Kaoru's chest slowly, licking his lips.

"What? You didn't think you were going to get to do all the fun stuff, did you?" Yoshiki chuckled low in his throat, drawing shudders through Kaoru that went straight for his hardening groin.

"I've...never been with a man before," Kaoru stuttered, still somewhat surprised. Yoshiki slowed his hands and quirked an eyebrow.

"Oh? I'm sorry," he said, pityingly. He leaned down and began to lave his tongue all across Kaoru's chest and down to his stomach, dipping the muscle into his navel before biting the skin right below it. Kaoru gasped and then moaned loudly, and Yoshiki sat up, dragging his hands downward slowly. "You poor thing," he said, pouting, his hands continuing their slow descent. Kaoru stared up at him hungrily. "Trust me," he said, his voice barely above a whisper but cracking like a whip, "you'll like it."

"Niikura-san?" Kaoru started, gasping loudly and gazing around him frantically for a moment. It was really amazing how those sorts of memories could draw him in...he hadn't even heard the next band come in. Kaoru crossed his legs self-consciously, hoping desperately that he hadn't been obvious but knowing he must have been. The young man looking down at him seemed worried, and his drummer shot Kaoru a wide-eyed glance. Kaoru smiled a little, thinking _All right, Shinya, you got me_.

"What time is it?" he asked the lead singer still standing before him, and the young man looked at the clock on the wall.

"Seven ten, Niikura-"

"Don't," Kaoru cut him off, stretching a little before standing. "Kaoru is fine." The rest of the band members stopped in the middle of setting up and turned to stare at their lucky lead singer. Laughing a little, Kaoru patted the shorter man's head before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up. "Sorry, guys, I'll leave you alone now." He almost expected one of them to ask him to stay, as they were all fighting not to stare and he knew they admired him and his band, but they didn't. _Seven ten_, he thought as he left. Then, after some quick math, _six thirty in the morning. Damn time zones..._ He finished his cigarette and tossed it into the distance of the parking lot, pulling out his keys. After a second thought, he pulled out his cell phone too, and when he was secured in his car flipped it open and gazed at the LCD screen. _Fuck it, he never sleeps._ Smiling, Kaoru turned on his car and pressed the speed dial, putting the phone to his ear. _What a story I have to tell you..._


	10. I Hate It

Slender fingers rapped harshly against the scratched top of a large desk covered in mess. Next to them lay a magazine littered with dark colours and flourescent Japanese writing, open to a page which the owner of the hand had found totally offensive. So offensive, in fact, that he had thrown the magazine across the room, accompanying its flight with a screech followed by a "WHAT!" and a number of Japanese expletives. The man's secretary had come in and calmed him, and had put the article back onto the desk where it lay, staring placidly up at the knitted eyebrows and pursed lips, wondering what it could have done wrong. The other hand was clutching a small, thin cell phone so hard its knuckles were white, and if the magazine could talk it would have asked the cell phone if it was feeling alright, to which the phone would have answered with a small whine and the urgent demand that the magazine call a doctor.

The ringing off the cell phone was piercing and more annoying than it shoud have been, each one grating Yoshiki's nerves a little more, until after the third one he felt like he was about to have an anneruism. The phone clicked suddenly, and as he relaxed a little the headache hit him full-force, making him wince. The man on the other end was heard to shift, and made a small waking groan.

"Moshi-"

"What is this goatee business?" Yoshiki snapped, cutting Kaoru off before he could even finish his greeting.

"Ee?" he croaked, then turning over a little in the bed to look at the clock fell onto his back wearily. "Yoshiki? It's...three thirty A.M.-"

"I know exactly what time it is there, thank you," he replied, his hand ceasing its rapping to clench into a fist against the cold desk. "And you had damn well better have a good reason, because we _talked_ about this!" His voice turned suddenly whiny at the end of his statement, and Kaoru groaned again, waking a little more and rubbing his eyes.

"Yoshiki, I really can't believe you're calling me at three in the fucking morning to tell me I can't do whatever I want with my facial hair."

"Good, we're on the same page." Kaoru broke a small smile, rolling his eyes. He yawned, long and loudly, and Yoshiki sat back roughly in his chair, pulling the magazine into his lap. The picture stared up at him, and he made a face at it. "Just..." He hesitated, wrinkling his nose at the picture. His finger fell onto the page and drifted down the curve of the man's jaw, ending at the line of facial hair. "Just tell me why. Please?" Kaoru laughed a little, and Yoshiki pursed his lips, staring still at the picture.

"Because I wanted to." Yoshiki scoffed, and Kaoru countered. "I mean it. I thought to myself one morning, 'I'd like to grow out a beard of some sort.' So I did it." There was a short silence, in which Kaoru blinked at the ceiling and almost didn't say his next statement. "And because it's more masculine." It was Yoshiki's turn to roll his eyes, and he sighed frustratedly.

"You're _not feminine_," he insisted, for the billionth time.

"Are you saying you hate it?" Kaoru asked abruptly, cutting Yoshiki off before he could continue the worn-out argument. Yoshiki's voice caught in his throat, he was so stunned at the man's outwardness. He hesitated, looking down at the picture again, and bit his lip.

"I...I think I'd have to see it in person to make that call." He nodded to himself; that was a good answer.

"But I assume you have a picture of it." Yoshiki didn't answer him, and he continued after a moment. "So what's your first impression?"

"My _first_ impression was that you were being a total hypocrite and probably trying to compensate for something," he answered honestly, turning his chair so that he faced his desk and setting the magazine down. "You're not dating a girl, are you?" Kaoru laughed out loud at that, and Yoshiki managed a small smile. "I guess...I could get used to it." His finger trailed down the picture-Kaoru's face again, carefully this time and with some thought evident behind the action. "It's just so...well, _manly_." He almost stuck his tongue out just saying it. Kaoru laughed softly again.

"You don't think I'm manly?" Yoshiki went silent. After a moment Kaoru cleared his throat, and Yoshiki shifted a little in his chair.

"I don't like to think of you that way, not really. But, now that you make me...I guess you are. In a sort of kimono-wearing, fanservising sort of..."

"Hey!" Kaoru scolded him lightly, and Yoshiki smirked. "Now who's being a hypocrite? Wasn't your hair down to your ass for ten years?" Yoshiki laughed a little.

"Something like that," he said, and laughed some more. "But I'm not the man in this, am I?" Kaoru scoffed softly.

"No, you're not-"

"'And don't forget it,'" Yoshiki finished for him, leaning against his desk casually.

"Right." Kaoru yawned again and settled a little more comfortably into his bed. "Now, I have practise tomorrow."

"Hai, of course. I'm sorry, I think I must be tired, too, if I'm overreacting this much..."

"I imagine you are. Oyasumi, tenshi."

"Oyasumi." The line was cut on Kaoru's end first, and then Yoshiki turned off his own phone and dropped it lazily onto his desk. Only then did he notice his free hand had travelled into his hair, where it had settled to play with the chopped strands. Kaoru was right, and he did miss his hair. But he definitely understood where women got off saying it was hell to take care of. With a sigh, Yoshiki turned back to the magazine and found the place where he had stopped reading. The terrible atrocity of the goatee he sent to the back of his mind, where all the other things he'd just have to get used to sat untouched together. If it had been able to speak, it would have asked its companions what on earth made it so terrible, to which at least one of them would have responded:

"Hey, new guy, you got a light?"


	11. It Should Be Illegal

_'He's beautiful. From his perfect hair to his manicured nails he picks at all the damned time to his illegally hot body, he's absolutely fucking beautiful. Just seeing him makes me want him, hearing his voice makes me forget who and where I am, and his kiss...I don't think I can even try to describe it. And he's standing right over there, pretending I don't exist._

_Okay, so I should be used to it by now. We hardly ever go out in public anymore, when we associate it's casual, and we've worked hard to make damn sure there are no pictures of us together since a long time ago. But he can't just stand there like nothing's happening. He just can't! It's not fair! When I'm sitting here like the dope of the relationship, trying hard to sit at an angle as the way he smiles and moves his hands _just so_ makes me..._

_Shit. This is totally hopeless. I'm a wreck, and I know I can't wait till we get back to his place to do everything he's making me want to. How can someone be so perfect? He's just _standing_ there! Talking to someone else about something totally unrelated to my deeply perverted thoughts. But it's his fault, anyway, isn't it? It really, really shouldn't be legal to be as beautiful as he is. They should make him get surgery to take away the pretty face...but that wouldn't change a thing. His very soul is what makes him so perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully..._

_Damn it, Yoshiki, get your cute, tight ass back over here before I do something stupid! Oh god, no, please don't turn that way, don't give him _that_ smile...SHIT! You're doing it on purpose, now, I'm sure of it! You're _trying_ to torture me! You just want to see me scurry off to the bathroom because you're making me...oh, _god_...'_

"Sumimasen," Kaoru mumbled, though he was barely within earshot of the genially conversing pair, before rising quickly and hurrying off toward the sign bearing a crudely sketched man. It was a bit inaccurate, considering half the men he knew wore skirts, or at least used to. He ducked quickly into the bathroom and rushed to the nearest stall, thanking everything he knew that the place was empty. It was a relatively small bookstore and cafe, and the three were practically the only ones there, anyway. Yoshiki watched him go, concern tinted with amusement crossing his face.

"Is he alright?" his companion asked. Yoshiki pursed his lips.

"I think so...maybe I should go check on him just to be sure," he mumbled. "I'll see you this weekend, then?" The man acknowledged him and turned away to leave, and Yoshiki smirked to himself as his back was turned. Tucking his hands in his pockets, he sauntered casually toward the men's room.

Kaoru, however, was everything but casual. The instant he'd closed the door behind himself his hands were working at the fastening of his pants, quickly releasing his semi-hard cock. He groaned as one hand wrapped around himself, and fell back against the wall of the stall, biting his lip. He was so hot, and in an instant he was rock-hard, vividly lewd thoughts of Yoshiki racing through his mind. He bucked into his hand desperately, turning his head against the cold metal behind him and doing his best to muffle the sounds trying to escape his lips. His eyes squeezed shut, and image after image popped up against his eyelids as he worked himself frantically. Yoshiki giving him _those_ eyes, Yoshiki pulling on one of his belt loops suggestively, Yoshiki slipping one shoulder free of his shirt, pouting sensually. Yoshiki's hands on his chest, on his hips...Yoshiki's mouth on his skin, his tongue...

Kaoru nearly screamed as he heard the door open and started, biting his lip hard. He stopped for a moment, fighting back a whimper and focussing on quieting his heavy breathing. The person came through the door slowly, their footsteps even as they approached the closed stall. Kaoru closed his eyes and prayed hard that this person wasn't stupid enough to try the door - the locks here weren't that great - but it was in vain. With a little prodding, the door opened and Kaoru was suddenly shoved against the wall. Fingers wrapped around his hand and as he turned his head lips caught his in a vicious, fiery kiss. Kaoru moaned unrestrained as he realised what was happening, and his free hand wrapped instantly around Yoshiki's back and squeezed his ass. Yoshiki jumped and laughed against his lips.

"Shh..." he insisted, pressing a finger against Kaoru's lips and stifling another moan. "You want this or not?" Kaoru nodded enthusiastically, and Yoshiki laughed softly once more. "Okay, then be _quiet_." As Kaoru tried to nod again he was forced to stop, his breath hitching in his throat as Yoshiki moved Kaoru's hand off himself and began to work him slowly.

"Ah - _Yoshiki..._Please..." he moaned quietly, but Yoshiki stopped instantly and pressed his fingers against his lips.

"I said _quiet_," he whispered, mouthing the last word, and Kaoru bit his lip once more. Yoshiki smiled almost evilly as he took the hand away, and placing his hands on Kaoru's hips practically fell to his knees. Kaoru gasped quietly, checking himself and realising he was trembling, and looked down at Yoshiki in very near fear. Yoshiki merely smiled at him fleetingly, before flicking his tongue out against the leaking head of Kaoru's penis. Kaoru bucked against him and managed to cut off a moan, but Yoshiki caught his hips and pressed him against the cold metal wall.

"Shh," Yoshiki breathed once more, his breath skimming across Kaoru's hot skin. Slowly he took the head of Kaoru's penis in his mouth and suckled it, playing it with his tongue like it was candy. Kaoru whimpered and shut his eyes once more, feeling himself so dangerously close to coming. But Yoshiki seemed to be enjoying himself - perhaps too much - and wasn't about to let that happen. Slowly he worked down the hot muscle, taking Kaoru deeper and deeper, letting him feel every inch as he worked his lips and tongue in the most amazing way Kaoru swore no one else in the world could. Kaoru tasted blood as he was sure he was cutting his lip, biting so hard, trying not to vocalise his pleasure. He felt the slick, strong muscles of Yoshiki's throat undulating around him as he deep-throated him, then slipped back and began to suck hard. It seemed he was done with playing as he brought his hands up to fondle Kaoru's balls, working hard to bring Kaoru over the edge. It was as if he'd given him permission, and that was all Kaoru needed to come instantly, feeling absolutely, viciously dirty but not caring one bit as pleasure made his knees weak and a breathy moan finally escaped his parched lips. Yoshiki made not one sound, continuing to work him until he was sated, and helping him stay up as he licked him clean, then standing slowly. He kissed his lover slowly, lovingly, and Kaoru returned the kiss weakly, tasting and feeling himself on the man's lips. He smiled into the kiss a little, and as it was broken Yoshiki sighed heavily.

"What's funny?" he asked quietly, tidying Kaoru up and refastening his pants. Kaoru reached one hand out and took Yoshiki's chin gently, turning his eyes up to his own. He smiled at him dumbly for a minute before speaking.

"Mr. We-can't-be-seen-in-public just gave me an absolutely mind-blowing orgasm in a public bathroom." Yoshiki quirked an eyebrow at him skeptically, asking him if there was a point he was trying to make or if he was just being annoying. "I think we've made some real progress here!" Yoshiki pursed his lips and hit his chest chastisingly.

"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?" he asked, turning to open the stall and going straight to the sink to wash his hands. Kaoru came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him, resting his head on the man's shoulder and staring into the mirror at them.

"I love you," he breathed, and kissed the man's neck. "You're just too damned beautiful for your own good." Yoshiki rinsed his hands and looked up at them in the mirror, then gasped softly as Kaoru nibbled on his earlobe. Kaoru's hands slid downward, across Yoshiki's pelvis, and he moaned softly. "Shh, ne..." Kaoru breathed, licking the spot behind his ear teasingly. Yoshiki bit his lip and glared at their reflection.

"Beautiful, you said?" he asked, his voice a controlled sort of breathy. Kaoru nodded against his neck and massaged the skin of his thighs gently. "_Ah_-alright...if I'm beautiful, that makes you the ugliest, sexiest, most stubborn piece of meat I have ever fucked." Kaoru stopped suddenly and stared at him in the mirror, taken aback. Yoshiki licked his lips sensually. "Oh, I haven't fucked you yet?" he asked. "Hmn..." He broke suddenly from Kaoru's grip and dried his hands quickly before striding out. Kaoru merely stared after him for a moment, before rushing out, calling after him.

"Yoshiki! That's not what I meant! I mean, what! Wait! Yoshiki!"


	12. It's Only Kawaii Until Someone Gets Hurt

"Come on, you know it's se~xy!" Yoshiki made a noise between a whine and _pfft_ and shoved Kaoru away almost playfully.

"Stop that," he said sharply. But Kaoru heard the weakening in his voice. It was working! He crawled back over to him and placed his chin back on Yoshiki's thigh, gazing up at him like a cat waiting to be petted.

"You know you li~ke it!" he teased. Yoshiki rolled the chair away suddenly and Kaoru fell on his face. This brought a small chuckle from Yoshiki's lips, though it failed to carry a smile with it. Kaoru rolled onto his back with a muffled groan and glared at him upside-down.

"Meanie," he said. Yoshiki ignored him. After a moment he huffed and jumped into a crouch. Then he turned sideways and began to scuttle like a crab over to Yoshiki. As he was just about to reach him, Yoshiki rolled his chair back toward him and knocked him over. The hint of a smile played at the corners of his lips as Kaoru fell hard and moaned a weak "itai...". Standing slowly he rubbed the base of his back, then popped it noisily. "You're sadistic," he mumbled.

"That's what you get, isn't it? I told you to leave me alone when I'm working," Yoshiki said matter-of-factly. He turned back to his work completely, and Kaoru pursed his lips at him. For a moment, he glanced around the room silently, and then he stepped forward with new inspiration. Carefully, so as to not be thwarted, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around the man. Slowly he brought his face beside Yoshiki's, touching their cheeks together. Yoshiki didn't move away this time, so Kaoru stayed.

"What's so much more important than me, anyway?" Kaoru asked after a moment. Yoshiki sighed.

"It's not that, Kao-ai, I'm just...busy, that's all!" Yoshiki insisted, clearly agitated. Kaoru glared a little at the 'busy work'. True, he'd get like this sometimes, too, but he couldn't be _this_ comitted. ...Right? Shaking his head a little at himself, Kaoru went back to distracting Yoshiki. The mischievous glint came back into his eye and he turned his head slowly, until his goatee was touching Yoshiki's cheek.

"Se~kushii~," he teased quietly, rubbing his chin against Yoshiki's skin a little. Yoshiki ignored him for a moment, but as he became more insistent he wiggled a little in his arms.

"Stop that," he said quietly, all conviction gone, as the phrase had been worn out by the good twelve times he must have said it already. Kaoru didn't listen, and Yoshiki writhed some more. "I said stop it, Kaoru, it makes me uncomfortable..." Suddenly the noise Kaoru had been working toward slipped from Yoshiki's lips. It started as a small, withdrawn chuckle, but broke quickly into a quiet giggle. "Kaoru~!" Yoshiki whined. His laughs became louder, and he dropped his pen, wiggling madly against Kaoru's grasp. "It tickles!" he exclaimed, and suddenly fell out of the chair. Kaoru caught him as they both fell to the ground, Yoshiki giggling madly, and Kaoru was relieved to hear the sound. So relieved that he let go of Yoshiki and began to rub his chin against other parts of the man's skin to provoke him more. First his neck, then his bare arms, and down to the hem of his shirt and his sensitive midsection, Yoshiki writhing and screaming with laughter the whole time. He was flailing, too, trying to push Kaoru off him half-heartedly. As Kaoru went further up his torso his hand connected suddenly with his face, and there was a loud _pop_. Kaoru groaned painfully and rolled away, and Yoshiki sat up quickly, one hand flying to cover his mouth. He was still smiling, despite himself, but his eyes were huge as he watched Kaoru raise one hand to his nose and feel it, then cover it. He stared over at Yoshiki, shoked.

"You broke my nose!" he accused. Yoshiki whimpered just a little.

"I'm sorry!" he said, trying to stop smiling. He moved closer to Kaoru and reached out a hand. "Is it-"

"Uh-uh. You're dangerous," Kaoru said, standing quickly. He was smiling a little, too, now, and Yoshiki sighed in relief.

"Like I said, that's what you get!" he reiterated. Kaoru nodded a little and started to make his way out.

"I'll remember that," he said. Yoshiki bit his lip as he watched him go.

"Oh, Kaoru!" he called after him suddenly, rising and going to the door. Kaoru turned back as he walked. "If you get any blood on the floor remember to clean it up!" Kaoru glared at him playfully and flipped him off.

"Fucking sadist..."


	13. My Angel

Yoshiki

"He calls me 'tenshi'. _'Tenshi'_! Can you believe that?" Yoshiki shook his head and took another drink from his soda can. There was a short silence across the phone, and he switched hands to free his dominant one. As Gackt spoke up, he picked up a pen and began to write the kanji for the word, over and over across a blank page.

"I think it's cute," Gackt proffered after clearing his throat. Yoshiki scoffed.

"But it's so cheesy!" There was another pase, and then Gackt made a vague sound of acknowlegdement. Yoshiki sighed and nibbled on the end of his pen. "If you're busy, tell me."

"No, no, it's just the makeup girl..." Yoshiki rolled his eyes, deciding to take the phrase as innocently as possible. "Anyway, if it bothers you, why don't you just tell him?"

"It's not that it bothers me..." Across the phone, Gack sighed loudly and chuckled. Though he couldn't see him, Yoshiki glared at him.

"Oh, it's like that, is it?" he asked suggestively, then chuckled some more. Yoshiki dropped the pen angrily.

"_What_ is that supposed to mean?" he snapped back, but Gackt just laughed louder.

"Yoshiki, don't take me for granted," Gackt said huskily. "Don't forget; you talk in your sleep..." Yoshiki felt his face flush instantly, and he gritted his teeth, fighting back the age-old argument. Hearing his silence, Gackt chuckled again but decided against lingering. "What I want to know is what harm you think telling people how you feel will do! Yoshiki, honestly, I'm sure he-"

"No, no, no, no!" he spoke over Gackt, trying to drown him out, shaking his head emphatically. There was a small pause, and Yoshiki glared again, wondering if Gackt was brave enough to try to keep going.

"He wants to hear it," Gackt finished suddenly before Yoshiki could interrupt again. The older man clicked his tongue angrily.

"Hear what? I don't know what you're talking about," he said dismissively. Peals of laughter floated over the phone line, and Yoshiki pursed his lips, sitting back haughtily. The laughter died down slowly and Gackt sighed good-naturedly.

"Sometimes, Yo-chan," he said, still laughing softly, "you are such a child." Suddenly Yoshiki was glaring again, and Gackt fell silent instantly, as if he could sense his friend's hostility. They stayed that way for a long time, until Yoshiki started to frown and picked up the pen again to methodically cross out each character on the page. Once he'd finished, his hand began to slowly draw out the kanji for his lover's name. A small smile crept onto his lips, and when he spoke his voice was distant.

"Not that I'd ever say so, but I'm almost starting to like it," he admitted. Across the ocean, Gackt sat back in his chair with a satisfied smile. Once again, he had hit the nail right on its head. Score one for Gackt.

"Alright, then, tell me: what exactly was the reason you called?"

"To bitch," Yoshiki said, laughing a little. "That's awful of me, isn't it?" Gackt shook his head and earned a small backhand from his already tousled makeup artist. Rolling his eyes, he sat still and tried not to smile too wide.

"Just childlike, again," he said, and Yoshiki scoffed.

"Stop saying that! You're so arrogant sometimes I just want to..." Gackt grinned passively and almost giggled.

"You want to..._what_?" he said suggestively. Yoshiki cringed and rolled his eyes.

"Well, nothing pleasant, that's all," he said, glancing at the nearest clock. He glared at it as it told him an unsatisfactory time. "Look, it's getting really late and I'm not doing anything useful, so I'm going to bed."

"Ah, finally! The man's listening!" Gackt said, and Yoshiki grumbled.

"Oh, shut up, you," he murmured. "You're turning into Kaoru..."

"Mm, am I..._tenshi_?" Gackt teased. Yoshiki hung up the phone. For a moment Gackt sat still, a stunned look on his face, and then he pulled the phone away from his ear and gaped at it.

"Did he break up with you?" the woman in front of him muttered, so low she thought he couldn't hear. Gackt laughed a little, and she looked up at him, scared.

"Oh, sweetheart, he is _much_ too old. _You_, on the other hand..."

Kaoru

"Kyo?" Kaoru said spontaneously one day while they were smoking together, standing outside the building during a break. Kyo looked over at him briefly and acknowledged he was listening. "You're good with women." Kyo stared at him oddly, as if what he'd just said was complete bullshit. "Okay, maybe you aren't. But can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Kyo said after a moment, turning back to stare out over the city they could see from the roof. Kaoru paused for a moment before continuing.

"Is it too much to call a woman 'tenshi'?" Kyo took a moment to respond, and Kaoru cleared his throat nervously.

"I didn't know you had a girlfriend," he said finally. Kaoru shrugged his shoulders.

"It isn't exactly...I mean, I-"

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend," Kyo corrected himself nonchalantly. Kaoru started a little and gaped at him, but he ignored him, continuing to smoke as if nothing at all was amiss. "I don't know, Kao. Not if they don't mind, I guess." He dropped the cigarette and crushed it under the toe of his boot. "I'm not good with that romance shit," he muttered as he stalked back inside. "Anymore." Kaoru watched him go with wide eyes, still shocked he'd caught on so quickly. _Kaoru_ hadn't known he could be attracted to men before Yoshiki...was he really that transparent? How many others knew? Then again, Kyo hadn't really...Had he? Kaoru rolled his eyes. He was overreacting. Yoshiki's band knew about them and didn't say anything, so it couldn't be that bad. But that still left the problem of the nickname. Kaoru tossed his own cigarette off into the distance and sank to the ground against the wall. It seemed like Yoshiki was a little uneasy with the name these days, hesitating before reacting whenever he'd use it. Maybe the use of it made him feel uncomfortably young, or maybe it was just too familiar. Whatever the case, Kaoru felt like it was about time he come up with something else. Digging around in his pockets, he found an old piece of paper with nothing on it, and he plucked the pen from behind his ear and set down to think of something.

First, he wrote out the man's name, slowly and neatly on the crumpled piece of paper. Then he began to write down the things Yoshiki made him think of. Sunrises, rain, beauty, winter, breezes, music, people, sex...the paper was covered in mere minutes, random scribbles here and there across both sides of it. It was easy to compare Yoshiki to anything beautiful, pleasing, and pensive. But there was something missing...Kaoru sat still for a long time, looking over the paper, turning it in his hands. Nothing came to him like a flash of lightning, like inspiration usually did. Frustratedly, he threw the pen and paper down into his lap and let his head fall back against the building. The sky was bright above him, a few thin clouds floating through the air but clear otherwise, and even that made him think of the man. So far away, how many times had they been able to see a sky like this together? Not many. Feeling lonely, he mouthed the man's name, and as it passed across his lips his eyes fell closed. The paper fluttered against his hand almost insistently, and he grasped it gently between his fingers, not wanting to let it go. The almost nonexistent wind was causing the paper to flap gently against his skin like the wing of something gentle trying to get free. A single tear pooled at the edge of Kaoru's eye and streaked a small, short path down his cheek. He always missed him the most outside, for some reason. It was just easier to think of him when he was surrounded by so much that reminded him of the man's beauty, his very presence. Slowly, Kaoru opened his eyes, and looked back down at the little piece of paper, the name written largely at the top of it, crinkled and...torn. There was a small tear through the first part of the word, that got bigger as it flapped sharply against his hand once more. And it was that very thing that Kaoru had forgotten: how pain, being torn apart and made to hurt had turned Yoshiki into the man he loved. That was why he was an angel; he had seen so much, and yet was better for it, kinder and gentler and more appreciative than anyone else. And beyond that, he was _Kaoru's_ angel, who Kaoru needed and who needed him right back, both so perfectly intertwined that it would take some terribly malicious force to tear them apart. Kaoru smiled a little to himself. Maybe the reason Yoshiki didn't like it was that he didn't understand it. And Kaoru had been unable to explain it, until now. Checking the time, he realised it was too late to call him now, but made a mental note to do so in a few hours. Hopefully then his angel would be awake and able to listen, as he seemed so apt to do so very often. Smiling to himself, Kaoru stood and stretched. The wind was still agitating the paper in his hands, and on a whim he suddenly let it go. It sailed through the air and off the edge of the bulding, drifting gently through the air, on a mission. Suddenly it dropped off and disappeared, and Kaoru slipped back inside, hoping someone somewhere might be inspired by it to realise just how perfect his flawed angel really was.


	14. My Favorite Things

It started with a phone call, which seemed to be the case with most things in their relationship recently. It was late at night in Los Angeles, and mid afternoon in Japan. Yoshiki was curled up, shivering, under his blankets, waiting for a repairman to come turn off his overactive air conditioning system. After getting over the initial funniness of the situation, Kaoru was trying his damndest to distract Yoshiki. They were chatting along when Kaoru threw out a casual profession of love, and instead of responding with his usual "Thank you," Yoshiki asked the infamous question

"Why?"

Kaoru fell silent at first, shocked that he'd asked. Horror stories of breakups after insufficient answers to this question filled his mind, and he stared wide-eyed around his room, begging for inspiration. After a long moment, he heard himself speak, and cringed, for what he'd said, without thinking, was simply

"What?"

Yoshiki sighed loudly and shifted in the bed, drawing the blankets around himself tighter. During this brief pause, Kaoru thought hard and successfully created a better response.

"Yoshiki, there are tons of reasons. I can't name them all right now, off the top of my head." Kaoru smiled. Ha! Saved.

"Well, how long do you think is reasonable?" Yoshiki asked. Kaoru's smile crashed from his face, and he looked back at the random cup on his coffee table, asking it wordlessly, but desperately, for help.

"I don't know, tenshi," he responded honestly, realising that his previous response was also actually quite true. They were silent for another moment, and then Yoshiki cleared his throat.

"How does two weeks sound?" he asked. Kaoru's immediate thought was that he wouldn't have even close to enough time in two weeks to compile a list like that, but then he realised that Yoshiki was a hell of a lot busier than him and he shouldn't complain.

"Maybe. But..." he added, falling off and waiting for Yoshiki to respond before continuing. "Maybe you should make me a list, too." Payback was a bitch, ne? Yoshiki took a moment to answer.

"Two weeks? Alright, I can try. How about I make it easier, though?" he said, and Kaoru cued him on. "Just the top ten things. That should be perfectly possible." Kaoru assented quickly, and Yoshiki hung up soon after to answer the door for the repairman.

Little did they know that the entire situation had been hugely blown out of possibility by the simple restrictions they had placed on it. Yoshiki found himself totally distracted at the worst times, thinking about Kaoru and trying to figure out not what he liked about him, but what he liked _best_ about him, what attracted him the most. Kaoru was in little better shape, as he found it was impossible to pinpoint exactly what it was about Yoshiki that really got him. Nothing specific ever seemed to come up, and if it did it was quickly followed by a parade of related things, which made an entire list of its own, which brought Kaoru once again back to the drawing board.

Yoshiki's defining moment of frustration came when he was sitting at his office desk, scores abandoned in place of a small piece of paper with extensive scribbling on it. His brow was furrowed, and he was chewing absentmindedly on the back end of a cheap plastic pen. He was scanning the page over and over, and had almost memorised it at this point. On it was written

eyes

hair

stop talking about BODY!

voice (mmm)

way he stares

yes no

no

wtf was that…?

call Mr. Morrison back

crab or tuna…let's see CRAB

new shoes

says I love you too much all the time

bitchy when he's busy with music

fuck it so am I….and it's sort of cute anyway…

HATE NEW HAIR

love the way he stares

bigger belts = fun

can't make up his mind where to take me on dates

wants to pay for everything

cute when he's drunk

damn that man is sexy…no wonder I fell for him **GODDAMMIT!**

more mature than his age

never pries

can talk up a storm if I ask him to

what's with my sunglasses habit? doesn't he do that too…?

**WHAJREHUAHTABGUAWHEDAK**

^ I need sleep….

keeps trying to get me to show affection in public (DEATH TO YOUNG MEN!)

can't swim

plays with his hair when distracted

eats too much at McDonalds

buys me McDonalds and doesn't say anything

please call more, I call too much he never calls

good thing: smile

dork: keeps me on my toes

can't dance worth SHIT the alcohol he had to get drunk off to dance in the first place

After adding "okay screw it body's great" he counted twenty-two, and that was just from his scribbles since that morning. Yoshiki sighed, settling back in the chair and tossing the page on his desk. This whole thing was hopeless. How on earth could he narrow it down to ten things, when he'd barely thought about it in a distracted morning and already had over twenty? Turning back to his scores, he could only hope that Kaoru was doing better.

In fact, Kaoru was stressing out more than he was. It had been a week since they'd made the arrangement, and he was so desperate to make any progress at all that he'd cancelled practise an entire weekend just to work on it. He was sitting on his couch, muted television on, tapping his own pen against a notebook as he tried to narrow something down. When something – _anything_ – came to him, he wrote it down as quickly as he could and moved on to the next thought. What he had so far was

Yoshiki:

- is sexy (think fangirls saying "I don't care if he's 40 I'd hit that" – me too)

- has the look s

- says "thank you" to _everything_

- thinks he's more organised than he is

- is a total perfectionist

- doesn't know when he's mad and showing it

- also doesn't know when he's whining (does that a lot, but in a really cute way)

- tries to act older than he is

- can't have fun unless I make him do it

- eats too much fast food but never talks about it (self-conscious)

Re-reading his list, he realised it really wasn't as bad as he thought it was. To top that, it was only ten things. The only problem left was the imminent feeling that it just wasn't good enough. His previous fear of rejection caused by mutilated, hormone-consumed responses overshadowed everything, and he ended up throwing the paper out and starting once more from scratch.

The 14th day, Yoshiki had abandoned all hope of focussing on work and was sitting up at four in the morning scribbling, scratching out, and writing lots of numbers. He'd added everything he could think of to his list, and had found himself completely unable to get it to less than twenty top things, no matter what he did. A sense of doom suddenly washed over him as he felt his cell phone vibrating in his pocket and realised that in Japan it was getting late and he should have given up and called Kaoru hours before. Slipping the phone from his pocket the screen confirmed that he was, for sure, screwed.

"Moshi-moshi," he answered in his sweetest voice. Kaoru was silent for a moment.

"I have a confession to make," he said finally. Yoshiki thought better of saying 'me too'.

"What's that?" On the other end, Kaoru bit his lip then noticed he was doing it and stopped, smiling awkwardly at himself. The typically Yoshiki-type habit gave him some sort of courage, and he plunged on with a sigh.

"My list sucks." Yoshiki blinked, and Kaoru waited nervously. This was what he got for being honest. After a long moment, Yoshiki leaned back in his chair and sighed, as well.

"At least you have one. I can't seem to narrow it down to less than twenty." Kaoru instantly breathed a sigh of relief. Saved again! "You want to start, please?" Feeling much better, Kaoru nodded to himself.

"Sure, I guess. I wrote it all out so it wouldn't sound as bad." Sighing again, he settled back into his couch and prepared to read. "Okay...I love your smile, because it always makes me laugh." Setting his own paper in his lap, Yoshiki smiled softly. Not a bad start, at least... "I love your laugh for the same reason. I love your hands. So many beautiful things are made by those hands." Smiling even more, Yoshiki closed his eyes. "I love the way you sing when you think nobody's listening, and that you love to be barefoot and shirtless, both are so innocent and childlike. I love your tics." Yoshiki's eyes shot open, and he sat up some.

"My _tics_? I don't have _tics_!" Across the phone, Kaoru chuckled softly.

"Yes you do. You play with your fingernails when you've got nothing else to do with your hands, you know? Your makeup and wardrobe people _hate_ that. And you have this habit of biting your lower lip. It's adorable." As he began to protest, Yoshiki suddenly realised that he was doing just that, and merely sighed.

"Okay, fine. You win. Go on, you're kicking my ass at this." Kaoru cleared his throat dramatically and continued.

"I love that no matter what I do you'll always forgive me." Yoshiki smiled again, and Kaoru cleared his throat softly. "Case in point. I love how beautiful you are, from the inside out. I love that you're not afraid to say _anything_ to me. And I love that you love me back." He paused, and Yoshiki, who had closed his eyes once more, sat up.

"Is that all?"

"Ten things," Kaoru confirmed, and even counted for good measure. Not that he hadn't done that a billion times before, but he knew it would make Yoshiki feel better. Nodding to himself, Yoshiki sat up a little more and picked up the paper in his lap.

"Guess it's my turn." Kaoru made a noise of assent, and Yoshiki licked his lips slowly. "Mine isn't nearly as good as yours. I don't even have reasons."

"Please, Yoshiki. You gave me your word." Yoshiki clicked his tongue.

"I know I did." There was a short silence, and Yoshiki rolled his eyes. "Fine. Here are some of the top things: You don't insist I tell you what's wrong. You don't mind that I'm always busy. You make sure I do enough stupid things every day." Kaoru laughed softly, and a knot that Yoshiki didn't know was growing in his stomach loosened. "You have a habit of buying new shoes for every tour-"

"Hey!" Kaoru interjected, but Yoshiki caught him on a technicality.

"It's a tic!" he retorted, and Kaoru could think of no intelligent response to that. After a moment Yoshiki started again. "You always care about what I'm saying. You're overprotective, and another one of my mothers. You never hurt me maliciously, on purpose. You put up with my shit without complaint. You've never asked me to do anything I don't want to. You've never asked me to be something I'm not. You're cute when you're worried, and you're worried a lot. You're almost always there to listen when I call. You're so careful with me, but you're not afraid to hurt me when I want you to." At this, Kaoru made a small sound, but didn't say anything, so after a short pause Yoshiki resumed reading. "You miss me more than I miss you. You don't snore. You see something in me I never will. And finally, you fell for me. Which is not an easy thing to do." Kaoru scoffed.

"Says you!" Yoshiki laughed softly, setting the paper down.

"Well. That was..."

"Painful," Kaoru concluded for him.

"Nice," Yoshiki substituted. Kaoru shook his head.

"You're such a romantic," he said softly. Yoshiki closed his eyes again.

"I miss you, Kao-ai," he said after a moment. Kaoru smiled.

"I miss you more," he answered, making Yoshiki smile too. Yoshiki yawned, and hearing him Kaoru followed suit.

"Stop that! You're going to make me go to sleep at noon, if you keep that up!" Yoshiki smiled again, a gentle, pensive smile, and ran one hand through his air.

"Thank you," he said softly after a long pause.

"I love you," Kaoru responded, almost without thinking. Smiling a little more, Yoshiki nodded.

"I know."


	15. Oops

Yoshiki knew this was a bad idea. He knew he should have said no. He knew they should have stopped at the second glass. He _should_ have known Gackt was going to bring this up. But it was real life, not a movie, and it happened anyway.

It all started when Gackt called him as he was leaving the airport and asked the infamous question,

"Ima doko?"

To which he responded,

"Ima Tokyo."

Which led to Gackt practically forcing him to come out to a club with him that night. Meaning, Gackt said something akin to "Oh, good!" (as if he didn't already know that) "I'll see you at *insert random club*!" and then hung up. Leaving Yoshiki with no other option than to go to his hotel, put his things down, change, grab a sandwich, and go down to the club while calling the person he was going to go out with the next morning to confirm that he was probably going to be a little late. Upon entering the club, one of Gackt's bodyguards led him straight to the VIP room Gackt was inhabiting for the night, and a waitress brought him a drink without him asking for one. It was neon green, matching the half-empty glass already in front of Gackt.

"Yoshiki!" Gackt beamed as he walked into the room, standing up. Then he sat with him, still smiling. That should have been the first indication that Gackt was only trying to seduce him. But Yoshiki was fucking tired and pissed as hell, so he was more focussed on getting through this so he could go back to his hotel and get some things organised _instead_ of sleeping and maybe be at least close to on time for his meeting the following morning.

"You know I hate it when you do this," Yoshiki said, trying to ephasise that the phrase was meant good-naturedly. Gackt's smile didn't waver a centimetre as he curled his hands under his chin and stared back at him demurely.

"Oh, come now, it's not that bad. You need a break once in a while!" _I also need _sleep _once in a while!_ is what Yoshiki thought, but kept the comment to himself, replacing it with a nod. Gackt reached out and nudged the drink closer.

"Try this. You'll like it, I promise." Yoshiki was suddenly reminded of the last time Gackt had promised something, and practically shuddered. "What's new with you, then?" he asked, taking his own drink in his hand and settling back in the chair. Which of course had to consist of draping his arm across the back of it in a way that made his half-open shirt open more. It had taken Yoshiki awhile to convince himself that Gackt wasn't attractive, even though he'd never had the slightest urge to _do_ anything about it. He'd eventually settled on "not _that_ attractive", and then "not as attractive as _Kaoru_". That seemed to work well. Yoshiki glanced down at the drink, trying not to make too sour of a face. Gackt brought his own glass to his lips, and closed his eyes as he took a slow drink, as if the stuff was absolutely divine. After a moment Yoshiki decided if he didn't do it Gackt wouldn't stop pestering him about it all night, and once he did he could say he wanted something else. So he quickly took a tentative sip, while Gackt watched with a practically evil glint in his eye. Yoshiki had been right; it was vile stuff, and he couldn't help the face he made. After swallowing, he coughed, and Gackt laughed aloud and waved the waitress back over. She brought over a bottle of red wine and a pair of glasses, and Gackt downed the rest of his drink, letting her take both the previous glasses with her.

"What?" Yoshiki asked as Gackt began to pour wine into his glass. He glanced up at him when he spoke, but focussed more on the task at hand. The show was over for the moment, and he could be himself now.

"I asked what's new," he repeated. Yoshiki settled back again and sighed.

"Everything, of course," he said after a moment, and taking the glass set it on the table. For no reason at all, he dipped his finger into the blood-red liquid, then brought the finger to his lips and flicked his tongue out, gathering the drop into his mouth. He then licked his lips with a much more satisfied look, and Gackt smiled at him.

"Better?"

"Much better." Gackt sat back and swirled his own wine, then took a slow drink.

"So, everything. Anything worth mentioning?" Yoshiki took a drink, then shook his head.

"Not yet. There are some things in the works, but nothing's settled yet." Gackt nodded a little and looked away as he took another slow drink. It was a long time before he spoke again, which should have been another indication of the imminent danger, but Yoshiki once again didn't notice the signs. They rambled for a long while, about nothing at all, and Gackt managed to keep him interested enough to practically continually refill his glass. They were nearly to the bottom of the bottle when something occurred to Yoshiki, making him think for a split second '_That crafty bastard!_', but then the thought was gone, replaced with the realisation that he was going to be severely hung over if he didn't stop _right now_.

"Gakuto...Gakuto!" he managed, through small fits of laughter. "Stop it. You're going to make me drunk." He laughed again, and Gackt just smiled at him.

"Okay, okay," he said, and set his own glass down to lean forward on the table. "Alright, I told you about my recent love life. What about you, Yoshiki?" Yoshiki covered his mouth with a hand, stifling short, meaningless chuckles, and stared down at Gackt. The man had practically pressed himself against the table, and was smiling up at him happily, real interest in his eyes. Yoshiki managed to shake his head. When he spoke, it was in English.

"Uh-uh. We're not going there. You know I don't-" he chuckled softly "-_kiss and tell_." Gackt smiled more, and shook his head.

"I know that, I know that. But you've _never_ told me things. I tell you things all the time!"

"I'm too old for love stories, Gackt," he said, waving his hand dismissively. "The only things I have are fleeting, now." Gackt rolled his eyes.

"And mine aren't? Come on, Yoshiki, you can tell me." He pouted a little, and Yoshiki started to laugh again. "Ple~ase?" Swallowing his laughter, Yoshiki shook his head again.

"You're in - mmn...impossible!" he insisted. Gackt fell onto the table, his cheek resting against it, looking up at Yoshiki still. It made Yoshiki smile again.

"You're the impossible one!"

"No, no I'm not! You can't say that to me, I'm older than you!" They both laughed this time.

"Come on, Yoshiki," Gackt resumed his pleading after a moment. "At least give me a name, hmm? It can't be that dangerous! There are tons of people in the world!" Yoshiki blinked for a moment, trying to analyse this proposition. He nodded.

"Okay, that's fair. But you can't tell anyone," he said, leaning down more to speak softer. Gackt sat up a little and nodded enthusiastically, his eyes shining and his smile getting even goofier. Yoshiki chuckled, then quickly whispered "Kaoru," before sitting up instantly and smiling down at Gackt, half in manager-sama mode and half just plain drunk. Gackt smiled up at him for a moment before making a noise one would expect a kindergartener to give his best friend when he admitted he liked girls.

"Aah! Such a pretty name, Yoshiki! What a lucky girl!" It was then that Yoshiki had yet another one of his many mistake-of-a-lifetime moments. He shook his head.

"Aho, Kaoru's a man." Gackt's smile faltered a little, and he blinked. Then, weightily, he said one word:

"Oh."

Without Yoshiki ever being aware of it, Gackt had heard about, become curious for confirmation of, and gained the biggest piece of blackmail the man would ever have. Gackt tried hard not to do a victory dance. For a moment, he felt guilty, partially for getting the man really drunk and partially for worming this out of him, but it passed in a flash when he realised what this meant. Miyavi owed him 5,000 yen, and he would have to lay Toshiya tonight.

"So..." he began, then winced as he almost shot himself in the foot. He paused, gathering his wits, and then began again. "This Kaoru, I suppose he seduced you?" Yoshiki's smile fell off his face as he became suddenly serious.

"No, that's the crazy thing! I mean, he's eight years younger than me, you'd think I'd be more intelligent by now!" Gackt did some quick math in his head. One step closer. "But no. I have to go and fall for this wonderful, stupid man who's never been with a man before." He stopped suddenly, stabbing the table with a finger. "I _shouldn't_ have told you that."

"Eight years? My god, how did you meet?" Yoshiki scoffed.

"In a studio. Sort of. On the phone. No, well, they were good enough, you know, and then this kid walks in and I almost can't fucking _speak_ because he's just standing there and then-"

"Whoah, whoah! Yoshiki, you're rambling!" Yoshiki made a slight hiccup, covering his mouth with his hand.

"Am I? I'm sorry." He paused, blinking. "I'm sorry, what was the question?" Gackt fought the urge to hit the man. Just _admit_ it already!

"I asked how you met. You said...in a studio?" Yoshiki nodded.

"Yes. He called me, see, and he was so nervous. They all were when they first came in. It took them awhile, but things went well. Then afterward I had to go and fuck things up by _kissing_ him. But it was drunk, so it was nothing. But...it was something. I mean, what would you think if a supposedly straight man kissed you back? It was all so...serendipitous," he said, musing at the word. Gackt rolled his eyes. "No, don't do that. You have to be there, I guess. Something. Well, here a year later is this man who kissed me when he was drunk and now he's saying it wasn't because he was drunk. Would you believe him?" Gackt merely watched him, as he paused and looked down at the table. His expression changed dramatically, and for the first time Gackt began to think that this wasn't such a good idea. Yoshiki's voice had dropped when he spoke again. "I guess I did, though, didn't I?" He smiled sadly. "It's a good thing, though, right? I guess I have a thing for guitarists..." A small laugh trailed at the end of this sentence, and Gackt found himself plunging on, despite the growing uneasiness in his stomach.

"Guitarists?" he asked, softly. Yoshiki nodded a little, then looked up at him. His eyes hit Gackt like a brick, and he decided instantly and with no real explanation that he would never, _ever_ tell anyone what he'd heard tonight.

"Except this time the band's called Dir en grey, which is a fucked up name, don't you think?" He was about to continue rambling, when the look in Gackt's eyes sobered him a little, and he realised what he'd just said. He knew he shouldn't have said it, he knew it was a bad idea to come down here in the first place, he _should_ have known Gackt had questionable intentions, but at the moment he could really think only one thing:

"Oh _shit_."

XD I was struck with a stroke of genius (i.e. my Yoshiki muse hitting me REALLY hard with a drumstick and going "Stupid idiot!"). Expect good things in the near future :)


	16. Thank You

You may not be able to hear me, but I have something to say to you:

Thank you.

Thank you for getting to know me.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Thank you for letting me see the you that most people didn't.

Thank you for trusting me.

Thank you for making me trust you.

Thank you for being beautiful.

Thank you for being an asshole.

Thank you for standing up to me when no one else would.

Thank you for showing me that there are some good people in the world, after all.

But most of all,

Thank you for making me let you go.

I know it was never a real thing, what we had between us. And even though I never said it, and I never will, it wasn't just some fling for me. No, it wasn't a love affair or anything, but it was more than drunken revelry. I appreciate the fact that you never let me know you saw past me, even though I know you did. It's the fact that I already knew that matters. Every time I'd get senstive about it you'd punch me in the arm - _hard_ (and that _hurt_, you bastard!) - and tell me I was being a girl. You said it made you uncomfortable, and while I don't know exactly why I obviously can't ask you, so I take my assumptions and that's that. But I have to tell you something I haven't yet. I don't know how long I've known - I guess the whole time, it was just one of those things I didn't think about. I want to thank you for seeing past me, and for letting me get that close to you. All my life I've had trouble trusting people. They always tend to let me down, or in most cases hurt me. And after you were gone, I went back to that stupid trend of hiding in my little shell and satisfying everyone but myself. I don't know exactly what it was that made me peek my head out and sniff the air. But I know what it was that called me softly, making me crawl cautiously out into the world again.

It was love.

That sounds really bad, now that I say it. But it was. And I'm not talking cheesy-cheesy romance type love, although I guess that's a part of it. I'm talking about the real kinds of love. The love I realised I was getting from people who didn't even know me. The love I realised people had for you, people who had never even met you. The love of the music was a big one. That just keeps gnawing at me like a beaver on a stubborn branch. And yes, romance was part of it. That was the last part, the one that I took the most hesitant steps toward, because I knew that one hurts the most. It did with you.

There. I fucking said it. I loved you. I still do. But the love I had for you was fleeting. It was a desperate, cutesy sort of thing that wasn't nearly as strong or as true as the compainionship I felt with you. That's what tore me like a fucking knife. That's what left me bleeding on the hardwood floors. Not the break-my-heart bullshit schoolgirls fantasise about. No, the real stuff, the stuff nothing can take away, and the kind that leaves that burning, aching sort of pain that never, ever goes away. Love. God damn it.

I haven't told him about our..."escapades". That makes me smile. What is there to tell, really? It was nothing, as we so often reiterated. Nothing. Just a grope here, a sloppy drunken kiss there. An embrace, or a soft phrase that put a smile on a crying face. That kind of thing. What do you call it? It doesn't matter. It was there.

What does matter is that you made me realise so many things. If it wasn't so damned awful, I'd thank you for doing what you did. I wouldn't be the person I am, or where I am, if you hadn't, and while I think the other option would have been just as great, I wonder sometimes if this wasn't the better way. Sometimes they talk about how you must have had a noble motive, and I guess in retrospect there's some sense to that. But you didn't. Not that it matters, anyway.

If you'd stuck around, I wouldn't have learned the hard lessons I have. I know that. I would have wandered through life being pampered and never getting close to anyone ever again. But what happened with you - _everything_ that happened with you - made me realise that I can't sit here doing nothing. And even though it hurts, I'm afraid not to do things sometimes simply because the option may not be there the next day. The fact that you let me trust you, that you trusted me, and that you didn't ever _let me down_, is what made the biggest impression. Sure you did something selfish, something irrevocably stupid, but everyone does that. Everyone is selfish, and stupid, but that doesn't mean they're not perfect and beautiful, too.

Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, when I'm with him I think of you. Only in passing, thankfully. But when I do, I think of how grateful I am to you that you made me realise how precious everything is. How you can't be afraid, because the pain of life only serves to help you realise how wonderful everything else is. Yesterday, when he held my hand on the drive to the airport where I would leave to go back to LA after just four days, only two spent with him at all, it made me realise that I really needed to sit down and thank you. So here I am. And even though you may not be able to hear me, I have something to say to you:

Thank you.


	17. ame ga furu toki wa itsumo

Every time it rains, I can't help but stop for just a moment. I never really should - it seems like I'm always too busy to - but I do it anyway. It makes me think, and that's something I should _never_ do these days. Mostly I think about you.

Then again, everything makes me think about you now.

"Yoshiki," someone says, and I turn away from the window, streaked with heaven's tears and blurring, distorting the light of the city as it filters in. The someone clears their throat a little, now that they have my attention, and continues talking their bullshit nobody cares about. Once he's distracted I turn back to the window and swirl the small amount of drink left in my glass. I don't remember what I'm drinking, nor have I bothered to remember the name of the someone talking. All the someones are the same, anyway, why does it matter?

I'm thinking about that time when we danced. You weren't even drunk. That makes me smile. You were down for a recording, so I went to see you. It was raining, of course, but you wouldn't even consent to running to my car, since we didn't have an umbrella between us. You just stepped outside and stopped, turned your face up to the sky and let the cold rain get all over you. I was so mad at you, you know! I hate it when you do those crazy things, things that might get you hurt or are just plain stupid. You're not Die, you know! But you just laughed at me when I told you to hurry up, scolded you for being an idiot, saying you'd get sick. You just laughed. And you turned your face toward me, your eyes all squinted from the rain and that huge smile plastered across your face. I was shivering. Then suddenly I was in your arms, and you were twirling with me and laughing like a madman, right there in that damned parking lot! I tried to push you away - no, not really. I have to admit that, now. I didn't try that hard. But you stopped when I got too heavy - you had picked me up because I wouldn't cooperate. And you laughed at me, and called me an old geeser, and I stalked off like I was mad at you. I didn't want you to know how happy that made me, being lifted in your arms like a child and danced around in the middle of the rain. It made me perfectly giddy. Then again, I never tell you that.

"Yoshiki. Yoshiki, are you listening?" Someone else said it this time. And I know this someone, so I turn to them. I nod. She sighs a little and asks me what I think. I nod like I know what's going on. And I do, a little. I know why I'm there, at least, and I know I think the idea is good, so I nod and that satisifes everyone - like it means something, because it was me who did it. I hate that. And we all get up then, because that's that and we all have more important places to be, better things to do and more entertaining people to be with. I glance at my watch, and realising this thing got over early I feel a short wave of happiness, followed by a dead-tired weight, pass over me. I yawn discreetly and head straight for my car.

On the way home, the radio station I wasn't really listening to was playing "I've Got a Spell On You", while the rain was pattering mercilessly against my windshield. When it decides to rain here, it really rains, if even for just a moment. Tonight, though, it's really something. There was a wreck on the way, which is when I stopped to actually listen to the radio. But I'm home safe now, and there's a can of coke in my hand, and I'm sitting here doing nothing, listening to the rain. I shouldn't be drinking so much soda, but it's good and I want to today, so I'm going to do it anyway. See what you're doing to me? As I glance at the clock I realise I could call you, but it's Monday where you are and you're probably busy yelling at the other members of your band. We need to take a break sometime. I've said that recently, havent I? ...I'll get to it.

I should be working on something, I know. There's always something I should be working on. But I don't feel like it. Maybe you're really becoming a bad influence. Or maybe I'm just feeling sick today or something. I don't feel sick, though, other than a mild headache, and I've always got one of those. It's cold in here for some reason. But it's warm where you are. I bet the sun is shining and you're sweating your cute ass off playing like mad at that guitar of yours. I sigh and finish off the coke, and realise I've been thinking about your ass for the past five minutes. Yes, I'm definitely going to have to quit you.

I should be working. Still. But I'm not. Still. I've made a nice post on my MySpace, for my sweet fans who check it every day. I really do love them. They're so wonderful. And now I'm weeding through my virtual mountains of e-mail, when I see something familiar. My heart skips a beat. You mean you actually found the time to e-mail me? I click on it eagerly, feeling like a giddy schoolgirl getting chocolates back on white day. _You really _do_ love me!_ Ick.

_Hi tenshi. I thought you might be getting lonely all the way across the ocean, so I decided to send you a little message. It's raining a lot down here, and it hasn't let up for at least two days. The weather is crazy sometimes. I've got a little cold, but I'm okay. Are you any better? I feel kind of stupid writing to you instead of calling, but it's early where you are and I want to let you sleep, for once. So sleep well, my tenshi. Call me when you read this. I miss you, and I love you._

_Kaoru_

It's raining there too, is it? I wonder if you think of me, like I think of you. Hmm...will you be upset if I call you during practise? I'm sure the others will be glad to be rid of you for a least a few minutes. All right.

The line keeps ringing, and I'm getting a little worried. Most of the time you don't pick up when you're at practise. But finally there's a reassuring click.

"Moshi-moshi?"

"Hello, Kao-ai. I read your e-mail. Can you talk?" You take a moment to converse with the others.

"Sure." You pause to get a cigarette and light it. I find that a little rude, but it's a small price to pay to hear your voice. "How are you?"

"I'm feeling a little better. Things are going well over here. How are you?"

"Fine." Another pause. That means you don't want to talk about it, because if you do you'll start ranting about Kyo or something else you think I find trivial and must not want to hear about. But that's an argument for later. I sigh.

"Is it still raining?"

"Mm-hm. All cold and dreary. It makes me quiet." I laugh a little.

"Well, it must be magic rain." You _tsk_, and I smile at you, even though I know you can't see me. It's the thought that counts. "It's raining here, too."

"Ah."

Pause. I sigh again. You're so hard to talk to when you're distracted by your music. Am I like that, too?

"I love you." It's the only thing I can think to say. You sigh a little yourself this time, and answer me in a tired voice.

"I love you, too, tenshi."

I look back out at the rain, as it streaks my window. It's an illusion, the rain, hiding and distorting the things you don't want to see. It's said the rain washes the world clean. Of sin, of sorrow, of everything. But I can't believe that. Wars go on in the rain, don't they? You clear your throat, bringing me back down to earth temporarily.

"I have to go. Get some sleep, okay? Please?"

"Stop that," I say, but I hear the gentle consent in my voice. I am tired, and I have to be somewhere at six tomorrow morning. I think it would be nice to get some sleep. "I'll go to bed when I'm good and ready." The yawn almost betrays me, but I held it back until I was finished. I almost hear you nod.

"Alright, you."

"Hey, don't work yourself too hard either!" I scold. You laugh a little, and someone calls your name.

"Okay. Oyasumi." You hang up in a hurry, and I let the phone fall onto the nearest flat surface. I yawn again, and decide that - for once - you're right.

I was nearly falling over from tiredness getting into bed, but now that I'm here I can't sleep. The rain is pattering still, and for some reason my thoughts have drifted away from you, to darker parts of my mind. Ever since X started playing together again I've been thinking about things more often. Parts of my life I've tried not to think about too much. They drift to the surface, mostly at the wrong times, and settle there like bad silt. Except silt sinks. Nevermind.

I turn on my side and bury my face in the pillow, but my entire body hurts and my mind is racing, and the rain is playing its uneven rhythm against everything around me, against my very brain. I can't sleep. Not now, not tonight. Oh gods, am I crying! Fitfully, I turn on my back again and stare at the dark ceiling, at the twinkling lights dancing across it faintly, torn into pieces by the rivulets of rain. It should be beautiful, but right now it's frightening. I can see faces in the moving light, glaring at me fleetingly and then disappearing back into the world of shadow, too afraid to stay there for long. What are they afraid of?

My mind is wandering. It's late, and I can't think straight. I guess that means I _have_ to sleep. If I can't think straight, I can't do much to help anybody, can I? I turn on my side again and hug a pillow to myself tightly. I'm shivering, but I shut my eyes and try not to think about anything. That's not working. Maybe I should think about _something_, then. I see you, of course. But I see others, too. I see huge crowds, screaming crowds, screaming from ecstasy, from love, from horror, from terrible grief. But you're there, too, and you're holding out your hand to me, and saying something softly that I can't hear, but it's comforting no less. But it's not you, is it? It's someone else. Someone made from all the someones, and all the real people, all of everything that matters. Slowly, I take that hand, and instantly I can feel myself falling asleep. It's suddenly all washed away, as if I were melting in the rain.

Thoughts? XD


	18. Champagne And Sweet Nothings

"Where are we going?"

...

"Where are we going?"

"Gods, you sound like a child. '_Are we there yet? Are we there yet?_'"

...

"Where are we going?"

Yoshiki sighed loudly and pulled over, and Kaoru tried very hard not to burst into laughter. Seeing, or in this case hearing, the man's reaction was definitely worth it. The car was made to idle, and Kaoru heard Yoshiki turn in his seat toward him. There was a long silence, during which Kaoru constantly fought back a very large smile while at the same time trying not to be intimidated by Yoshiki's I-am-manager-sama-so-don't-fuck-with-me aura.

"Are you done now?" Kaoru couldn't hold back his laughter this time, and fell over in the chair and onto Yoshiki, who pushed him roughly back into his seat, cursing. "Stop it. Do you want to go or not?"

"What's all the secrecy for, Yoshiki?" Kaoru asked once his laughter had died down for the most part. "You're such a romantic..." Unseen, Yoshiki rolled his eyes. "You've blindfolded your lover, to take him to some distant romantic place where you can get drunk and whisper sweet nothings until he-" Kaoru lunged across the car to tackle Yoshiki and tickle him "-forces you down and fucks you senseless!" It was Yoshiki's turn to shriek with laughter. He was flailing, and accidentally kicked Kaoru's hip. Kaoru made a loud noise of pain and collapsed onto Yoshiki, who picked him up carefully, concerned.

"Daijoubu ka?" he asked almost frantically. Kaoru continued wincing for a moment, before suddenly tackling Yoshiki to tickle him again. The older man wiggled quickly out of his grasp and threw him back into the passenger's seat. "Stop it!" he yelled. "You stop right now, Niikura Kaoru." He smiled, unable not to play along. "Before I turn this car around and take you all the way home!"

"All the way?" Kaoru asked, incredulous. Yoshiki laughed a little and patted Kaoru's head to annoy him. Kaoru hit his hand away, and Yoshiki sat back.

"Now, are you going to behave yourself? We're almost there." Kaoru sat back instantly and put his hands in his lap, sitting upright like an obedient schoolboy. Yoshiki chuckled and pulled back onto the road. They were stopped again in mere minutes, and Yoshiki turned the car off and leaned across the seats carefully, holding himself inches away from Kaoru's face. Kaoru shuddered as he felt the man's hot breath across his skin, wishing he wasn't blindfolded so he could place his hands somewhere without fumbling. Yoshiki kissed him, gently and slowly, but didn't touch the blindfold. When he broke the kiss, he brought his lips to Kaoru's ear. "I'll be right back," he whispered. "Don't you dare touch that blindfold." His tongue flicked out against the shell of Kaoru's ear, and then he was gone, his door opened and he stepped out of the car. Kaoru was hit with a warm breeze for the moment the door was open, accompanied by a pleasing and familiar smell. But it was gone before he could place it. He heard the trunk of the car open, and Yoshiki rustling around, and considered for a moment taking off the blindfold. Then again, would Yoshiki deny him anything if he did? He didn't have the time to consider, as the passenger door was soon opened and Yoshiki's hand grasped his firmly, leading him out of the car. He was led across what felt like asphalt, and then his feet touched soft ground, making him almost lose his balance for a split second. A few steps more and Yoshiki stopped him, turning to him and reaching around his head to untie the piece of fabric around his eyes. As it was removed Kaoru blinked a few times, letting his eyes adjust to the light. The first thing he saw was the horizon, orange tinted with blood-red and rimmed with twilight blue, reflected down into a wavering surface which was constantly glittering. He gasped softly, mesmerised by the sudden beauty, and felt Yoshiki's arm slip around his waist.

"It's always so beautiful at sunset," he said quietly, leaning against Kaoru. Keeping his eyes fixed on the horizon, the guitarist turned minutely and took the man into his arms, placing Yoshiki's back against his own chest and wrapping his arms around his waist. Yoshiki rest his own arms against Kaoru's, leaning back against him. Kaoru put his cheek next to his lover's and stared ahead of them.

"It's not as beautiful as you," he answered after a moment, completely honest. Yoshiki scoffed a little.

"Now who's the romantic?" A long silence fell between them as they stared out over the water, watching the sky turn darker, from orange to red to a curious crimson purple. Before the light left the sky, however, Yoshiki moved away and led Kaoru onto a blanket he had spread out on the beach. They sat together, and Yoshiki turned to look at Kaoru, who was still watching the sunset.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex on a beach?" he asked after a moment. Kaoru, startled, looked down at him. He was looking up at him through his eyelashes, an almost predatory feeling having snuck its way into his smirk. Suddenly he felt the man's hand on his thigh, moving slowly up at an agonising pace. Kaoru's breath hitched, and he instinctively lay his own hand on Yoshiki's.

"What happened to the champagne and the sweet nothings?" he asked suddenly, suprising even himself somewhat. "I mean, Yoshiki...we're on a beach-"

"An empty beach," the older man pointed out. After scanning their surroundings quickly, he was proved to be correct, but that didn't make Kaoru feel any better. Sensing this, Yoshiki backed off a little, taking his hand away and sitting on his heels. "If it helps, no one ever comes here. Not even during the day. And we're not even close to a main road." He pointed away behind Kaoru, and turning around he could make out a long stretch of improvised, path-like road that eventually hid behind a bit of high rock, disappearing from view as the sun continued to sink. There was a loud pop, and starting Kaoru turned back to see Yoshiki catching the overflow of a wine bottle with a towel. He handed Kaoru two wine glasses, and filled them both, then setting the wine back into its bucket he took one of the glasses and sat back next to Kaoru. "There. That better?" Still dumbfounded, Kaoru nodded a little. Yoshiki took a sip of his wine and smiled. His eyes flitted over to Kaoru for just a moment, making Kaoru's stomach do somersaults. The man had been looking at him like that since the first time they'd kissed, and it had always worked. Slowly he brought his own glass to his lips and took a tentative sip.

"Do you like it?" Yoshiki asked instantly. Kaoru nodded vaguely and stared into the fading wine glass.

"What is it?" Yoshiki sighed languidly and stretched onto the blanket next to Kaoru, looking up at him as he continued to drink.

"Oh, suffice it to say it was expensive," he answered offhandedly. Kaoru scoffed.

"Of course it was." He took another drink, tossing back most of it quickly for no apparent reason. Something about the situation was making him nervous. Or maybe just horny, because Yoshiki was at his knee again, tracing little patterns with a finger as he continued to sip at his drink. Kaoru finished off the rest of his glass quickly and set it aside, then lay himself down next to Yoshiki, who was finishing off his own glass. He reached over Kaoru to set their glasses together and out of the way, then crooked his elbow and rest his head in his hand, gazing at him.

"Now, let's see...we had the drink...would you say the sweet nothings came before, or do you want to do that now?" Licking his lips, Kaoru leaned against the older man and kissed him passionately. Yoshiki made a small sound and brought himself closer to Kaoru, wrapping his arms around his neck and trailing one hand through the hair at his nape. Carefully, Kaoru rolled onto his back, dragging Yoshiki onto his chest. They broke the kiss for air, and Yoshiki laughed softly. "I guess that means cut the-"

"Shh," Kaoru insisted, wrapping one arm around Yoshiki's waist and resting the other behind his own head. He stared upward, a small smile on his lips, and Yoshiki couldn't bring himself to break his spell. Sighing softly, he laid himself down on Kaoru's chest and stayed there, relaxing against him and listening to his slow, rhythmic heartbeat. Someday he was going to write a song to that beat, he promised himself silently. Kaoru's hand drifted down slowly, his fingers dragging along Yoshiki's spine, and Yoshiki shivered. It passed the waistband of his jeans and kept going, and Yoshiki whined softly.

"Would you stop teasing me!" he scolded, and Kaoru suddenly squeezed him in response, making him gasp. Yoshiki pulled himself up abruptly and crushed their lips together, forcing his tongue into Kaoru's mouth. Both of Kaoru's hands were on Yoshiki's hips by now, and he pushed him down, grinding their hips together and making them both moan. Yoshiki pulled back to glare at his lover. "What is wrong with-mmph!" Kaoru cut him off, pressing them together again and kissing him deeply. He moaned softly, giving in, and began to move himself against the man under him. Kaoru growled deep in his throat and turned them over, straddling Yoshiki and going to his neck. Yoshiki bared his neck for him, making small sounds of pleasure as his hands roamed all over Kaoru's chest and arms. Kaoru nipped his way down the older man's neck, increasing his pace slowly and making Yoshiki pant in anticipation. The drummer grabbed at his shirt desperately, and he sat up long enough for him to rip it off and throw it aside. Yoshiki sat up against Kaoru and kissed him hard, his tongue sliding in and out of his mouth as he moaned against him. Kaoru's hands slid down his sides, then unbuttoned his shirt quickly as his tongue began to fight with Yoshiki's. Once the shirt was undone he slid it down the other man's arms, holding him close so he could latch onto a nipple. Yoshiki threw his head back and moaned loudly as Kaoru teased the already hardening nub, first with his tongue then with his teeth. As Kaoru pulled away for a moment Yoshiki pushed him back and sat on him, grinding their growing erections together as he practically danced on top of him. Kaoru groaned, grabbing onto Yoshiki's hips forcefully and pushing against him. Then suddenly Yoshiki's hands were at his waistband, popping the button of his jeans open. Yoshiki licked his lips erotically, making the rest of the blood in Kaoru's brain rush to his groin, before bending down and taking his zipper in his teeth. Kaoru closed his eyes and moaned as the pressure was released from his groin, but was instantly replaced by Yoshiki's hand. His hand slipped under the waistband of Kaoru's boxers and he squeezed, making Kaoru buck into his fingers.

"Yoshiki...god, you're such a fucking tease..." Kaoru panted, close to finishing with just the man's skillful ministrations. Yoshiki pulled Kaoru's shoes off quickly, then followed that with his pants and boxers. Taking the opportunity, Kaoru's hands came to Yoshiki's groin and he rubbed against the tight denim, making Yoshiki moan and rock against him. Yoshiki brought his own hands down to undo his pants, but Kaoru pushed them away and quickly did the job himself. Yoshiki kicked his shoes off and lifted himself up some to allow Kaoru to help him out of the rest of his clothes, then settled himself between the man's legs. He drew his hands slowly up Kaoru's thighs, then brought one to his balls as he leaned down and licked the very tip of the man's erection. Anticipating a reaction, Yoshiki held Kaoru's hips down and continued to lick at the slit in his head in small flicks of his tongue. "God, Yoshiki!" Kaoru yelled, then moaned loudly as Yoshiki placed his lips around his head. He sucked gently, moving his lips around to please him, and Kaoru was reduced to silence as he felt his climax approaching. Suddenly Yoshiki's warm mouth left him, and he whimpered helplessly.

"Shh..." Yoshiki said, laying back on top of Kaoru and kissing him, slowly and passionately, driving him insane. He brought his lips to Kaoru's ear and nibbled his earlobe. Kaoru brought his hand to his lover's erection, wanting desperately to get him back, and he whined softly. "I want you...to come...inside me," he gasped out, and Kaoru turned him over instantly. Yoshiki wrapped his legs around Kaoru obediently, and Kaoru put his arms around his lover, wanting to be as close to him as possible. "What are you waiting for!" Yoshiki demanded desperately after only a second, and Kaoru thrust into him, making him scream and throw his head back. "Kao-ai!" he moaned, moving against him a little to get used to having himself filled. After a moment Kaoru began to thrust slowly into him, forcing himself to move slow so as to not hurt him. But Yoshiki was impatient, and pushed against him roughly.

"Yoshiki - dont...you're going to hurt-" Kaoru was cut off in a gasp as Yoshiki pushed himself hard against him and let out a long moan, his back arching.

"There, Kaoru! Fuck me harder!" Kaoru couldn't help but comply, and began to thrust mercilessly into his lover, making him practically scream. He tried to hold out, latching onto Yoshiki's erection with one hand and pumping him hard. But he came after only a few more thrusts, pushing himself as deep as he could into the trembling body beneath him. "Kaoru!" Yoshiki screamed as he came an instant later, then fell into a perfect stillness, completely spent. Kaoru forced himself to pull slowly out of him before collapsing next to him, exhausted. After a moment Yoshiki pulled himself onto Kaoru's chest and snuggled into him with a soft whine. Kaoru smiled a little at the sound, finding it adorable, and wrapped an arm around his lover protectively. They lay there for a while before Yoshiki dragged himself up and searched around for the extra cloth he'd brought. Kaoru moved his arm up to cover his eyes.

"Let me guess, we can't stay here." Yoshiki finished cleaning himself and sighed, moving over to clean Kaoru off. He shook his head a little, then kissed the man's chest. Once finished he folded the cloth and set it aside, then moved Kaoru's arm away from his face. He took the man's face in both his hands and stared deep into his eyes, and Kaoru couldn't help but compare the man to an angel. The deep blue sky above him, studded with the millions of clear stars of the ocean, and his beautiful, dark eyes shimmering from some unseen light, his soft touch against his skin...

"I love you," Yoshiki said softly, and every word held so much weight the world should have collapsed from it. Kaoru smiled gently, used to the occurrence, and took the man's hands in his. He kissed one of them gently, closing his eyes for an instant to savour the feel of the man's skin under his lips, his taste and his scent.

"I love you too, tenshi..." Yoshiki nearly rolled his eyes, but settled for smiling back. Kaoru sat up slowly and pulled his clothes over, and Yoshiki stood and got dressed himself. Kaoru finished first, and stood watching his lover button up his shirt.

"Do you feel up to driving?" he asked, and Yoshiki stretched a little and bent down to pick up the wine glasses and the bucket. He looked at him for a moment, then wrinkled his nose cutely.

"It's my car," he almost whined, and Kaoru fought back a snigger. Instead, he merely nodded, and stepped off the blanket to fold it up. Once everything was put away they slipped back into the car together, and Kaoru leaned across the seats to kiss Yoshiki gently. Once he was seated again, Yoshiki started the car. On the way back, Kaoru fell asleep quickly, and Yoshiki yawned watching him. He was so gentle when he slept, seemingly so vulnerable, yet absolutely beautiful. _You call me an angel_, Yoshiki thought to himself, _But Kao-ai, you're my guardian angel._ He smiled to himself, comforted by the thought that he would always have the man by his side.


	19. Dreaming Of You

"Oyasumi!" Kaoru called back to his band members as they disappeared into their own rooms, then shut the door behind him quickly and fell against it, the happy expression crashing off his face. He sighed heavily and dropped to the floor, tossing his card key onto the nearby table as he did so. It almost hurt to be so close to Yoshiki, and yet so unable to get any closer.

Yoshiki had come to their LA concert, and had even brought them back to his house to celebrate Shinya's birthday afterward. It was so absolutely wonderful to be able to sit in his house with him as casually as they had the first time they'd kissed. To be able to share that kind of joy with him, and have it shared also between the other members of Dir en grey. But it had ended much too quickly, and the night that followed had gone by so fast Kaoru couldn't even remember what had happened. For all he knew, he could have passed out on Yoshiki's couch and been dragged into the bed beside him. It left him feeling cold in the morning, although he was still content. Now, mere weeks later and half a continent farther away, he was feeling that coldness as if he were back in Japan and it had been months since he'd so much as heard the man's voice.

Fighting back sleep, Kaoru looked up at the electric clock against the wall. 2:34 A.M. If he was asleep - and he should be - Kaoru didn't want to wake him. Unconsciously, he had pulled out his cell phone and was cradling it in one palm. He looked down at it listlessly, then dragged himself up and fell onto the hotel bed, letting the cell phone drop onto the pillow next to him. An instant later Kaoru started as his cell phone vibrated madly against the starched pillowcase. The flashing screen displayed the name and number of the man he'd just decided not to call. Hesitantly, he reached out and brought the phone to his ear.

"Moshi-moshi," he practically yawned.

"Did I wake you?" Yoshiki asked. His voice was quiet and tinted with exhaustion. Kaoru yawned fully this time and shook his head.

"No. I was just sitting here trying not to think of you." Yoshiki laughed a little.

"Oh...that's good," he said, his voice falling even lower in volume. "I was dreaming...of you." There was a pause, and Kaoru yawned again. "Kao-ai?" Yoshiki asked after a moment, his voice barely audible.

"Mm?" Kaoru responded, his eyes falling closed. He shook himself a little to stay awake.

"I love you..."

"I love you, too, tenshi," Kaoru said, but the only thing that answered him was the soft sound of Yoshiki breathing. He had fallen asleep. Smiling, Kaoru closed his eyes once more and let himself be lulled to sleep by the soothing sound.


	20. I'll Make You Cake

_Achoo!_

"I feel so-" _sniff_ "-terrible for letting this happen..."

"Don't," Kaoru called from the other room. "You couldn't have helped it."

_Sniff._

"I shouldn't have stayed out in the rain." Smiling a little, Kaoru bustled into the room carrying a tray full of anti-cold items. Everything from rub-on vicks to sudafed to chicken noodle soup. He looked armed and ready to fight, and Yoshiki eyed him as he set the tray beside the bed and began to sort things out.

"That's not true, either," he explained as he took out some pills. "You don't get colds from being wet or cold." Yoshiki blew his nose, and then took the pills and drink Kaoru handed him.

"Are you going to get like this every time I get sick?" he asked once he was finished. He handed back the cup, and Kaoru began to set up the soup for him. "You've never done this before. I'm a little bit intimidated." Kaoru carefully put the soup on a smaller tray in Yoshiki's lap, and handed him a spoon. Then, after checking over the tray once more in case he missed anything, he sat down on the bed beside Yoshiki and fidgeted with the cup in his hand.

"Don't make fun of me. I get like this sometimes," he said quietly. Yoshiki smiled and hit his arm.

"So you really _are_ gay!" Kaoru turned to glare at him a little, and he giggled in between sniffles. Rolling his eyes, Kaoru waved his hand toward the soup.

"Eat." There was a short pause, punctuated by the sipping of soup and some more sniffles. "And besides..." Kaoru continued slowly, "I feel kind of like it's my fault. Making you come out here and everything-"

"Hey," Yoshiki interrupted, spoon poised in midair, stopped on its way to his mouth. "Don't say things like that. You didn't _make_ me do anything." He drank the spoonful and set the silverware back in his bowl. "If you're going to think that way I can just leave now." This was followed by a long sniffle, which ruined the effect of his statement, and Kaoru laughed. Yoshiki glared at him as he lay down on his back across his feet and gazed up at him.

"Not so scary when you're sick, are you, manager-sama?" In lieu of responding he merely continued to glare, making Kaoru laugh even more. After a moment he gave up and resumed eating his soup slowly. Kaoru closed his eyes and snuggled into the blankets a little, listening to the slurp of soup-eating and enjoing the warmth of Yoshiki's feet against his side. The soup was gone quickly, but Kaoru had dozed off, so Yoshiki moved the tray back over to the the bigger one and crawled down to him, pulling a blanket with him. Kaoru's eyes were closed and he was breathing peacefully, though the corners of his eyelids twitched a little as Yoshiki settled down beside him. Trying hard not to sniff, else he wake him, Yoshiki smiled a little and traced over his face with a finger. It trailed slowly across his forehead, then down his nose, stopping at the curve of his lips to turn another way. It ran across his cheekbones, the right, then the left, and followed his jaw carefully to his fuzzy chin. Yoshiki smiled a little more and tickled his chin gently, making him moan very softly, as if in protest. Beaming, he let the finger trail up to Kaoru's lips, and ran it lightly across his lower lip, back and forth. Kaoru sighed, then twitched a little. In his sleep, he was feeling a slight tickle, and his tongue flicked out to admonish whatever was bothering him. It met with the tip of Yoshiki's finger, and he withdrew quickly in surprise. He sniffed, then cringed, but thankfully Kaoru didn't wake. Slowly, carefully, Yoshiki leaned over and pressed a quick, gentle kiss to Kaoru's lips. This woke him, and he turned his head away instantly and started to rub his mouth, spitting dramatically.

"Ack! Get your germs off me, sickie!" he yelled, and Yoshiki rolled onto his back, laughing. Kaoru sat up on the end of the bed, and looked over his shoulder at his lover. "You want _me_ to be sick, too, don't you?" Yoshiki pouted, and curled up more in the blanket, hiding all of his face but his eyes. It made Kaoru smile. Sometimes the man was more of a child than any kid he'd ever known. He guessed it was his way of making up for the overly-mature and serious "manager-sama" persona. Kaoru sighed dramatically, then stood and turned to Yoshiki. He leaned down and hefted the man into his arms, making him squeal. "Alright, back to bed." Kaoru set him gently back under the covers and went to clean up after his soup. When he came back, Yoshiki was lying in the bed half-asleep. His eyes were closed, and Kaoru took a minute to worry over him. He was so very pale, and his fever had been so high that morning. As girly as it was - and Kaoru often checked himself for it because of that - he was always so stressed out about people when they were sick. In all his time of knowing him Kaoru couldn't remember ever seeing him look so bad, and that was what got to him the most. He was used to the perfect, gelled, made-up Yoshiki, who was crisp and beautiful even when he was smashing drunk and had just been laid. Sensing eyes on him, Yoshiki blinked and gazed up at his lover. After a moment he reached out a hand from the covers and whined softly, asking him closer. With a little smile Kaoru complied, and climbed into bed next to him. Immediately Yoshiki snuggled into him, and Kaoru wrapped his arms around him gently.

"You should be drinking more," he said softly, and Yoshiki smiled against him. "You have to get better quickly. You're not drinking enough." He nuzzled Yoshiki's hair a little, and Yoshiki sniffled.

"You know you're really cute like this," he responded. Kaoru _tsked_, which made him chuckle. "See? And what hurry am I in to get well? The longer I'm sick, the longer I have to stay here and have you take care of me." His voice faded a little as he mumbled against Kaoru's shoulder, and Kaoru rolled his eyes.

"Shh," he insisted, kissing his head lightly. Yoshiki half-mumbled half-moaned something that sounded like a child protesting. _"I don't _wanna_ go to school, mommy!"_

"What do I get?" he asked softly. Kaoru looked down at him.

"Hmm?"

"If I get better quickly. What do I get?" Kaoru smiled. He really did sound like a child. It was the sickness, he guessed, as although he had seen Yoshiki sick he was always still working. The laziness and the sickness combined made him chidlike, as it made Kaoru turn into a catering mother hen. He thought for a moment, as Yoshiki started to drift off against him, cuddled into his warmth and soothed by his very presence.

"I'll make you something, if you do," he said gently. Yoshiki shifted a little, waking himself.

"Make me what?"

"Anything you like." Yoshiki fell silent for a minute. He sniffled again, dramatically.

"I don't care. Something nice. Maybe food...I liked the soup." His voice was falling again, as he was fighting sleep.

"Sleep," Kaoru whispered, but Yoshiki shook his head stubbornly.

"Tell me what you'll make me." Kaoru sighed a little, holding him closer. Wanting to make him sleep, he said the first thing that popped into his head.

"I'll make you a cake." Yoshiki didn't respond immediately this time, instead relaxing a little more into his arms. He yawned, then sniffled.

"Oh," he said airily, then yawned again into his next statement. "I like cake..." His voice drifted off completely this time, and his body relaxed, his breathing becoming a little deeper. Kaoru smiled into his hair. He had finally fallen asleep. But now came a much more daunting task: keeping his promise. Why did he have to say something like that? The soup had been from a can, and while Kaoru could fend for himself he couldn't really cook to save his life. Closing his eyes he made a mental note to call someone later who knew how to make a cake. That was, unless Yoshiki decided he wanted to do it. If he even remembered it. If he did, Kaoru reasoned, it would be more like him to insist he didn't want it, which would make it even more of a suprise when he actually did it. As he let himself drift off, he smiled, an image of a suprised Yoshiki deciding to do naughty things now that he was healthy lulling him into a comfortable sleep. Yes, he would definitely have to learn how to bake a cake...


	21. Inspiration

_Ring...ring..._

Damnit, Yoshiki...you're always awake...

_Ring..._

It's not even that late, is it?

_Ring...ring..._

But you work such late hours all the time...

_Ring...ring...ring..._

I hope I don't wake you

"Moshi-moshi?"

"I didn't wake you, did I?" A sigh came from the other line, and Kaoru began to form an apology.

"No, that's not it. It's fine. I need a break, anyway." The sound of some papers rustling, and the creak of Yoshiki's chair as he leaned back in it. Kaoru breathed a near-silent sigh of relief and settled back against his propped-up pillows. "How are you?"

"_I'm_ great. It's you we should be worrying about. How are you?" Yoshiki smiled a little on his end, closing his eyes. Just one more of his million mothers.

"Tired," he answered honestly after a moment. Kaoru chuckled quietly. "It's all these...everything. The music, the people, the publicity...it gnaws at a person, until they just collapse from exhaustion." Kaoru nodded and made a small sound of assent, and Yoshiki continued, sitting up in his chair and rubbing the spot between his eyebrows. "I mean, just today I've had so many-" A beep from his office pager interrupted his thoughts.

"Yoshiki, Katie just called. She's sick." Yoshiki sighed and excused himself from Kaoru for a moment to talk to his assistant.

"I'm sorry," he said when he picked up the phone. Kaoru dismissed him, and he sat back in his chair again. "I'd just like to be able to write something for _me_. Nothing _expected _of me, just something to let the stress out, something I can really feel. But I don't even have time for that. You are so lucky," he added.

"Sou ka?" Kaoru asked softly, thinking just the opposite.

"Yes," Yoshiki responded, sighing once more. "You don't have to worry about what form you're writing in, don't have all these requests upon you. Trust me, you're lucky." Kaoru made another small agreeing sound. "What is it?" he asked, sensing his hesitance and switching subjects like a blinking light. Kaoru shifted some against his headboard, scratching at his ear awkwardly.

"I..." he began, then shook his head at himself. "I miss you," he said suddenly, before he knew he had spoken. There was real sadness in his voice, and Yoshiki wilted at it. Tiredly, he leaned onto his desk, switching hands to rifle through the papers in front of him. He took a long time to answer, and when he did it was weak and desperate.

"I miss you, too, Kao-ai." He picked up a piece of paper on which was a few lines of drum notations. In the top corner he had scribbled two things: a stylised "X" and a very frustrated "Toshi HATE!" in scrawling hiragana.

"Tell me about your day," Kaoru requested gently. Yoshiki found himself smiling a little, setting the page aside to pick up the last thing he'd been working on.

"O.K." Yoshiki sat back a little, swinging his office chair back and forth to relieve a little tension. "But I don't know where to start...I haven't slept in a few days." Kaoru forced himself not to comment, beyond a small acknowledgement that was needed to further the phone conversation. Yoshiki rubbed his tired eyes and reached slowly for the drum piece, pulling it close and holding it in his lap. "This morning I tried to write something for X. Can you believe that? It sounds so..." he hesitated, and then dropped the thought altogether. "Just a few days ago I finished the newest piece for VUK." Kaoru made a more interested remark, and Yoshiki smiled at his enthusiasm. "I had practise with S.K.I.N. today. We used a venue on the coast, nice little place. Then Toshi called me and asked me if I could come for practise with X. So I did that, too. Then I went to dinner at that Chinese place we went to last time you were here-"

"Do they still have those wierd fish statues?" Kaoru asked suddenly. Yoshiki laughed out loud.

"I sat right next to them!" he remarked, and Kaoru laughed, too. "Let's see..." he continued after a moment. "After that I came back to the studio, and I've been working ever since. I think that's about all the important things. Now, honey, how was your day?" he asked teasingly, making Kaoru laugh a little at him. He was still turning his chair, his hand having curled protectively around the piece of paper in his lap and a small smile softening his face.

"Kyo had to go to the hospital again, he just got out this morning. The concert last night sucked so bad..." Kaoru cringed, laughing a little at the memory. "We were fucking up so bad we almost resorted to fanservice, just to distract them." Yoshiki laughed.

"Almost?" he asked. Kaoru laughed a little, shaking his head.

"I don't know. Maybe." A small silence fell between them, and Yoshiki stopped turning in his chair and closed his eyes. At the same time, across the ocean, Kaoru snuggled further into the hotel bed and closed his own eyes.

"I miss this," Yoshiki said quietly after a long moment. Kaoru made a lazy, questioning grunt. "Just sitting, talking. The peace of it all...a normal life." He laughed softly at his own statement.

"What do you mean, 'normal'?" Kaoru asked. Yoshiki shook his head.

"I don't know. I love you," he said, randomly. Kaoru smiled into a pillow.

"I love you, too, tenshi." Yoshiki sighed contentedly.

"Thank you," he said. Kaoru rolled over on his back.

"Why do you do that? Thank me all the time?" Yoshiki opened his eyes, and they drifted down to the piece of paper in his hand. He let go of it a little, looking over it.

"Because I appreciate everything you do. I just wish I was there with you...sharing in your life. As hectic as it is, it's so much more 'normal' than mine. It'd be nice to take a real break from life, even for a moment. Especially if it was with you." His fingers trailed over the lines and marks on the paper distantly.

"I wish that, too, Yo-tenshi," Kaoru said softly, and pulled a pillow into his lap as he sat up. He gave the pillow an inquisitive look, as if asking it how it got there, and tossed it aside. "You need a break sometimes. We all do." Yoshiki's pager beeped again, and he sighed. "It's one A.M. Who needs you this early?" Kaoru asked, somewhat irritated. He was reminded distantly of a video a fan had once referred to as "everybody wants Yoshiki" - so many pages during an interview that said interviewer threatened jokingly to leave.

"Apparently, you do." Yoshiki's fingers stopped suddenly on the page, and for a moment the entire world seemed to stop. But the second didn't last, and as Yoshiki consciously felt his heart start beating again the pager beeped once more, indicating it was a waiting call. "Kaoru..." he said softly. "I love you, but I have to go. Promise me you'll call me tomorrow?"

"Of course," Kaoru answered, somewhat crestfallen but hiding it.

"Good. I'll have something special for you if you do. Ganbatte."

"Oyasumi. Get some sleep, you!" Kaoru demanded as parting words, and as Yoshiki hung up he turned to the phone instantly and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Yoshiki, why are you still awake?" Toshi asked, his groggy voice tinted with irritation.

"So are you, hypocrite. Why are you calling me at such an ungodly hour?" There was a slight pause, and the paper with the drum part on it fluttered suddenly from Yoshiki's lap and onto the floor, sliding underneath his desk. He cursed under his breath and looked around for it, keeping the phone held to his ear.

"You called me," Toshi said quietly. "On your cell. But then when I tried you back it was busy." Aha, there it is! ...Wait, what?

"What?" Yoshiki asked, a little breathless from leaning so far to grab the paper. Toshi sighed tiredly and made a small frustrated sound.

"I said you called me. I have caller ID, Yoshiki, I know it was your cell phone." Yoshiki paused for a moment, confused, and looked down at the piece of paper in his hand. He blinked, startled. There was a distinct line through his scribbled hiragana, and a light pink splotch on the corner that looked like kool-aid had been spilled on it.

"Toshi..." Yoshiki asked softly. "Does hide ever talk to you?" He didn't even know what he'd said until Toshi responded.

"Sure, I guess...why?" Yoshiki started from a trance.

"Because he's yelling at me. Toshi, I have to let you go. There's something I have to do." Yoshiki hung up the phone before Toshi could respond, and setting the paper back on his desk withdrew a new one and a pen and started scribbling down the thoughts that had been coursing through his mind for the past few minutes.

A few days later, Yoshiki walked into the scheduled practise with X beaming and carrying proudly in his hands a small sheaf of paper. He approached the gathered smoking men, and began to rifle through the papers. He was immediately approached by a disgruntled Toshi.

"What was that about the other night? I haven't been able to get hold of you for days." Yoshiki merely smiled at him and handed him a few of the pieces of paper, then moved on to Pata and Heath. Toshi looked down at his own papers, which were a rough score and a page filled with nearly unreadable lyrics, half of which had been roughly scratched out or replaced. Yoshiki walked back over to Toshi and pointed at the top of the lyrics page. Written there was his explanation for everything, the first line of the song: "Inspiration strikes a burdened soul hardest late at night".


	22. Radio Drabbles

1:

He's sitting there just like I don't exist. I hate him. I hate his pretty hair and his fucking chin pubes, like his fangirls like to call it. Or should I say fan_boys_. Yeah, okay, that was lame. But he is _not_ about to leave with _me_ tonight. Not when he's sitting over there like he's everything in the fucking world, making me feel so stupid and old. Him and his little friends think they're so hip. And look at me, talking like some dumped prom date! I hate what he does to me, I hate everything between us, and I am out of here right now! Say good-night, Kaoru, you're sleeping alone the rest of the time you're in my city. Stay the fuck away from me, oyasumi!

2:

I'm happy with who I am. I think that's healthy. It's not like I'm defective, like I have to be sent back to the store or anything. But I feel, sometimes, like I'm kind of directionless. I mean, I know who I am, I know what I want to do, but everything around me is so...unstable. Everyone around me is so false, so unhealthily beautiful. Me, I'm just plain, simple Kaoru. In this place, I feel so _out _of place. Guess it's to be expected, some new country. And we're certainly here for a good reason! Hey, everyone, we've got something to say! We are who we are, and that's healthier than anything you could ever be. Now, I know none of you are listening, but whether you are or not doesn't matter. That's the way things are, and eventually you'll hear it too. We're here, America, so get ready for a little refresher course on truth!

3:

You're so far away...I miss you all the time. But I never know how to say it...every time I see you, I just feel so inadequate. Especially after what happened between us lately...I love you so much, you're everything to me and I just want to say...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can never be everything I try to be for you. I'm at fault here, not you, and it's so hard to get through every day just thinking about it. Everything I do just screws you up so bad...I just wish I could fix it. I wish I could take everything back. I want to see you smile...I'm so sorry. Every day I have to live with myself, and I think about you every moment, and it makes me happier. We've gone so far together, I just hope you can forgive me like every other time. I know I can't make up for it, I know it's behind us, but I have to say I'm sorry just one more time. Maybe this time you'll listen. Please...I love you, and I'm sorry.

4:

I've never understood why you're so afraid of yourself. I want to help you so bad, because I know how broken you are. Your angel's wings are broken, and I'll patch them up for you. You can carry both of us to the highest clouds, where nothing hurts anymore. I promise I'll do the best I can, we can fix everything, every problem you worry about, as long as we do it together. Together, we're perfect. You make me perfect with your beauty, and wash away all the filth I harbour. Your beautiful wings are the real testament to that perfection, that almost _holy_ beauty. You're all I know, all I see, and you're so wonderful I've even run out of words! What are you afraid of now? Take my hand, carry me up where you are and I'll show you how wonderful the world can be. And you? You just make it that much better. Love, pain, happiness, dirt, beauty, it's all so wonderful and magical, I'm sure you'd see it if you looked just a _little_ closer. And I'll help you, if you promise to help me right back, my tenshi.

5:

You. You and your..._youngness_. You and your bars, your terrible energy that I'm struggling so hard to hold on to myself. And then you think you're so wonderful because you tricked me. Yes, you know what I'm talking about. You called me down to that bar, pretending to be drunk. And why? Just because you wanted to see me. You're so immature. But...no. I won't say it. ...Damnit, you're so _cute_! It's almost disgusting. Because when I took you from that place, you led me right into your trap. You took me to the only place that was open that late, and only because you'd _told_ it to be open. Yes...alright. It was wonderful. Yes, the food was good...even if it was just a corner place. I'm sure it was nice to know the owners, too...they were very nice people. But then...when they _really_ closed...did you _have_ to walk me home...? You didn't, did you...? But...I wanted you to. Thank you...that really was a beautiful night.

6:

Quit that. You made life so perfect for so long...but now? I can feel myself slipping, and I'm so afraid...will you stay? This feels like the end...the beginning of everything bad, the end of all the good things. All our plans and dreams, where did they go? They were stolen from us. I can never tell you how much you mean to me...but I've decided. It's much more important to simply _be_, than to _do_. I refuse to let everything end now, though, after we've worked so hard. I can feel it coming on fast, and I'm not going to let go. I refuse to lose. I want to know...everything that might happen. It might be more than you can comprehend...farther than you're willing to go. But you have to realise, everything can collapse in an instant. And now is not my time, this is not the end, I won't _let_ it be! And I hope, I trust, that even though it may be too much for you...you'll follow me. You'll take my hand and _lead_ me as far as I can go. Because I won't go without you...

7:

I hope you know, this isn't your fault. It's just...I need some time. I have to deal with this myself. I'll miss you so much...but I've got to do this. I have to be mature about this...I have to cry. I can't live with myself, doing this to you, to _us_. The way things have been going...it's not right. I'm so sorry to have to do this to you. But even fairy stories don't always have a happy ending. And I have to write this one myself...fix it. It's got nothing to do with you, I promise. I have to learn to do this on my own. What we have is innocent, is exactly what I want. It's so perfect and beautiful, and I never want this to end. But I have to deal with this, if we want any of that. It's almost too late, and I know even if I do this...it'll never go away. But I have to try. I have to find some sort of centre ground, some way to deal with this. I've got a lot of things to straighten out with myself and my past, and now is the time. I'm so sorry...I'll cry for you, too...I love you...

8:

You remind me of myself when I was younger. Only more reckless. It's not like you to slow down, and I handed you my heart on a platter knowing that. But...could you pause for just a second? Please? Some of my fans tell me the stage is going to kill me...but if they knew about you they'd probably blame you... I know it can't be easy dealing with me, _loving_ me, with all the baggage I come with. But if you don't slow down I swear I'm just going collapse with emotional exhaustion. It's not that I don't enjoy the things you do, quite the opposite. It's just that sometimes it's a bit too much. Keep on doing it, just slow down. Please? I'm sure you can handle that. I mean, I grew out of it, didn't I? Sure. And you certainly are doing a good job of keeping me on my toes. Just realise I'm an old fart sometimes, okay? I've been around the block more than a few times, and I can deal with it, I just don't always want to. Thank you for being you, it's the most fun I've ever had, but...you get the idea.

9:

Holy shit...you have no idea how hot you are. I don't care how much older you are than me, you just standing there makes me think such nasty thoughts... Won't you dance with me? Your eyes are on fire tonight. I'm trying to distract myself with drinks. I should have stayed home tonight, let you go out. Because there's no way I can leave you alone. I'm still imagining somewhere dark, and you... God, come dance with me. I have to make you move, you're way too still. Your body is amazing, and that look you're giving me tonight has me trembling in my seat. Please, god, just let me take you out there. I almost can't move as I stand up and slither over to you. Just being this near you makes me want to die, it's so intoxicating. Take my hand, please, I'm _begging_ you...yes, just like that...just dance with me, you're so beautiful, so perfect. You don't even have to touch me, you're so amazing...even as the song ends I can't get the feel of you off me. Would it be okay with you if we...went home? Good.


	23. Tenshi

"Why did you kiss me, Yoshiki?"

Yoshiki's eyes closed slowly. He took a slow breath, but Kaoru cut him off. "If you're going to say it was drunken desire, don't. I don't want to hear that, and what's more I won't believe it." Yoshiki's mouth closed, and he bit his lower lip unconsciously. After a long moment, he responded.

"I don't know, Kaoru. Why does anyone do anything? It seems right at the time..." he said, so quietly Kaoru could barely hear him.

"Then tell me this," Kaoru requested in a voice almost as low as his own. "Do you regret it?" Yoshiki blinked his eyes open, and looked directly into Kaoru's, confidently.

"No, Kaoru, I don't regret it," he said, quietly but with great conviction. "I can't tell you what made me do it then, that night, at that moment, but I can tell you if it hadn't happened then it would have happened some other time."

"Like now?" Kaoru asked, and Yoshiki blushed instantly. It hardly took Kaoru a moment to place his lips against Yoshiki's once more, but this time it wasn't the timid, awkward kiss they had shared almost a year before. This one caught Yoshiki off guard, in that it was gently passionate and deeply meaningful. It drew him in, and he found himself closing his eyes, pushing himself closer to Kaoru. Kaoru drew him into his arms, and they shifted a little until they were facing each other. It was an awkward position, though, and Kaoru found himself slipping. He fell back and hit his head hard against the arm of the couch, which made him break the kiss to mutter an obscenity. Yoshiki winced as he heard the thud, and then laughed a little at the awkwardness of it. Kaoru reached a hand back to rub the spot on his head, and Yoshiki's hand followed his.

"Daijoubu?" Yoshiki practically laughed. Kaoru winced at the pain as he touched the hurt spot.

"That's going to leave a bump..."

"You just keep getting yourself hurt, don't you?" Yoshiki asked, slightly concerned. He looked down at Kaoru and suddenly realised the position they were in. Kaoru looked back at him and watched a dark blush creep across his cheeks. "You...ah...we..." Yoshiki began to say, but Kaoru touched a few fingers to his lips to quiet him.

"You're very skittish, aren't you?" he asked. Yoshiki shook his head at himself.

"I'm sorry, I just..." He sighed a little, and Kaoru leaned up to press their lips together again. This time his kiss was slow and a little demanding, and as Yoshiki closed his eyes he felt Kaoru's hands dragging along his sides to rest at the small of his back. He moaned softly into the kiss and deepened it, and in response Kaoru slid his tongue gently across his lips, only suggesting. Pressing against the younger man more, he opened his mouth eagerly and sucked his tongue back erotically. Kaoru groaned and shuddered, and Yoshiki brought his hands up, one to rest on Kaoru's chest and the other to tangle in his hair. The familiar chills ran down Kaoru's spine, and he moved his tongue around Yoshiki's mouth enthusiastically, committing the man's taste to memory. His tongue dragged along Yoshiki's teeth, making the older man whimper despite himself. They broke the kiss for air, and Yoshiki sat up a little, using his hand on Kaoru's chest for leverage.

"Don't ask me why," Kaoru said, seeing the look in Yoshiki's eyes. He slipped his hands under the hem of the drummer's shirt, making him arch his back some at the touch. Yoshiki sat up a little more and let Kaoru pull his shirt off completely, then leaned down and kissed him again, but only briefly.

"What about the tea?" he asked, slightly breathless. Kaoru shook his head and kissed him again, but he broke it stubbornly. "I don't want that water to boil over, because then you'll be upset and I'll feel obligated to clean it and-"

"Okay, I get it!" Kaoru said, and moved out from under him to sprint to the kitchen. Yoshiki took the opportunity to remove all the bothersome jewelry he was wearing, which wasn't a lot, and to move his sunglasses to a safe place. He sat cross-legged on the couch once he was finished, waiting patiently. Patient was not a word to describe Kaoru, however, as he came striding out of the kitchen and moved back onto the couch, kissing Yoshiki instantly. But Yoshiki put a hand on Kaoru's chest and pushed him away gently, making him groan a little in frustration.

"I've done this on a couch before, and it's not exactly easy," Yoshiki explained. Kaoru almost said something, but thought better of it, and instead took the older man's hand and led him into his bedroom.

"Light on or off?" he asked as Yoshiki sat down on the bed, giving the room a quick glance.

"It doesn't matter to me. You decide," he said, sitting back after his brief inspection of the place. Kaoru left the light off and came to the bed, crawling over to Yoshiki and wrapping an arm around his waist. Yoshiki leaned up and crushed his lips against Kaoru's, letting himself be laid down and straddled. Their tongues fought ravenously, twining together and slipping past each other, their breath becoming bated once more. Kaoru suddenly abandoned his lover's mouth for his neck, and began kissing slowly down from his jaw to his collarbone. Yoshiki turned his head eagerly, letting him have free reign of his skin as he wished. His kisses slowly became nips, and suddenly he sank his teeth into Yoshiki's shoulder, making him cry out. Kaoru caught himself and pulled back, starting to mutter an apology, but Yoshiki grabbed him and crushed them together again. His hands roamed across Kaoru's back and chest, then pulled impatiently at the hem of his shirt. They broke the kiss long enough for Yoshiki to rip Kaoru's shirt off and throw it across the room. Kaoru bent down and began to lick at Yoshiki's nipples, his hands drifting down to the man's hips and sliding up and down his thighs. Yoshiki made a choked groan and threw his head back, his hands going to Kaoru's hair once more. Kaoru wondered briefly why he had such a thing for hair, but it was a fleeting thought that was quickly replaced as Yoshiki yanked hard on said hair, bringing him up enough to flip him over suddenly and straddle him. Kaoru paused for a moment, surprised, and stared wide-eyed at a grinning Yoshiki. The blond ran his hands across Kaoru's chest slowly, licking his lips.

"What? You didn't think you were going to get to do all the fun stuff, did you?" Yoshiki chuckled low in his throat, drawing shudders through Kaoru that went straight for his hardening groin.

"I've...never been with a man before," Kaoru stuttered, still somewhat surprised. Yoshiki slowed his hands and quirked an eyebrow.

"Oh? I'm sorry," he said, pityingly. He leaned down and began to lave his tongue all across Kaoru's chest and down to his stomach, dipping the muscle into his navel before biting the skin right below it. Kaoru gasped and then moaned loudly, and Yoshiki sat up, dragging his hands downward slowly. "You poor thing," he said, pouting, his hands continuing their slow descent. Kaoru stared up at him hungrily. "Trust me," he said, his voice barely above a whisper but cracking like a whip, "you'll like it." Yoshiki's hands stopped at the hem of Kaoru's jeans, and he played the skin there with his fingertips, making the muscles of Kaoru's belly twitch violently. Kaoru moaned, and heard a quiet but devilish chuckle escape Yoshiki's lips. The older man leaned down again and drew his tongue across his victim's lips. Eager, Kaoru answered with his own tongue, and Yoshiki pressed their mouths together briefly before pulling away teasingly. His fingers began to travel down again, and brushed across the now painful bulge in Kaoru's pants.

"Yoshiki..." Kaoru gasped out, bucking his hips toward the barely-there touch that made his mind reel. No one had ever made him this delirious when his pants were still on. Yoshiki tutted.

"You're so impatient..." he said softly, and pressed his palm against the fabric, making Kaoru gasp. It was all Kaoru could do to stay still and not throw the man down and rip the rest of his clothes off. Hesitance was keeping him where he was, however, as though he knew how it was done he wasn't sure he could fuck another man. Not yet, and not, he hated to admit, without help. He gulped, and felt Yoshiki's hand sliding up his torso, the man laying back down on him laguidly. Yoshiki stayed there for a minute, his breath steaming across the already heated skin of Kaoru's shoulder. "You're shaking," he said quietly.

"Look," Kaoru interjected, impatient and starting to feel a little more unsure. "If you're not going to get me out of these pants, can you please move so I can do it?" Still laying on him, Yoshiki reached down instantly and started to work at the button of Kaoru's jeans. Kaoru moaned again, closing his eyes as Yoshiki's mouth found his neck and began to suck on it gently, slowly. He didn't realise Yoshiki had successfully opened his pants until he felt a hand suddenly squeezing his length. He jumped, and Yoshiki laughed. Instantly Kaoru had captured the other's mouth with his, realising he was already addicted to his taste, the warmth of his mouth and the feeling of his velvety tongue sliding sensually against his own. Yoshiki moaned into his mouth and pulled his hands out of his pants, shoving them into Kaoru's hair. Kaoru grabbed his hips posessively and pushed him down against his own. In response, Yoshiki rocked against him, pressing their erections together and moaning endlessly into his mouth. They broke for air, panting, and Yoshiki bit Kaoru's ear.

"_God_...you're so _big_..." he said, and Kaoru felt himself blush at the praise. Yoshiki moaned longingly, and Kaoru felt the coiling in his belly intensify. His hand drifted back into Kaoru's pants and he tugged on his erection, making Kaoru hiss through his teeth. "I can't wait to have you inside me..." Those few words broke Kaoru's resolve, and he sat up to throw the older man onto his back. Yoshiki made a small squeak as Kaoru kissed him again, roughly and passionately. His hands went back to Kaoru's pants and he pushed on them, urging him to get out of them. Without breaking the kiss, Kaoru kicked them off and went for Yoshiki's. It took him a minute to work with the button, and as they broke for air, Yoshiki moaning again, he succeeded and made a small noise of victory. As he pulled the garment off he started, seeing that Yoshiki wasn't wearing underwear and was sporting an impressive erection. He blushed again, feeling his already heated cheeks burn even hotter, and Yoshiki chuckled somewhat awkwardly. He sat up, his hands resting against Kaoru's chest and drifting over his nipples.

"You try getting into those things in boxers," was all he said, but Kaoru wasn't listening. He was too busy staring. Pouting, Yoshiki pushed him forcefully onto his back and reached down toward his discarded pants, accidentally on purpose giving Kaoru an excellent shot of his now naked ass. After a moment he emerged triumphant and crawled back onto Kaoru, pulled his boxers off, and settled himself between the younger man's legs. Setting aside the thing he had gotten from his pants, he leaned down and without hesitation took the head of Kaoru's already weeping length into his mouth. Instinctively, Kaoru bucked his hips up into the wet heat of Yoshiki's mouth, making the drummer choke. He sat up quickly, coughing, and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. Kaoru sat up, too, feeling even more embarrassed.

"Daijoubu ka?" he asked. Yoshiki was practially glaring at him, an expression identical to the one Kaoru was used to seeing when he messed up on a song. He would have laughed if he didn't feel so stupid. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, avoiding Yoshiki's eyes. The older man shook his head.

"Don't worry about it. Really. Let's try something else." Kaoru nodded, and Yoshiki leaned down to capture his lips again, running his tongue along the roof of his mouth to regain his attention. It worked magnificently, and Kaoru was pressing against him again, leading him onto his back. Yoshiki wrapped his arms around his neck and his legs around his waist, rubbing their erections together. Kaoru gasped as they broke the kiss.

"_Nnh_...god, _**Kaoru**_!" Yoshiki moaned, pressing his head back into the pillow. "I want you inside me..._**now**_!" he demanded, digging his nails into Kaoru's shoulders. Kaoru groaned, burying his face into his shoulder. Okay, so he had to admit he really didn't know anything about this. But how hard could it be? And besides, Yoshiki had already begged him and his own body was screaming for release. The hold Yoshiki's legs had on him loosened as he slid himself down a little, pressing himself against Yoshiki's entrance without hesitation. Suddenly Yoshiki was pushing desperately on his shoulders and wiggling a little to get away from him. He could only think one thing: Shit.

Kaoru moved off of him a little, trying not to look his lover in the eye, because he knew he was being stared at. He had never felt so embarrassed in his life. Now would be a good time to admit he _really_ didn't know what he was doing.

"Yoshiki...this has got to be the worst time to say this-"

"Fuck it, Kaoru," Yoshiki interrupted him, and pushed him back into the bed, suddenly straddling him. "Make me do all the work..." he grumbled. Kaoru stared up at him in shock, feeling clueless and more awkward than ever. He wasn't ready to be fucked by another guy. He may never be ready for that! Before he could panic, however, Yoshiki sat back and sighed, making him sigh in relief. As he opened his mouth to protest anything that might happen next, Yoshiki cut him off. "Okay, it's really not that hard," he explained, suddenly going into manager mode. It scared Kaoru a little, and he just nodded. Yoshiki reached behind him and grabbed the thing from his pants, which turned out to be a tiny packet of lube and a condom, and showed the packet to Kaoru. "This is lube. You put it on your penis _before_ you try to shove yourself into me." Kaoru nodded again. "You might also prepare me first, but since you're new to it I'll do that myself, too. If we're going to do this again," he eyed Kaoru suddenly, hesitating, his voice changing a little, "and I sincerely hope we are." Kaoru nodded once more, this time more seriously. Yoshiki continued after a brief moment. "Then you'll need to take notes. Maybe someday we'll get to the point where you don't have to do anything beforehand, but for now we have to realise I haven't had sex in a _very_ long time and you are _incredibly_ well endowed. Okay?" As Kaoru began to nod, Yoshiki caught his lips in a slow, meaningful kiss. When he broke it, he stared deep into Kaoru's eyes, giving the younger man chills. "Pay attention," he said softly, his voice having become suddenly husky, and Kaoru felt his stomach tighten.

Yoshiki sat back slowly, resting himself at Kaoru's feet, and handed him the condom. "I assume you can do that," he said, and Kaoru smiled a little at him. He waited patiently as Kaoru slid the condom on, then opened the packet of lube. "Hold out your hand." Kaoru did so, and he emptied the lube into his palm. Feeling a little more confident, but suddenly awkward now that he realised he was about to touch himself in front of his new lover, he reached down and spread the stuff over himself carefully. Tossing his head back a little at the first touch, he bit back a moan. Yoshiki watched him, his eyes becoming fogged with lust, then climbed back onto him, tossing the packet aside. He kissed him slowly, hungrily, and Kaoru laughed darkly against his lips.

"You just wanted to see me touch myself," Kaoru said softly. Yoshiki smirked at him.

"Mmmm...maybe..." He straddled Kaoru slowly, sitting back on his thighs and eyeing him. "I'm going to let you do this the fun way..." he said after a moment, and reached out to place his fingers against Kaoru's lips. Kaoru opened his mouth slowly and took the hint when Yoshiki slipped his fingers into his mouth. He sucked on them slowly, running his tongue all over the digits. Yoshiki's eyes closed for a moment, and his mouth fell open, his face becoming a mask of sensual pleasure, which made Kaoru want him even more. In the end, he was beautiful, no matter what. After a moment Yoshiki reclaimed his fingers, opening his eyes to stare down at Kaoru. The guitarist watched as he raised himself up on his knees and slid a finger into himself, moaning lustfully as he did so, keeping his eyes on his lover the whole time. Kaoru groaned and nearly came, not expecting anything even close to that erotic. Yoshiki slid another finger into himself and started to move them in and out slowly, rocking himself back onto his own hand and moaning, his eyes falling shut again.

"_Ahhh_..._**Kaoru~**_!" he moaned, throwing his head back. He slid his fingers out of himself quickly and stared down at the guitarist. "Take me," he whispered. Kaoru didn't need to be told twice. Carefully this time he sat up and wrapped one arm around Yoshiki's waist, lowering him onto his back. Pressing their lips together gently, he let Yoshiki wrap his legs around his waist and guided himself to his entrace. There was a moment of complete stillness, their lips barely touching, and then Kaoru pressed himself slowly into his lover. He slid in much easier this time, but still Yoshiki threw his head back into the pillow, struggling not to tense up, small whimpers falling from his lips. Slowly Kaoru pressed into him until he was seated to the hilt, groaning softly. Yoshiki gripped his shoulders, his fingernails digging into Kaoru's skin so hard they almost drew blood. "Wait..." he managed to gasp. He was sweating profusely now, an expression of pain drawing his features, and Kaoru fought hard not to move. Yoshiki felt so amazing, tight and hot around him, and to be linked so intimately with the man he'd loved for so long was indescribable. But he nodded, laying his forehead against Yoshiki's shoulder and trying to steady the gasps fighting through his own lips. After a moment Yoshiki nodded a little, and Kaoru moved just slightly, trying to go slow. Yoshiki made a sound between a whine and a moan and gripped his shoulders so hard his fingernails cut into his skin, making him bleed. The stimulation of the pain made it even harder for Kaoru to move slow, and he began to tremble violently. Yoshiki growled suddenly and pushed himself back down onto Kaoru. Identical moans of ecstasy escaped their lips, and Yoshiki arched off the bed as his prostate was hit, the pain disappearing instantly.

"_Nnngh_..._**Kaoru~~**_!" he practically screamed, and Kaoru buried his face into his neck. "F-_faster_!" he begged. Kaoru complied, not bothering to hold himself back anymore and suddenly pounding fiercely into his lover.

"Ah, _god_, _**Yoshiki**_..." he gasped. Yoshiki sobbed in pleasure, rocking himself down forcefully against Kaoru to help him hit his prostate over and over. "So...nnh..._amazing_..."

"Ka-Kaoru...I..." Yoshiki stuttered, then moaned loudly.

"Come for me..." Kaoru said. Instantly Yoshiki's entire body tensed, and Kaoru felt himself start to tremble again.

"_**KAAORUU!**_" Yoshiki screamed as he arched off the bed, coming hard between them. The tightening of muscles around him was all it took for Kaoru to follow him, moaning loudly against him as he let himself go. They lay together for a while, holding each other, perfectly still. Tears streamed down Yoshiki's cheeks, and his hands trembled slightly against Kaoru's back. Kaoru nuzzled himself against his lover gently, then sat up a little to kiss him. Yoshiki winced as Kaoru slid out of him, then sighed. After a moment Kaoru got up and went to the bathroom to retrieve some things to clean them up with. He turned on the lamp by the bed and cleaned himself, then went to Yoshiki. There was blood trickling down his legs, and Kaoru felt guilt settling itself in the pit of his stomach. He cleaned Yoshiki up carefully, while he just lay there, tears continuing to run slowly down his cheeks. It occurred to Kaoru that he'd never before thought he could ever see Yoshiki cry. After he was finished, he climbed back into the bed next to Yoshiki and ran his fingers through his hair gently. The silence quickly began to bother him, so he sighed softly and broke it.

"Yoshiki...are you alright? I'm so sorry if I hurt you..." Yoshiki was silent for a moment, and then he took a slow, shuddering breath.

"Thank you," he said, his voice still heavily tinted by tears. He sobbed a little and turned to curl up into Kaoru's arms. Kaoru wrapped his arms around him protectively, holding him gently and whispering softly to him, and he buried his face into Kaoru's chest and wept openly. They stayed like that for a long time, until Kaoru realised the crying had died down and Yoshiki was now still and silent, breathing deeply and rhythmically against him. He reached over carefully to turn off the light, then drew some blankets up and settled them gently under them. In the faint light of the moon he could barely make out the man's face, and he looked exactly like an angel; the stain of tears still barely glinting on his cheeks, his expression perfect and peaceful, as if he were dead. Carefully he pressed his lips to one of the cold trails, feeling a chill run down his spine as he did so. He closed his eyes, committing that very instant to memory forever. And as he settled himself to sleep, a single whisper escaped his lips:

"Tenshi..."


	24. Yet always we were walking

The blonde drummer is sitting in his office, hunched over a composition, counting time with his pencil as he listens to the music in his head. The rain outside is beating furiously against the single window in the far wall, but he doesn't hear it. He stops for a moment, hums a few notes, and scribbles something frantically. He is completely oblivious to the outside world, his only reality the melodies overlapping, chasing each other through his mind.

Across the world, a man eight years his junior rolls fitfully in his sleep and lands on the floor next to his bed. Thankfully, it's not a very long fall, but it's enough to wake him, and he starts and lays still, staring at the nearby wall. He's wrapped up tightly in his bedsheets, but he can still feel the cold sting of drying tears on his face, the deep ache in the pit of his stomach that has crept into the recesses of his proverbial heart.

Somewhere above the Pacific Ocean, the so-called angel's fingers brush against something hard in his small bag, and as he retrieves it a breath catches in his chest. His face is reflected in the glare of the plastic case, and he can see the pain in his eyes past the picture of himself on the cover. He wonders how anyone could see beauty in those desperate eyes.

During a break in practise, the guitarist pulls out his cell phone and gazes listlessly at it. He slowly punches in a familiar number, never a one to use speed dial lest he forget the original number, and stares at the screen. His eyes are reflected back at him, and the glare of the light above him distorts them. For an instant he's decieved into thinking he's gazing through the plastic into another part of the world, the place where he wants most to be. Then he tosses the phone aside carelessly, and gets up to join his bandmates for a smoke.

Late at night, the drunk man stands up on his chair and toasts to his companions. Being with people he's known and loved for so long, being able to make music with them again, almost makes him forget the pain of separation. Almost.

Then again, almost nothing takes that away.

Lounging on his American hotel bed, flicking through the channels boredly, the man with the goatee's eye is caught. He starts suddenly, drops the remote, and sits up quickly in the bed, focussing on the English words as hard as he can. The picture on the screen shows a small plane, half destroyed as it hit the ground. He starts to pray, something he hasn't done seriously in longer than he'd like, and tries to block out all the Japanese thoughts in his head. A name is what he listens for, or a destination, or an explanation of any kind. Suddenly his cell phone rings, and he jumps half a foot. His hand shaking, not taking his eyes and ears away from the television, he reaches for the phone and brings it to his ear. At the same moment the newscaster starts to mispronounce a Japanese name, a familiar voice comes across the phone. For an instant, his heart skips a beat, and then everything falls back into place. The mispronounced name wasn't at all familiar, and the voice across the phone is soothing in its casual greeting. He sighs heavily and falls back onto the bed, relief washing over his features.

An hour later, Kaoru and Yoshiki are sitting across a cafe table from each other. Yoshiki is stirring a coffee and Kaoru is playing with his receipt distractedly. When they'd met outside the place, which was blessedly free of people, Kaoru had practically jumped at Yoshiki to embrace him, and hadn't said a word to him since. Setting the straw aside, Yoshiki takes a drink of his coffee and then clears his throat. Kaoru tosses the receipt onto the table and sits back in his chair, putting his hands in his lap.

"Are you okay?" Yoshiki asks quietly. Kaoru takes a moment to respond. He sits up in his chair and folds his hands on the table in imitation of Yoshiki.

"An hour ago a plane crashed not too far from here." Yoshiki nods, he was told this by one of the flight attendants on his own plane. "I had no way of knowing whether it was yours or not. I was so afraid I was going to hear about your death on an American news broadcast." He falls silent again, his gaze falling to rest on the crumpled receipt. Yoshiki watches him for a moment, then reaches out and snatches the receipt up. As it moves away Kaoru's eyes follow it, and come to rest on Yoshiki. Glancing around briefly, Yoshiki reaches out and lays a hand on Kaoru's. They sit there for a long moment, merely looking at each other. Yoshiki's gaze is soft, apologetic, as he tries to tell Kaoru that he understands, that it's okay. After a moment Kaoru seems to respond silently.

"I love you," Yoshiki says quietly. Kaoru smiles a little and looks down for a moment, then back up at him.

"I love you, too, my tenshi."

That night Yoshiki attends Dir en grey's concert, and goes out for drinks with the band afterward. He tells them he doesn't know how they can want to go out together after a concert, that he and the others in X just wanted to get away from each other as quickly as possible. They laugh at him for that, and laugh more when he tells them he's absolutely serious. As though through some unspoken agreement, both Kaoru and Yoshiki make a point of watching how much they drink, and end up going to the hotel Kaoru is staying at earlier than the other members of his band, some of whom are in adjacent rooms. Yoshiki sits on the bed and takes off his jacket as Kaoru goes to the bathroom, then joins his lover. As Kaoru comes to sit beside him Yoshiki pushes him gently onto his back and curls up in his arms, burying his face into his shoulder. The action makes Kaoru smile, and once more Yoshiki is compared to a cat in his mind. Yoshiki says something softly, but it's muffled against Kaoru's shoulder, and he laughs and asks him to repeat himself.

"You were amazing," Yoshiki says for the fifth time that night, resting his cheek against Kaoru's chest. Smiling a little, Kaoru kisses the top of his head and mumbles a humble Japanese refusal. Yoshiki practically giggles and curls up closer to him, sighing softly.

"I miss you," Kaoru says suddenly into the older's hair. It makes him frown a little, and he closes his eyes, relaxing into the arms that are so warm, so comforting.

"I miss you, too," he hears himself saying, moments before he thinks it. Kaoru sighs slowly and holds him closer, closing his own eyes. There is a long, peaceful silence, in which they both nearly fall asleep. But suddenly, as ever, they are brought abruptly back to earth, this time by a knock at Kaoru's door. Slowly, reluctantly, Yoshiki slips out of Kaoru's embrace and sits up on the bed. Kaoru, however, remains on the bed, blinking up at the ceiling. The elder looks down at him, and with an endearing smile brushes a lock of hair behind his ear. Again the knock at the door, again the abrupt intrusion. After a moment, Kaoru forces himself to get up, and Yoshiki rises to go to the window, so that his back is to whoever comes in. He straightens his clothes and hair as he walks, and ends up pulling back the curtain a little to gaze at the night sky. Distantly, he hears Kaoru talking to the person who had intruded into their lives in quiet Japanese, and the faded stars pull his mind away to somewhere far behind him. A place where everything is bright and loud, and every moment is filled with laughter and music. But then it's gone, like everything else, so fleeting, and he bites his lower lip a little, feeling cold and self-conscious. He hears the door close, and then Kaoru comes up behind him and wraps his arms around him gently. But he barely feels it, he's so far away.

Sometimes, when they look back on everything they've done together, they wonder at it all. How they've managed to stay together this long, when everything is so distant, so cold. They seem to be two completely different people, and each one wonders what in hell the other sees in them. But in the end, each one also realises that it's happened, and it is happening, and no matter how far apart they may be the closeness is all that matters. And they keep walking, knowing each step brings them a little closer. To what, they're not sure, but if they ever stop they'll never find out. And that is something more fearful than any hurdle to jump, any bridge to cross, any ocean to fly over. The fear of never knowing is what keeps them on the path.


End file.
